Found out I'm pregnant a week after splitting with partner.

[Itsnot47]

As the title says really.

I was in a toxic, controlling relationship... which I've finally realised can never work, although I still love him.

We split around a week ago, and have been no contact since, he has tried to call on unknown numbers, but I had a feeling it was him and I haven't responded.

I haven't been feeling myself and I've missed my period. Ive found out that I'm pregnant. I'm on the pill, but I have been sick a few times within the last couple of weeks, since we last had sex.

A while ago, I found out I was pregnant and he forced me into having an abortion... well he didn't force me, but he said he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby if I kept it, and that id never see him again. I went through with the termination, and the day after I took the tablets, he ghosted me for a week. It was horrible and one of the worst times of my life, I regretted the decision and it took me a while to recover mentally and physically. Since then, he has mocked me for being attached to a 'bunch of cells' and accused me of overreacting.

I already have two DC from a previous relationship (8&9).

I feel like I want to continue this pregnancy.... but I don't know what route to go down. If I tell him I'm pregnant he'll fly off the handle and speak to me like shit, and I don't want that, so I'm at a loss how to handle this. Could I just cut ties, and do this alone? I have a good family/friends network around me who I know would support me.

Try to take comfort in the knowledge that you are making a good choice to put your own mental health and the health and safety of your current children first. Let this year be the one where you prioritize yourself, getting help, and getting strong.

You can do this! Get help snd start to live your life.

Well done. You’ve absolutely made the right decision for your existing kids.

Exactly this: if you have the baby and he as much gets an inkling that you did then make no mistake he will use that bond to abuse, control and coerce you. You need to think of the existing children you already have. You owe them to feel safe and cared for, not seeing their mum dragged around by an abusive man (emotionally, not physically). The family courts have increasingly been used by abusive parents ex-partners to further exert control over the other parent.

Have some counselling to come to grips with another abortion but I wouldn’t willingly make myself and my current children a slave to an abusive man by having a child with him. Can you reach out to friends and family for support? You sound exhausted and aren’t thinking clear, your post comes across as very emotive and as PP said a week without a toxic ex isn’t really any time at all. I think you’re very vulnerable and I hope you have people in RL who can help you.

That sounds so tough OP - I'm sorry this man has touched your life so badly. It is a testament to your own strength that you survived what he's put you through so far.

After reading the responses, I’ve realised that another termination is probably best.

Another very tough decision but, I think, logically the safer one for you if it means you can start erasing this abusive creature from your life (and, indirectly your existing children's lives, taking into account the toll involvement with him would mean).

If you are able to access some professional 1:1 counselling for yourself I think you may find it quite useful to talk unfettered to someone neutral to help you through this. And, as you've discovered, there are also people on Mumsnet to listen and sympathise. Sending you a handhold my dear. 🌹

@Itsnot47

And maybe talking to the Samaritans can help

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
🌹

I think you are right to seriously consider an abortion. I understand the feeling of thinking you can't go through it but that doesn't mean you can go through having a baby. Both are bad options for you at the moment.

If you are already struggling with MH issues then it seems risky to continue a pregnancy when the 'father' is such an awful person. You said it would be 'fine' if he wanted to be involved but that can't be true. You and the child could face years and years of his shitty abusive behaviour.

Whatever you do I think it might be a good idea to see a counsellor if you can. Your hormones won't be helping and it's a lot to think about in a short period of time.

Imo an abortion would have a far quicker recovery than being tied to your abuser for life.
It's a cluster of cells. Don't overthink it.

Well done for getting away from him!
Block him and keep him blocked.

Thought I’d update you all.

I went through with a termination, and I have been a mess ever since.

Mentally and physically I’ve been at my lowest.

I’ve started to self harm again (something I haven’t done in years) in numerous forms, and contemplated suicide a few times. I have been in a really dark place.

I’m wondering if a termination was the right decision, but what’s done it done.

Ex attempts to contact me now and then, but I haven’t relented.

I've been trying to focus on my children, but it’s been difficult.

You were between a rock and a hard place - neither option was ever going to be easy, please be kinder to yourself over this.

It will get easier, moment by moment, day by day. You've absolutely done the right thing for yourself and your children, even if you don't feel that yet. It was the only way to keep this man out of your life.

No option was going to be easy, but you and your children are free of this man now. How could that be the wrong? Forgive yourself. Your living, breathing children matter. Not tying you all to this man is the best thing you could have done.

@Itsnot47 WELL DONE!!!
Your children will thank you when they are older.

Very wise decision.
I took a morning after pill once as absolutely didn’t want to risk being pregnant ( narcissistic boyfriend)
Never knew if I was pregnant or not - but never regretted it for an instant.
You will heal - do the freedom programme- many women swear by it .
🌼

@Itsnot47 I have asked that my post above ( before your update) be taken down.

He isn’t in their lives.
I Haven’t had any contact with him since, and they barely saw him… there was no days out, or many interactions etc. I usually saw him when they were with their dad.

I wasn’t hoping to get pregnant, I wasn’t even sure I could, as at one point my periods disappeared for 18months.

I just can’t help feeling guilty and responsible for everything.

I feel terrible on my children now more than ever.
I dont want to go anywhere, see anyone, I’m just plodding on through the basics for them, but I just keep having these recurring thoughts that I want to end it all. The crisis team have had to be contacted on several occasions.

I’ve never been like this before, and my children have never seen me like this, until now.

You really need to get some help for how you're feeling OP - your GP might be a good start but other wiser MNers will be able to advise you better than I can. 💐for you.

I have asked my post to be taken down after your update-

Hopefully you can begin to heal now you are free of this awful man.

It’s not a child, at this point.

Access all the help and support you can. Your children need you to be well, and you need to relax and enjoy your life free of this abuser. I take it from the mention of crisis team that you are already doing that. I'm very sorry you are in this position.

You took a very brave decision, and a deeply emotional one - that's courageous.

You did the right thing, you really did. You need to be completely free of that horrible POS, and now you are. Take care xx

At least read the OP's posts before making irrelevant comments!

I’m sure you’ve done the right thing for yourself and your children; it’s bound to be a tough time for you. I hope you can find some support. You will feel much better in time.

Im sorry you’re feeling like this.
i think you did the right thing.
you do not need any reason to keep him in your life.
stay strong, do not let him back in.
ring your gp, get some help for your mental health, don’t let him win