Wife and colleague - just friends or...

[Tktktk]

My wife and I (both 42) have been married for 16 years and are very close to each other. We trust each other fully. We both work in a large multi national company, albeit in totally different departments and are based at different sites.

She has a male colleague, let's call him Jim, who she is good friends with. They used to work together a few years ago but she's moved to a different team now. They still regularly meet up for coffee during /after work. They also go out for dinner regularly, but with a wider group and never alone. Jim is much older (55) and married.

I noticed that Jim always reacts to her solo photos on Facebook with a ♥️ but if anyone else is in the pic, he only uses 👍. I discussed this with my wife and also read through Jim's messages to her on Facebook Messenger. Here's a summary of what he said

• I'm always there for you no matter what
• I think of you often
• I missed you (when she was off sick)
• Can you meet me for coffee
• More coffee
• It was really nice to meet you yesterday
• Let's plan dinner

I felt that Jim's behaviour was creepy and inappropriate, and that these messages could easily lead a less trusting husband to take drastic action.

My wife thinks I'm over thinking and Jim's just a nice guy and a good friend. I know that outside of work and dinners with the group from work, she rarely nteracts with Jim, although I can't be sure as I don't have access to her work phone. We haven't fought or argued about it at all, just a conversation so far.

She usually works from home but goes to work once a week. Often she returns home later than she should and I'm left with having to manage our kids and preparing dinner. When I ask her what kept her, she says that she got stopped by people and gut busy in conversation, but I'm pretty positive that some of these occasions are her having coffee with Jim. I have seen at least one message confirming this.

What are your thoughts?

Is Jim just a nice guy and I'm over thinking it?
Or is he a creep, but my wife doesn't see it?
Is this the start of an emotional affair?

It's absolutely killing me knowing all this.

Why do some posters miss the entire point of the thread and instead go about man-bashing when the OP posts as a man? It doesn't matter what sex you are, when you have worries about your other half, then you have worries about your other half. A person who is worried needs compassion and understanding regardless of what bloody sex they are.

Unless Jim is gay, then Jim fancies her but your wife is yet another naïve woman thinking oh he's just a nice guy being friendly 🙄🙄🙄 she might not cheat, she might truly not want anything more than friendship with him but Jim's intentions aren't platonic.
These guys never wanna meet up with the unattractive women, do they? 😂 they are super friendly and have all the time to 'heart' and go for coffees when they want to see you naked. Ahh.. some things never change!

All you can do is tell her as a man ms intuition you suspect Jim to have a crush on her. Just plant this seed in her head and see if she pulls back contact with him.

I'll tell you one thing.
I've never subscribed to the school of thought which believes that people of the opposite sex can go for coffee or dinner together, and it be completely innocent.

Does Jim have any potential influence on her career? Any changce she just knows that he has a soft spot for her & is just entertaining it do see if it gets her further?

Other than I think about you often,the rest seem fairly standard.

You either trust her or you don't?

How is your relationship? Is she just seeking attention & he's giving it to her?

Sounds like he may or may not fancy her - those messages are quite bland in themselves, but everything all together would definitely raise my eyebrow if I was on the receiving end. But there's plausible deniability and if that's as far as he goes it's not something I'd feel the need to shut down.

No evidence to suggest your wife reciprocates. I suspect that she doesn't want to shut anything down for several good reasons: not to create awkwardness with someone she has to work with (and who she otherwise likes); not thinking the bland messages rise to the level of having to take action; not feeling threatened by Jim so able to deal with him by putting him in the friend zone.

She shouldn't be lying to you but you did make it weird first by tracking his emojis and reading their messages, so I can see why she doesn't want to just casually bring up that she's had coffee with him.

You may not but plenty of people have coffee & dinner and it's just a friendship.

I work in a make environment & have colleagues and former colleagues who are men who I etc up with. There's zero untoward in it.

My partner's best friend is female - again it's just friendship. If they were going to get together, it would have happened in the last 30 years.

I think it sounds like this man does fancy your wife, OP.

I'd be worried about it. I'd have to ask her directly, too.

Thanks, understand what you're saying completely.

The reading of messages and posts is new news (this weekend) but the coffee incidents and coming home late are from 2023 (she hasn't been able to physically go to work in 2024 due to being unable to drive)

Sorry, not dinner maybe. Imagine if you leaving heart emoji on some younger mums’ Facebook that you met outside the school gate and meeting her for one to one chat over coffee giving career advice.( Ick!). I do see what you mean by the heart and like emoji.
I agree with the other pps

• The chances are he has a crush or he also sending similar messages to other attractive female fiends. Some men enjoy flirting.
• Your wife would be foolish to leave his children and younger husband for an older man and become a step mum for some grown up children. So I don’t think there is anything suspicious on her side.
• Whatever you are feeling, it will be worse for the 55M’s wife. It hurts her self-esteem.

I guess you just want your wife to understand where you are coming from and acknowledge he is being inappropriate and give her your trust that she will set the appropriate boundary with this man. If she ever attempt to brush you off, you can turn around and say if she don’t mind you to develop the same kind of platonic relationship with younger female colleagues.

Thanks, that's most helpful.

You're right, I don't suspect that my wife is attracted to him, although I worry she might be getting too emotionally involved. There's a very thin line there. I know she'll have set the physical boundaries from her side.

My bigger worry is that this Jim guy is taking advantage of her trust and manoeuvring her towards where he wants to go.

My wife is a very poor judge of character and has developed similar friendships with creeps in the past which she now regrets. She probably sees his attention as good natured and friendly, but the way it has been delivered really creeps me out and worries me. She has several other male colleagus and friends but no one else behaves like Jim.

I guess I'll have to keep an eye out and if she lies to me about meetings with him in the future, call her out and explain why it is suspicious and how it hurts me.

I think that's over simplistic. He knows wife has lied, is he still supposed to trust her unconditionally?

I'd say it's almost certain they're more emotionally involved than a straightforward work friendship. Whether it's gone further, I couldn't say, but I'd bet that one or both of them would like it to, even if they believe they'd never act in it.

Yes, men and women can be friends, but it's amazing how these intense friendships always involve an older man with a younger woman. I have lots of male friends. I don't have any I'm meeting up with in secret.

My wife is a very poor judge of character and has developed similar friendships with creeps in the past which she now regrets

Oh dear.
Presumably that doesn't include you, OP.

How many friendships with creeps have you had to intervene with?

Lol, considering we've been together for so many years, I'm not so sure, although she'd definitely be the first to pull my leg and claim I'm the biggest one so far.

Thankfully I haven't had to intervene with any of these friendships and she found out herself. These were before we were together.

Always the same on MN. It’s a man and therefore he is at fault.., somehow… I bet if it were Jim’s wife noticing the emojis they would suddenly be really important, but if it is OP looking it is OP is being unreasonable.

He obviously is interested. She is aware. What is more concerning is that she didn’t indicate this was her playing along but keeping the distance for the same of work relations. She instead has arranged to meet with him after work and lied about it.

Her entertaining the interest of another guy even if she is not interested may want to give you pause for thought if things are a bit stale. If you both normally have evenings on childcare matters, that is quite dull. Shouldn’t each of you have an evening where you do something different to get a break?

As for if you should be concerned about him, I suggest not yet.

100% the blatant misandry on here is frightening.

So true. Sad to see sometimes. Both males amd females go through the same issues and both face cheating partners and relationship struggles.

Thanks all,
I'll keep an eye on the coffees and dinners and if I get any more cover ups or lies then I don't have a choice but to confront the Mrs. Hoping it doesn't come to this with all my heart.

The reply if it was her dh and a female work colleague ………….. LTB

Long time lurker, signed up to reply to this especially. From another man, there's more to this, if your 6th sense is telling you then trust it. I'm 41 my wife is 48 married 18 years, 2 dc. 6 weeks now since I discovered her affair with work colleague age 54. I met him at xmas do and instantly felt something wasn't right, asked about it the following day, only to be told we just friends. Yea, works Xmas eve drinks they went out, kissed, went out again in Feb works do, kissing, I just knew something was right I felt sick from it. Turns out I was right. Both in love with each other, been a subject of gossip at work since last summer, work husband and wife etc. I'm 6'2, handsome, great dad, husband, her friends can't believe it all shocked, some sided with me hence details ive since discovered. He's 5'8 bald obnoxious, she can't explain what's caused it or what she sees in him. Just they have mad chemistry. He's done the usual love bombed her but as soon as I spoke to him, calmly on the phone on speaker with wife there, he instantly chose his wife and cut all contact she was ready to leave me. Still says she feels stronger for him than me. I've lost nearly 2 stone. She's my world, we going counselling. But I'm just 2nd choice, I know that. Hurts like hell. Trust your instinct.

Is this Jim more senior in the organisation than your wife, and does he have any influence over her future progression or promotions? If this might be the case, then I suspect that she is trying to keep friendly but at arm's length, because she is aware that rebuffing him could have a negative impact on her career.

ExH acted on instinct, and he believed for some time that I was having a relationship with my boss. He never told me this until some time after we'd split up.

He was completely wrong, there never had been anything going on, and I was gobsmacked when he told me. He was staggered when I put him straight, but it was far too late by then.

You sound like a really reasonable and emotionally intelligent person. Jim is absolutely into your wife, it's obvious from the messages you quoted. It's very likely that she's not into him in that way and is either enjoying the attention or has not noticed. I have a work colleague (male, I'm female) who I sometimes meet up for dog walks with. There's absolutely nothing going on, we just talk about work, no flirting whatsoever (ick!) but for some reason I don't tell my partner about meeting him (we don't live together) because I feel guilty that he might think something is going on! Ridiculous I know! I think if I did fancy my colleague, I wouldn't meet him!

I think you need to be really open and honest with your wife. Tell her you trust her but it's causing you worry. Is there a way you can plan a wknd away without the kids and make time to talk? She may open up more. Life can get a bit boring and it would be refreshing to have a change of scene.

In the meantime, I'd be tagging her in romantic photos of the two of you on Facebook!

PS Jim is a creep!

That makes no sense. If he wants his wife to imagine his position he needs to ask her to imagine him messaging a 55 year old female colleague saying it was nice to see her and thanks for the coffee, and ask if she'd be ok with that, because that's the reversed scenario. She's not a messaging 29 year old man telling him she can't stop thinking about them, so why would OP say that?

Jim is a creep, I’m not sure what your wife’s intentions are. Maybe just keeping him sweet to get along well with work / career? Is he attractive?

I’d speak with her about it and let her know you’re uncomfortable and think he’s a creep

@5128gap because women usually prefer older men; men like younger women.