Wife and colleague - just friends or...

[Tktktk]

My wife and I (both 42) have been married for 16 years and are very close to each other. We trust each other fully. We both work in a large multi national company, albeit in totally different departments and are based at different sites.

She has a male colleague, let's call him Jim, who she is good friends with. They used to work together a few years ago but she's moved to a different team now. They still regularly meet up for coffee during /after work. They also go out for dinner regularly, but with a wider group and never alone. Jim is much older (55) and married.

I noticed that Jim always reacts to her solo photos on Facebook with a ♥️ but if anyone else is in the pic, he only uses 👍. I discussed this with my wife and also read through Jim's messages to her on Facebook Messenger. Here's a summary of what he said

• I'm always there for you no matter what
• I think of you often
• I missed you (when she was off sick)
• Can you meet me for coffee
• More coffee
• It was really nice to meet you yesterday
• Let's plan dinner

I felt that Jim's behaviour was creepy and inappropriate, and that these messages could easily lead a less trusting husband to take drastic action.

My wife thinks I'm over thinking and Jim's just a nice guy and a good friend. I know that outside of work and dinners with the group from work, she rarely nteracts with Jim, although I can't be sure as I don't have access to her work phone. We haven't fought or argued about it at all, just a conversation so far.

She usually works from home but goes to work once a week. Often she returns home later than she should and I'm left with having to manage our kids and preparing dinner. When I ask her what kept her, she says that she got stopped by people and gut busy in conversation, but I'm pretty positive that some of these occasions are her having coffee with Jim. I have seen at least one message confirming this.

What are your thoughts?

Is Jim just a nice guy and I'm over thinking it?
Or is he a creep, but my wife doesn't see it?
Is this the start of an emotional affair?

It's absolutely killing me knowing all this.

I agree with PP - the devil is
in the detail and 2 details that stand out:

1. Your DW openly lied about seeing Jim.
2. Jim actively follows your DW on SM and only adds hearts to her solo pictures. That is sending her a message.

It might be innocent on your DW side, but perhaps she’s ‘just’ enjoying the attention, perhaps she has strayed. But you are entitled to know why she’s lied and what Jim’s intentions are.

OP the level of double standards and androgynous comments on here are off the chart. No need to defend yourself against comments like those, if the feminine versions of some of the things you’ve been called or accused of were levelled at a female poster here there would be an uproar. There is no doubt that if you were a woman, posters would be far more invested in the behaviour and attitude of their potentially unfaithful husband rather than hers. The advice would be radically different too.
The bottom line for me is that anything other than planning a nice surprise for someone shouldn’t need to be hidden, omitted or lied about.
Trust your instincts. Whilst it’s not clear what exactly this is about, if she lied about it (and you have no idea what might be on the work phone) then you are entitled to know why.
I would not like my husband responding with heart emojis to anyone who wasn’t me or his family, and if I saw one I’d look for others in the same way that you did.
My husband had an affair which was work related, my spidey senses weren’t wrong and I had bugger all proof to go on, other than his attitude to something one day which bugged me and kept coming back into my mind all day unbidden. The penny dropped a few hours later, I found proof a day later and I wasn’t wrong.
If it bothers you, it’s clearly important to you, feels truly horrible and needs a discussion with her. I hope it’s what it looks like at face value, “just friends”, but in my opinion an older man responding with a heart emoji to your younger wife’s picture or message isn’t on, regardless. They both need to know that.

He most likely has a crush on your wife and she knows it, hence hiding her seeing him. There is nothing innocent in his behaviour and she enjoys the attention while keeping the distance.
Perhaps you should speak to your wife and let her know that the whole situation makes you uncomfortable. Then take it from there.
Btw, ignore the nasty posters, this place is famous for its double-standards.

Jims behaviour is influenced by your wifes though. You can't blame it all on Jim.
Now of course as a woman I know women can get a lot of unwelcome persistent attention and a lot of men can't take a hint.
But your wife is meeting with him and she's playing dumb acting like he's just a good friend.

You can't control what Jim does or how relentless he wants to be if he's pursuing your wife.
You can't control what your wife does either.

However your wife should be the one putting a stop to this, because that's what married people are supposed to do, they're supposed to shut down inappropriate situations.