How do you manage your feelings around not being your partner's usual type?

[KeepTheDoorClosed]

I'm probably far too old to be worrying about this but I am not my partner's type physically. At all. The opposite in fact and not in a good way.

I'm also completely different to them in terms of personality, character, level of education, career choice. Everything.

I'm really struggling with it, which is also very different to how they were. They were also very confident and self assured and I'm clearly not.

I just feel like all the time he's with me, he's not going to meet someone more his type. I see women who are his type all the time. He must do too.

I am trying to!

Thank you.

I do know, of course, that it hasn't worked with his exes so just finding those features attractive isn't enough but they are still what he finds attractive.

I'm not bothered about his exes per se, it's more about me.

About 3 years.

Have you felt this way in previous relationships?

I can't recall discussing with a romantic partner any features they lacked that seemed sexy to me, nor can i recall it being done to me - except once by an abusive ex actually. It seems unnecessary and thoughtless.

If i was with someone who did it I would wonder if they were negging me.

I'm on edge about it constantly.

I'm so sorry to read this, it is no way for you to live. I'm not sure what to suggest but I'd encourage you to start looking for ways to manage your anxiety around this. Do you find you get anxious about other things outside your control, too?

Meanwhile, have a read of Daphne du Maurier's book Rebecca. It is available as an audio book and as a movie in you-tube.

Watch it carefully and see whether you can see why I suggest it. All the very best to build a life without this additional burden of not feeling worthy.

I think people who have a type are pretty immature emotionally

I don't mean a type in that they will only date that 'type' but in what they find attractive and are attracted to.

I know what he finds attractive in women generally.

I have felt like it a few times but not really.

The man I went out with before I met him was very vocal about what he found attractive and how I didn't match up. We would walk into a room and I would know immediately which women would catch his eye and whose eye he would try and catch in return.

Before then, I believed a lot of what women on here are saying. But it made wonder how many men had these thoughts privately and wished their girlfriends/partners were more like X and less like themselves. I've spoken to a couple of male friends since and they seemed to agree with him but said they wouldn't be so rude as to say it.

It is quite a surprise to have male posters on here saying differently.

We didnt have a big conversation about it, it was more that things have just cropped up in conversation.

And I can see the similarities between his exes for myself.

I read it a long time ago. I can vaguely remember it...

No, I don't feel anxious in other areas at all really.

Actually, that's probably not true. I have moments of worrying about whether I'm good enough at my job but I can quickly dispell those because I know I am. Or rather I'm very clear about where my strengths and weaknesses lie.

I know what my strengths and weakness are personally but, in my head, the qualities I do possess are less important than the ones I don't.

I think I'd be ok with not being his usual type.
I had the opposite problem, in that o was almost a carbon copy of his ExW. Temperament, habits, everything.
In fact I've glanced at pictures of her and actually thought it was me until I looked closer. That was really upsetting as it just felt like he was trying to get her back again. But I'm me. Not her.
It sounds like your OH says and does all the right things, and (kindly) this is your own insecurities.
It's hard, but please try to see the positives in the way he treats you and don't dwell on this

I know I’m 10000 x better than his usual type. He says this to me all the time!

The way I see it people can be attracted to all different kinds of people. Types are meaningless.

think you just need to live in the now and enjoy the relationship.

You can’t change anything about the past and who either of you were involved with. But you absolutely can influence now and just be positive.

I think the issue is OP you've openly discussed who he finds attractive. You don't have a type, but even if he does he should have been more considerate by not voicing it knowing it was different characteristics to you.
I had an ex who did this. On our first date he commented he found something attractive on a woman near where we were sitting that was something I didn't like and would never have. It just went on, all women from x nationality were gorgeous (he did a lot of work trips there), oh you'll love this friend of mine she's stunning blah, blah, blah. Then if I made any comment that I didn't find it respectful I was told I was insecure.
I'm not sure what their end game is but it's definitely not to make you feel good.
My current dp is my greatest cheerleader, he makes me feel attractive, funny, sexy and wanted. I suggest you find someone that makes you feel this way too and if that's "needy" well so be it!

That's the thing though, he's not like that. We haven't openly discussed it but things have cropped up in conversation as passing comments. They've not been dwelt upon.

He's never put me down or criticised me in favour of another woman. He's never accused me of being insecure. He doesn't ever comment on women when we're out and about.

He never speaks badly of me and is my biggest cheerleader too but I'm also aware of these inadequacies. Maybe they're just more important to me. I don't know.

Well in that case @KeepTheDoorClosed it sounds like he's doing all the right stuff and you know this as you've just stated it above.

If he ended up with you then they weren't his type were they? Think you're making a mountain of a molehill here

My husband fannied about for years thinking he had a "type". Then he met me who is not that "type".

And I blew his fucking socks off

Does he love you? Fancy you? Does he show it?

Then don't worry about it. You are his type because he's with you and attracted to you.

If my husband saw who I'd previously dated he'd think he wasn't my type either. But the truth is I don't have a "type". I just like who I like.

You're the one he chose to be with. OH always comments on the fancy sports cars but he drives an old rover which he wouldn't be without. He likes dogs but we have a cat and they're best buddies. Things we 'like' may not be what we end up choosing.

Maybe he wouldn't be without the old Rover. But what would he give for an hour in a fast sports car?

Respectfully, there's a reason he is with you and no one else. He obviously finds you attractive and is into you enough that you are together, is that not good enough?

I have a 'type', brown hair, brown eyes, cheeky grin, tall, athletic, ideally in a uniform. But guess what, the man who rocks my world isn't all that tall, blonde, blue eyes. But he's so incredibly attractive to me because of how warm, honest, respectful and loving he is.

But the price for the hour in the fast sports car is that he has to give up the old rover.

I think most of us would jump at the chance to spend an hour with Chris Hemsworth or Kiera Knightly (or insert celeb crush here)

But if the cost is ending the relationship with your partner, we're not going to take it.

Noone is ever going to find their perfect companion. Everyone makes compromises. Your DHs exes obviously weren't perfect, or they wouldn't be exes.

We all end up with someone "good enough". You're good enough OP.

@Bobbotgegrinch makes some great points. No partner is ever perfect, but they have what's important to you. The "type" is just superficial.

Your main problem is that you think in terms of "do they want me, do they love me, do they fancy me, am I good enough" ..... When you should be thinking the opposite.

You seem to be in this unhealthy, insecure, needy mindset in general, but also from your ex..... Who should have been dumped for his behaviour.

I had an older man I dated tell me he liked big "knockers"; which I don't have. He'd point them out on women when drunk, talk about getting me a boob job. h
He expressed appreciation for my figure when I was bathing etc once but generally he let it be known he liked big tits. His ex had had big tits etc. ... his ex who was divorcing him for repeated infidelity, which I only found out during the relationship.

This older man had ED and couldn't fuck. Which made his requirements all the more ironic.

I fucked my ex bf (and boy was it enjoyable after "sex" with a bloke with ED). told him and the relationship ended. That's the sort of treatment someone like that deserves.
And I've met plenty of men who fancy me since.

Your partner hasnt even expressed dissatisfaction, but if he did .. your attitude should be 'why did you get involved then, dickhead? Your exes were that type and that still didn't work out so... ?.Go get what you want then, I'll get someone else sooner or later".

You need a big ol' dose of "I don't give a fuck" ness, instead of your current mindset.

In a similar vein, every week there's a post with women on here whose partners are browsing models on Instagram and FB etc ...... they're upset and insecure.

When my partner brought home lads mags as a 20 something, I subscribed to Playgirl.

If a guy did the SM stuff to me, I'd subscribe to a pile of male fitness models and male strippers and let him see me browsing them.

(Though there is an argument you should just get rid of him full stop).

It's just playing the "women have to be good enough for men, women have to meet men's requirements, pick me, pick me" game ....

And in 2024! We're "allowed" to make our own money now, so why play that game? Why are we supposed to be enough for them and not vice versa? Why aren't they being looked at as to being good enough or hot enough etc.

I would also point out that types are generally nonsense.

People meet people who are their physical type but not compatible personality wise, circumstances wise or in any other way. So they don't get involved or stay involved.

People often have several types or change type etc.

Ultimately lots of people don't end up with their (often physical) type and don't care much about it.

Other things are equally or more important.

Thank you

Your partner hasnt even expressed dissatisfaction, but if he did .. your attitude should be 'why did you get involved then, dickhead? Your exes were that type and that still didn't work out so... ?.Go get what you want then, I'll get someone else sooner or later".

He hasnt, no. And I did get rid of that other bloke. Perhaps not as quickly as I should but I did. And what I've quoted is pretty much what I said to him and what I'd say to anyone who criticised me physically.

The thing is no one is saying anything to me that I don't know myself anyway. But I feel like I've lost all my confidence. Of course I know that no one is perfect and we all make compromises but I feel like being with me is a compromise too far. I'm not comfortable with the level of compromising required.

I know it's stupid but it's how I feel.

If it were me, it's twenty years later so it's a bit bloody late really.

Seriously, he married/got into a relationship with YOU and that's what counts. There's clearly something about you that appeals.

That sounds like an exhausting way to live and you have my empathy on his difficult if must be. From what you have said though, apologies if I missed it, your partner has not stated a preference or feeling that you are not who and what he wants though. Just because he went out with people who looked different does not mean he does not want and find you attractive.

I guess it would very much depend on what and how the previous conversation went. Also how you are feeling is insulting to him as much as you. He wants to be with you. He likes you and chose to be with you. If you were not who he wanted why is he not with someone else?

Have you considered that he doesn't think he's compromising though?

As I mentioned in a previous post, my type is redheads. I've never actually been out with a redhead, and I've never wished any of my partners were redheads. Yes, my ideal beauty standard is a redhead, but I also find women with brown or blonde hair beautiful.

You're imagining him going "Right, someone with a Scottish accent is a 10 out of 10, so mine must be a 0." It doesn't work like that!

Yeah, maybe a Scottish accent is a 10, but he thinks yours is a 9. And in the top trumps that is attractiveness, that's only one of the categories.

Take me. I've got a beer belly, I'm starting to go gray, I've got a fairly unpleasant looking facial scar. Oof, there's a few 5s and 6s, there, maybe even a 2 or 3. But I've got nice eyes, a strong jawline, great forearms (I'm told forearms are a bit of a thing on here). Good good , a few 7s and 8s there. Let's keep going. I make her laugh, I make her feel safe, our chemistry is good in bed. Now we're hitting some 10, actually sod it, they're 20s out of 10, because these are the important things.

So yeah, I lose in some categories, but DP isn't compromising because my total is making up for it. I don't tick all of her boxes, noone possibly could. But I tick enough of them that I win overall.

Your DH loves you. Your DH is happy with you. The only person unhappy with you is you. So stop focussing on the wrong thing and start trying to work out why you don't like yourself. Change what you can or want to and learn to come to terms with the rest. Try and get therapy, but understand you need to focus on your self worth, rather than your worth to you husband, because that's where this is really coming from.