Wife and colleague - just friends or...

[Tktktk]

My wife and I (both 42) have been married for 16 years and are very close to each other. We trust each other fully. We both work in a large multi national company, albeit in totally different departments and are based at different sites.

She has a male colleague, let's call him Jim, who she is good friends with. They used to work together a few years ago but she's moved to a different team now. They still regularly meet up for coffee during /after work. They also go out for dinner regularly, but with a wider group and never alone. Jim is much older (55) and married.

I noticed that Jim always reacts to her solo photos on Facebook with a ♥️ but if anyone else is in the pic, he only uses 👍. I discussed this with my wife and also read through Jim's messages to her on Facebook Messenger. Here's a summary of what he said

• I'm always there for you no matter what
• I think of you often
• I missed you (when she was off sick)
• Can you meet me for coffee
• More coffee
• It was really nice to meet you yesterday
• Let's plan dinner

I felt that Jim's behaviour was creepy and inappropriate, and that these messages could easily lead a less trusting husband to take drastic action.

My wife thinks I'm over thinking and Jim's just a nice guy and a good friend. I know that outside of work and dinners with the group from work, she rarely nteracts with Jim, although I can't be sure as I don't have access to her work phone. We haven't fought or argued about it at all, just a conversation so far.

She usually works from home but goes to work once a week. Often she returns home later than she should and I'm left with having to manage our kids and preparing dinner. When I ask her what kept her, she says that she got stopped by people and gut busy in conversation, but I'm pretty positive that some of these occasions are her having coffee with Jim. I have seen at least one message confirming this.

What are your thoughts?

Is Jim just a nice guy and I'm over thinking it?
Or is he a creep, but my wife doesn't see it?
Is this the start of an emotional affair?

It's absolutely killing me knowing all this.

Nonsense. Women don't usually prefer older men at all, it's just a lie older men tell themselves.

No, nothing like that. Plus they're in different departments now. They're at the same level of seniority and rank

OP, I think you're probably right to suspect Jim's intentions. As a man yourself, you probably know how very rare it is for men to befriend women, especially much younger ones, when the man is single, and for there to be nothing but friendship on the guys mind. Many women will tell you of situations where their 'friend' at work has ended up making advances or declaring feelings, with the friendship just a means to an end.
You say your wife is a bit naive. Again, many women can be when they have a 'friend' like Jim. The fact that he's so much older may even make your wife percieve him as 'safe' as in, there's no way he could think I'd see him like that, kind of way. Unfortunately, the Jims of this world are often deluded and do believe they have a chance. Somestimes this can turn out quite badly for the woman as they can at times get obsessive and stalker like.
If I were you, I'd have a chat with her, without accusing her of anything and tell her you're a bit worried about Jim's intentions as he seems very intense for a friend.

So she works one day a week yet

Often she returns home later than she should and I'm left with having to manage our kids and preparing dinner.

So you can't cope with looking after your Dc one day a week?? Does your wife look after them all the other days??

Pathetic.

Have you had an open and honest convo with your wife about how concerned you're feeling.
I was a bit concerned to see you'd put that your wife was a poor judge of character and had been taken in by "creeps" before. I'm sure her judgement is perfectly sound, and don't forget, she chose to be with you didn't she. I'm betting that it's perfectly platonic, and that Jim sees her as a bit of a support system. If your wife is made to feel uncomfortable about it all, I can see why she's avoiding mentioning having coffee and a natter.
Try and talk to her, without sounding judgey about it, and tell her how you feel. You either trust her or you don't.
Hoping all works out for you both.

that these messages could easily lead a less trusting husband to take drastic action.

like what?

you sound really dramatic

My wife is a very poor judge of character and has developed similar friendships with creeps in the past which she now regrets.

🙄🙄🙄 But she has great taste in husbands.

You might not have read the thread.

We both work from home except for one day a week each, which is on different days for each of us.

I do 4 out of 5 school pick ups, and some weeks even on the fifth day.
I cook dinner 90% of the time.
My complaint isn't about her not helping or the arrangement we have. I'm OK with that.

My issue is that she seems happy to stay late at work having coffee with Jim rather than getting back to her family and helping out. Often we're waiting with food on the table and she is still on the way.

And on top of that she doesn't own up that she's been delayed because she was having coffee with Jim.

Contrast that to when I go to the office. I am prompt in returning, pick up the kids from school and then take the lead in getting dinner ready, while she only helps a bit.

I'm sorry, but what bit of that is pathetic except your misogynistic response?

That's very helpful and kind of you isn't it?

If you only bothered reading the thread you'd perhaps have a better understanding.

Have fights, arguments, separation. Who knows.

The conversation I had was effectively
"This Jim guy appears really creepy as he, ♥️s your solo pics on FB but 👍s anything that has me in it. Plus his messages suggesting he's always there for you, he misses you etc don't sound appropriate"

And she downplayed it suggesting that they're just good friends and that Jim is a good guy.

Misandristic I mean. Need to get some sleep I guess 😅

I feel sorry for your wife. Fighting her/having arguments over this is unreasonable. The fact you’re cross-checking emoji he uses is OTT - she can’t control that. There’s nothing to downplay, it’s not serious to begin with

the truth is as she’s known him for a few years now, they’re mates - there’s no reason for her to distance herself from someone who likely acts as a confidante for her and that she has good, platonic rapport with. Work can be stressful, what’s the point in alienating yourself from colleagues? Sometimes you just need to let some steam off with people in the company/outside of your immediate team - work friends can be hard to find.

if you genuinely feel concerned, why don’t you propose a /couples outing so you can get to know him.

To be honest I think you are hurt by all
of this and most people would be . Let’s look at it from another lens maybe they are mates in work with no interaction outside and that’s all it is .
you had a conversation with your wife but it appears this is not resolved and you need some reassurance and you know what that’s perfectly ok . Your human we are sensitive creatures . Chat it out and tell her how it’s making you feel you’re not there to stop work interaction or friendships. I think your wife is very very transparent here which is positive and points to her being an innocent party. Why not do this arrange a babysitter and ensure she knows pop into her workplace and take her out for an early dinner … sometimes others need to be reminded that a loving husband is around . From what you have written you have a good solid relationship I really think all will be well here but once or twice a month early dinner or movie night I think will do the trick here

No it isn't strange or creepy.
She might not have many facebook friends so he might easily see that Jim ❤this post without having to go and check.
Making a mental note of things you notice isn't creepy.

And sometimes we notice stuff while casually scrolling and it registers then after we see it a few times. I've noticed budding relationships that way without stalking or trying to see who likes what!

The only people who really understand the dynamic between two people are the two people.
So the OP doesn't know if it's just friends or not, he has seen something suspicious and he's responding to that.
I would certainly be highly suspicious if a woman was telling my partner she missed him and putting love hearts all over his pictures!

And if I had a friendship with a man (I don't like to develop close friendships with men anymore because they have all tried it on with me or caught feelings) and it was getting possibly inappropriate or to the point where my partner would have concerns it was inappropriate I would notice and pull back from it out of respect.

This.

You might have misunderstood me.
I haven't fought or argued. I noticed something and felt it wasn't right and very calmly pointed it out to her. She thinks nothing of it and feels I'm over reacting, but that doesn't explain the subterfuge.

I'm asking for advice from others who might have a different perspective and experience.

I have never asked her to stop being friends with this guy because I'm fairly positive that she's faithful, although I doubt his intentions and I worry that he is trying it on and that she might waver under the pressure of his attention.

Way to totally miss the point of the thread 🙄I take it reading comprehension was never your strong point?

I'm with you OP. Jim is just waiting to make his move.
its sounds a bit over friendly to me.

i wonder how it would be if roles were reversed and it was you who had this best friend.

Some of these comments… honestly, just nasty…

Becoming hypervigilant when you’re feeling unsafe is absolutely common FOR BOTH SEXES it comes from a growing sense of anxiety, it’s absolutely natural. Of course you start noticing emojis and ask to see messages etc etc. I don’t know any woman who didn’t go delving into SM/messages etc before pulling the plug on her marriage (where there was a potential affair) because without evidence that would be stupid FFS.

The goal from these behaviours is to make you feel safe again. The thing is it’s not helped it’s just added to the unease.

OP you do not feel safe. This is the bottom line. You feel as though this man is a threat to your relationship and your wife lying about where she was is a sign that your instincts are right.

I have no idea what the actual relationship is but I do know that relationships are transactional and your wife is getting something out of the contact with this man who clearly fancies her (validation, ego kibbles). This is something she needs to delve into because that need is pushing her to make choices that include lying to you.

I’d take a look at ‘not just friends’ by Shirley glass, this is exactly the kind of risky dynamic that she warns about. I find knowledge is power and being able to speak rationally to your wife about this may help her and you move forward together.

I’m so sorry, I know this feeling all too well and it’s horrendous.

On the day that your wife goes the office, why does she have to be home promptly to sort the kids and housework? Can't she have the freedom to have an evening doing what she wants?

What was it that led you to trawl facebook posts checking out every emoji he's left, and checking their messages?

Because something made you think your wife was lying about the situation.

Everything else - the occasional coffee with an old colleague, dinner with a group of colleagues, no signs that she was meeting him or talking to him other than that - sounds very innocent.

But something led you to not trust your wife, and to check up on their facebook interactions.

I agree that if she's lied about her reasons for leaving work late when she was actually with him - that's wrong, and a bad sign. But do you know she's lied? Or have you assumed it, based on his emoji use?

Rather off topic here.

But you just need to kick her out. Make a plan for custody with the kids and file for divorce.

Prolonging your pain is not going to make things any easier. Rip the plaster off.

Do you need someone to link you the graph?

in aggregate women prefer men a few years older (mostly 2-5 years), we used to just look at the relationships that formed, but then online dating came along and we could see what different people filtered for (indicating their idea). Men's "ideal" were just early 20s across the board, women seemed to prefer a much mare sensible preference relative to themselves.

If you like men 20 years younger than you that is great for you but doesn't change the general trend.

No I don't need a graph thank you to prove to me that women often partner men 2-5 years older. An age gap of so little significance its practically meaningless. If you have a graph that proves 'women usually prefer older men' meaningful to the context of this thread where we are quite obviously discussing a significantly older man - 13 years older, then I'd be interested in that. I'm not disputing male preferences for much younger women, it's the idea it's reciprocal that is delusional.