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Relationships

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Original poster

How do you manage your feelings around not being your partner's usual type?

111 replies

KeepTheDoorClosed · 26/03/2024 17:43

I'm probably far too old to be worrying about this but I am not my partner's type physically. At all. The opposite in fact and not in a good way.

I'm also completely different to them in terms of personality, character, level of education, career choice. Everything.

I'm really struggling with it, which is also very different to how they were. They were also very confident and self assured and I'm clearly not.

I just feel like all the time he's with me, he's not going to meet someone more his type. I see women who are his type all the time. He must do too.

OP posts:

Surfapparel · 26/03/2024 17:45

How do you know you're not his type? Did he say that to you?

Blushingm · 26/03/2024 17:51

I don't know - I have the same problem

DP has even said I'm different to people he has been out with previously - but he says I'm beautiful and he loves me but I still feel inferior - I imagine his friends wonder what he's doing with me. I'm bigger - think size 18-20 with boobs whereas his exw is tall and size 10 and an ex ballet dancer

Original poster

KeepTheDoorClosed · 26/03/2024 17:54

I've met his significant exes.

I suppose I know what he finds attractive because he's told me. Lots of people share that sort of thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

KeepTheDoorClosed · 26/03/2024 17:58

Blushingm · 26/03/2024 17:51

I don't know - I have the same problem

I'm equally different physically. His exes had similar characteristics to each other physical and otherwise. They weren't identical but I'm very different.

I just wonder how, when he clearly has a type, he can be with me and not long for what he's missing.

OP posts:

Ohffsbarbara · 26/03/2024 18:00

If my “d”p kept on mentioning his “type” which was clearly the complete opposite of me I’d be telling him to sling his hook quite frankly.

Instead you are going exactly what he wants you to - ruminating/stressing that you are somehow not good enough for him and that he’ll find someone “better”

Now why would he want to make you feel like that do you think?

NavyPeer · 26/03/2024 18:01

KeepTheDoorClosed · 26/03/2024 17:54

I've met his significant exes.

I suppose I know what he finds attractive because he's told me. Lots of people share that sort of thing.

It’s really not a normal thing to share with your significant other

your anxiety is coming from his triangulation

and that’s his intention

Original poster

KeepTheDoorClosed · 26/03/2024 18:05

He doesn't 'keep on mentioning' it.

He told me during a conversation some time ago. He's not mentioned it at all since it was obvious it it had upset me but it only upsets me because I don't think he's being honest with himself or me.

I'm on edge about it constantly.

OP posts:

AzureBlue99 · 26/03/2024 18:09

You are actually insulting him by thinking like this, he is clearly not as shallow as you think he is. He finds you attractive, end of. Just enjoy the relationship. If you are thinking pessimistically about your relationship you may as well end it now. For his sake as well as yours. You sound needy for reassurance.

gannett · 26/03/2024 18:10

Never occurred to me to think in these terms.

People often have multiple "types", just because you're often attracted to a particular physicality doesn't mean you can't be attracted to something else. I mostly like men with brown hair but that doesn't stop me fancying DP who is blond.

And if I'm not someone's usual type, then I must be a shit hot version of a different type if he's gone for me.

Original poster

KeepTheDoorClosed · 26/03/2024 18:11

It’s really not a normal thing to share with your significant other

I don't know about that. From listening to friends and colleagues talking about their relationships and reading threads on here, it seems pretty common to share this sort of thing. And when I've met his exes, I can see what they look like.

OP posts:

Autienotnaughtie · 26/03/2024 18:13

So he's told you, you are not his type? I'd be pretty offended by that!

Ohffsbarbara · 26/03/2024 18:18

He told me during a conversation some time ago.

Even so, in 20 years together my dh has never told me his “type” - if he has such a thing. Just talking about exes looks-wise in general would be a no-no for me - It’s a pretty juvenile/shallow thing to discuss with a partner anyway surely?

As if you would only fancy tall men with dark hair as one homogenous mass - nothing to do with their personality?

Opentooffers · 26/03/2024 18:18

Why have you met his ex's? That's unusual- that he still knows them and that you have met them. Unless they have DC's with him.

Anotherparkingthread · 26/03/2024 18:20

Me and my partner are not eachothers types.

We are both very blonde and we both generally go for dark hair/eyes.

We have spoken about it in passing. It's not the end of the world. I think a lot of attraction is based on personality and general mood and aura that a person creates. Remember there's a reason it didn't work out with any of his ex's who were his type. What you like and what you can live with are two different things. You can find the aloof, brooding type exciting and alluring but realise they are a never going to be suitable as a long term partner. You might find hot tempered and outspoken attractive but realise it's unsustainable long term.

You shouldn't dwell on this, it will spoil the mood. If he didn't like you then you wouldn't have ended up together. He obviously sees something in you that youcant see, try to focus on the connection you have and what he does like about you instead of what you are insecure about.

Antonio85 · 26/03/2024 18:22

Just because his exes looked a certain way it doesn't mean it's his type. Kim Kardashian is my type but none of my exes have had huge arses.

He was attracted to them and now he is attracted to you. Don't worry.

Loopytiles · 26/03/2024 18:23

Most people don’t have a ‘type’, or if they prefer certain things they’re not rude enough (at best) to mention it to their current partner who is different.

Thinking about this isn’t going to help you. If it feels like your boyfriend is into you and treating you well, would work on your self esteem. If he’s put you down etc, your worries are justified but are due to him.

DatingDinosaur · 26/03/2024 18:29

You've met his significant exes. EXes. So they clearly weren't right for him. If they were, they wouldn't be exes.

Sounds like he's realised what hasn't worked out for him in the past and has learned that "doing the same thing you always did gets you the same results you always got".

See the fact that he's with you as a positive rather than comparing yourself with his exes and thinking it's you with the shortcomings. He's with you, not them.

Loopytiles · 26/03/2024 18:33

Telling you about his ‘type’ was shit. Introducing you to multiple exes was shit, unless there were ‘natural’ reasons you’d come across them.

RegretMisery · 26/03/2024 18:34

why do u care. he chose you

sprigatito · 26/03/2024 18:38

How much time does he spend fretting about whether or not he's your "type"? Reframe your thinking. He's bloody lucky to be with you.

Tillybud81 · 26/03/2024 18:41

I never get this whole "type" thing. I get we are attracted to certain people but I couldn't actually tell you what my type is. I mean is Chris Hemsworth a type?, not one of my exes have looked anything like him (though one is Aussie) and I didn't leave any of them because they didn't.

I beleive we can find certain people attractive to look at but it's a whole different thing to be attracted to the person, I also think I'd trust a man who is not with a woman who is his "type" more because it must be for deeper things than looks

BigBlo · 26/03/2024 18:45

When you had the conversation about his “type”, he clearly described someone different to you, and that is why you are sad.

That is not a normal conversation to have in a relationship and it is unkind. You say it “a normal conversation” as you hear your friends and colleagues talking about types… the difference is though that you aren’t in a sexual or romantic relationship with these people!

I agree with a previous poster that it is likely that he is trying to stir insecurity in you.

If my DH wasn’t originally my “type” then I’d certainly never tell him that!

MorrisZapp · 26/03/2024 18:47

This is like those teenage photo stories from the 80s. I remember thinking that there was an actual thing where men can be a 'leg man' or a 'bum man'. Then I realised it was all a load of absolute bobbins.

If you're his partner, you're his 'type'.

DojaPhat · 26/03/2024 18:47

How have you met multiple exes? Does he have kids or a shared business with all of them? I think you've let the thought take root in your mind and now it's sprouted into something of a wild bush with various branches of ideas reaching far off into corners of your mind. If he's not reminding you of it all the time then you need to actively refocus your mind when the thoughts creep in. Otherwise you'll eventually get sick of eachother.

TheSnowyOwl · 26/03/2024 18:48

His relationships with the people he previous went for clearly didn’t work out and, to date, this one is. Perhaps that should be what you are focusing on.

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