How do you manage your feelings around not being your partner's usual type?

[KeepTheDoorClosed]

I'm probably far too old to be worrying about this but I am not my partner's type physically. At all. The opposite in fact and not in a good way.

I'm also completely different to them in terms of personality, character, level of education, career choice. Everything.

I'm really struggling with it, which is also very different to how they were. They were also very confident and self assured and I'm clearly not.

I just feel like all the time he's with me, he's not going to meet someone more his type. I see women who are his type all the time. He must do too.

He's just one man OP

And now you can't go to an entire country because you fear the romantic attraction of one man

This relationship is driving you mad, if you want to take a chance, because no one but him is going to be able to give you the endless reassurance you need, take a chance. Tell him everything, how you feeling, why you won't book a festival ticket, all you paranoia about his exes.

Either he will run for the hills, which he is going to do eventually because he will have no choice, or he reassures you and you blossom and have a secure and happy future.

Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship when you didn't feel like this? I just don't get why you are hanging around waiting for him to prove you right.

My dp has a type and I'm quite a way different. We've been together far longer than he was with anyone else - his type obviously doesn't mean 'long term relationship -worthy'.

So he's a bum man - I have a bum but perhaps different to his type. I also have mad hair rather than neat blonde bob, a can-do attitude rather than meek and malleable (I've met his two most significant exes).

I'm old enough to not put up with any shit about what he went for before me. If he doesn't like it (after 10 years) he can fuck off!

Bobbotgegrinch

Thank you. That made a lot of sense. And a lot of it is what I try to tell myself really when I'm feeling like this but it's overwhelming at times and it's why, for example, I'm unsure about going away to this festival. I would rather not see who he is surrounded by and be comparing myself to them than be there.

great forearms (I'm told forearms are a bit of a thing on here)

Ha, they do seem to be, don't they!

Anyway, thank you to you amd everyone else for your input. Lots of food for thought.

I'm not paranoid about his eyes per se. I know why each of his major relationships ended. I don't think he's comparing me to them.

I said from the beginning I know it's stupid and ridiculous. I do see that and hear it and being in constant fight or flight mode is physically and mentally exhausting.

It’s not stupid because it does create insecurity. My ex did this to me but in a very backhanded way- ie mentioning how pretty someone was or how slim they were on tv. The thing is they were all brunette and size 10. I am blonde and size 16 so it did make me feel like it was only a matter of time. I think some men do it on purpose.

Your whole post was about not being his type.

You are comparing them to you. You are comparing a whole country, an accent, a festival, to you.

You are thinking if his preferred Barbie doll gives him a second glance you won't see him for dust.

What's stopping you just telling him exactly how you feel/what you are thinking?

When I had been with H for just 11 little months I had a missed MC maybe not sure pregnancy scare, I went a bit loopy lou so sat him in a park whilst he patiently listened to this crazy me explaining how as far as I was concerned I was on track to be a homeless single mother (none of that happened) he thought it was quite endearing and of course reassured me that none of that was applicable. What I needed was his honest answer to my thoughts. The thoughts were far more destructive than any, any outcome.

So why don't you tell him? I don't advise dragging him to the park and ranting, besides it was summer it made more sense at the time to be outside.

My dh said to me early on “I’ve only ever dated really petite blondes so you’re a first.” But he married me, not them. So I tell myself he saw something in me he never found elsewhere.

Wouldn't thank you for it. I have a sports car which he helps me maintain but if we go anywhere together we use his car. He did get me an experience day driving and I suggested we do it together but nope. He's definitely not a speed demon, just thinks the fancy sports cars look good.

His ‘usual types’ are all exes, that must say something. Maybe he’s expanded his horizons but whatever his reasons, waiting for the other shoe to drop is no life.

What would be helpful to you here OP? Are you just sounding out your concerns so others can suggest any mechanisms for managing your feelings?
I'm asking as I note you say you can't accommodate therapy right now and previous bouts of counselling haven't been useful in this area.

My own two pennies is to try and do some work in your own self worth and view of yourself which doesn't have to be through therapy. Lots of literature on these things and youtube has helpful vids.

My partner fancied me for years before we got together and I'd have never have known I'm not his usual type which would be physically shorter. He works in entertainment so has ample exposure to all types of woman.

I do feel secure in myself and this confidence has enabled our relationship to flourish. We are set to marry next year.

I hope you can work through things and feel better. All the best.

“Yes, you're right logically, I know he wouldn't be with me if he didn't find me attractive but my brain won't let me accept it because all i can see are the things he finds attractive that I'm not. I hadn't considered online therapy that's a good shout. Thanks.”

@KeepTheDoorClosed - glad to have helped. I have had online therapy and it’s been fab. I think CBT could be really helpful for you because it will help you detach from unhelpful messages from your brain (and these are unhelpful messages). Thoughts are not facts but at the moment you are treating your thoughts as if they are facts to which you must pay attention. CBT will train you out of this and you will learn to let damaging thoughts float on by (and over time they will happen less).

And FWIW - I wasn’t my DH’s “type”. The relationships with his “type” had all ended. He and I have been together for over 25 years.