How do you manage your feelings around not being your partner's usual type?

[KeepTheDoorClosed]

I'm probably far too old to be worrying about this but I am not my partner's type physically. At all. The opposite in fact and not in a good way.

I'm also completely different to them in terms of personality, character, level of education, career choice. Everything.

I'm really struggling with it, which is also very different to how they were. They were also very confident and self assured and I'm clearly not.

I just feel like all the time he's with me, he's not going to meet someone more his type. I see women who are his type all the time. He must do too.

"Type" is a load of bollocks. If you go by famous people I find attractive, my type is tall leggy redheads with pale skin. Think Karen Gillen.

In real life, my type is "person I fancy", and not a one of them has been a tall leggy redhead with pale skin. Real life chemistry has very little to do with what someone looks like, aside from possibly in that first moment you notice them.

I'd certainly not be ditching my DP just because someone who was more my type came along.

If you go for the same time repeatedly in your youth, sometimes those relationships repeatedly fail for the same reason each time.

Sounds like maybe he matured and found someone who suited him much better.

My husband is the only man I have ever been with who has been my type and equally I am the same to him. All of my previous partners have not looked like my type whereas my husband was back then and still is now!

Yes, they were natural reasons.

He didn't need to tell me. I can see what they look like and other stuff came up in conversation. He knows some stuff about significant exes because it's come up in conversation.

I think the key is to think about how you feel about your types.

I might think 'I really like washboard abs' but that doesn't actually translate into a feeling of disappointment or 'lesser than' when I date someone who doesn't have them. They two sides of totally different equations.

I think it can also be too simplistic to say all his exes have been confident and, therefore, confidence is what attracted him to them. Attraction to real life partners is far more complex than that and it might be more along the lines of something about how they related to him specifically - the same something you might have but cannot see you have.

Plus, thay are exes. If they are all of a type, it's quite clear that type does not work out for him

Love that.

They are exes for a reason , and they didn't work out

Is he your usual type ?

When I met DH I felt I wasn't his "type". He never said that, but it's how I felt. His previous exes - especially the longest term/most serious one - were thin, sporty, intellectual types. I'm not any of those things.

But as DH said, I've got lots of other qualities and he fell in love with me. We've now been together 30 years. Along the way he's met plenty of thin, sporty, intellectual women but it's not those things that make a relationship.

Strange how his 'type' are now exes. He chose u and u chose him.

I don't have a type as such. The men I've dated have all been so different to each other. No one could presume I have a type.

That's why it feels so awkward to me.

I think you've let the thought take root in your mind and now it's sprouted into something of a wild bush with various branches of ideas reaching far off into corners of your mind.

That's probably very true.

But it doesn't stop me from feeling inadequate.

For example, he's said he finds a particular accent sexy. It's an accent from a country I love and have visited often. I now feel like I can't go there because I'll be inferior to every woman there because i dont have that accent. I can't watch anything with women who have that accent in it.

I know it's stupid but I can't help how I feel.

You sound like you think you're not good enough for him and that would cause an imbalance in the relationship that would make him more likely to leave you than him having a 'type'. What's the point of being in a relationship where you're constantly worried he's going you leave you anyway? If you can't accept that he's with you because he wants you and is attracted to you then you might as well ship out now. Its exhausting being with someone that needs constant validation and reassurance. Not many relationships survive it.

@KeepTheDoorClosed
i know it's stupid but I can't help how I feel.

You absolutely can help the way you feel. People change their perspective all the time. CBT can help it just rationalising that just because someone finds say a Scottish accent sexy it doesn't mean they find all Scottish people sexy

I don't seek reassurance. It's all internal but he probably picks up on stuff.

I have wondered if we'd both be better out of it.

I think that I'd be less bothered by it if I felt attractive in my own right but I don't.

I'm not the most beautiful or sexy, or intelligent, or anything woman, I've very bog standard. And I'm very much punching with DP. but I don't worry about this stuff at all. I make him happier than anyone ever has, the life we have together is incredible, I love him, I treat him with respect and make him feel loved, desired, safe. There's not a single part of me that thinks he's stupid or shallow enough to throw that away for someone "better". Our life is about more than just what qualities I have on paper or what I look like.

I think we all have a certain type of appearance which attracts our attention but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we will stay partners with this type.
You said yourself that they were his exes so he certainly was attracted to them visually at the beginning but it went nowhere (because it’s never enough in life).

just because someone finds say a Scottish accent sexy it doesn't mean they find all Scottish people sexy

Rationally I understand that. But it feels like those women have an advantage over me that I'm never going to have.

At the weekend we went out and there was a woman of this nationality there. Realistically, I know he wasn't interested for many reasons (she had the physical hallmarks of significant drug and alcohol issues) but I still felt inferior to her because she was also something he finds desirable that I'll never be.

It's messed up. I know that.

I'm plagued with thoughts that he looks at me and wishes I was more this or less that or sees other women and wishes he was with someone like that.

It must be exhausting OP to feel.like this. U need to be ur inner cheerleader not critic. Do u think counselling might be something you could consider?

Hmm could be nothing in it, but if something seems off, are you quite wealthy, or own your own house etc, and his situation (without you ) is more unstable? If so, then probably do watch your back, and make sure he doesn't take advantage of you.

He's chosen to be with you. That's got to count for something.

This sounds like a relatively new relationship from how insecure you're feeling in it.

I'm sure he has complimented you on what he likes and sees in you. Believe him. If he wanted a certain type of woman, he would be her.

I was with someone once and I was his type on paper. Lacking the education and pay grade though. I felt so insecure, because I could have been any of his exes and I now am. Just another paper cutout with a different face.

He's now with someone who's the total opposite. Surprised us all as he has always made it known he couldn't be with anyone but his type. He seems happy enough.

Personally, I don't have a physical type. And, if I did trust me, he was far from it. Short, balding, ginger and very corporate. He lacked intelligence as well. Got away with it but you could tell he was often out of his depth. And, intelligence (although lacking a formal education myself) is what i look for. I guess it just goes to show opposites attract.

If I were you, I wouldn't stress about it and take comfort in knowing you are different to the rest. Significantly. Be proud of who you are and what you have to offer.

I'd be wondering how shallow someone has to be to have a "type" - as if you can choose partners from an Argos catalogue.

My DH has a type: someone intelligent, kind and fun. I'm very different from his previous partners, older than them and not half as good-looking, but I know I'm his favourite.

You realise you have an advantage that no other woman has don't you. He's already with you. He's picked you. He's chosen you.