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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out I'm pregnant a week after splitting with partner.

122 replies

Itsnot47 · 25/03/2024 14:52

As the title says really.

I was in a toxic, controlling relationship... which I've finally realised can never work, although I still love him.

We split around a week ago, and have been no contact since, he has tried to call on unknown numbers, but I had a feeling it was him and I haven't responded.

I haven't been feeling myself and I've missed my period. Ive found out that I'm pregnant. I'm on the pill, but I have been sick a few times within the last couple of weeks, since we last had sex.

A while ago, I found out I was pregnant and he forced me into having an abortion... well he didn't force me, but he said he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby if I kept it, and that id never see him again. I went through with the termination, and the day after I took the tablets, he ghosted me for a week. It was horrible and one of the worst times of my life, I regretted the decision and it took me a while to recover mentally and physically. Since then, he has mocked me for being attached to a 'bunch of cells' and accused me of overreacting.

I already have two DC from a previous relationship (8&9).

I feel like I want to continue this pregnancy.... but I don't know what route to go down. If I tell him I'm pregnant he'll fly off the handle and speak to me like shit, and I don't want that, so I'm at a loss how to handle this. Could I just cut ties, and do this alone? I have a good family/friends network around me who I know would support me.

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 25/03/2024 18:08

This Is completely your decision. But think before you tell him.

I have to coparent with an abusive ex. It’s fucking horrendous. There is no limit to how low he will sink.

Your ex might walk away or he might decide he can inflict maximum damage to you via this baby.

Abusers make terrible parents even if they don’t directly abuse the child they indirectly abuse the child if they abuse you in front of the baby. They are selfish individuals who prioritise themselves at all times. Sometimes the kid sees through them and sometimes the kid is constantly trying to win over the abuser and tries to stay safe by joining in the abuse directed towards the other parent.

There is a lot of risk in telling him right now. Down the line once maybe.

Fizzadora · 25/03/2024 18:10

YaWeeFurryBastard · 25/03/2024 18:08

I can’t believe people are suggesting not telling him, absolutely appalling 😳. Yes this man is a clearly a piece of work but this should be about the child, not the man. Could you really look your adult child in the eye and tell them that you denied them a relationship with their father?

Yes

Shiningout · 25/03/2024 18:11

I am Co parenting with a dick head ex who uses our child to control and torment me. I would think very carefuly about continuing this pregnancy. My life has been a misery mostly for years.

HesterPrincess · 25/03/2024 18:21

Honestly, it sounds like you still want him in your life. If you can't cut him out of it for you, do it for the two kids that you've inflicted this awful man onto. They deserve better, and you may end up with social services in your life because of it.

In the nicest way, put the kids you already have first here.

iwafs · 25/03/2024 18:25

It would crush me to do it, but I think under these circs, I would consider an abortion. This would be so that you can be permanently free of this ex, and so that you can prioritise your 8yo and 9yo.

samestyle · 25/03/2024 18:26

He said last time he would walk away so probably likely scenario this time, I would tell him but expect not to see or hear from him.
Being a single mum already, I guess you know how hard it is already, go with what makes you feel more happy. Although it's hard to understand you having kids already why you feel the need to have another that will bring more pressure to you and as a family.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2024 18:31

You are not thinking about what is best for your existing children at all. It is not you having a baby with an abusive nightmare of a man, I assure you. Why would you burden a child with having a father like him?

Ofcourseshecan · 25/03/2024 18:31

YaWeeFurryBastard · 25/03/2024 18:08

I can’t believe people are suggesting not telling him, absolutely appalling 😳. Yes this man is a clearly a piece of work but this should be about the child, not the man. Could you really look your adult child in the eye and tell them that you denied them a relationship with their father?

I would feel worse about letting a deeply abusive, controlling man into any child's life. In what way do you think a man like that would enrich his child's life? He could certainly make it a misery, and sounds like the sort of man who wouldn't care how much he hurt his child as long as it was punishing his ex-partner.

Carrotsandgrapes · 25/03/2024 20:14

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. If it were me, I'd prioritise the wellbeing of my 2 existing children, over this early pregnancy.

If you have this baby, you, and your children, are tied to this abusive man for life. Although he clearly doesn't want a child, my fear would be that he would use the child to hurt you/your family (ie: demanding access/being difficult about access purely to hurt you, not because he wants to see his child.)

But that's just what I think. Only you know what's right for you and your children. 💐

Trulyme · 25/03/2024 20:15

Abortions are not easy things to go through and you have my complete sympathies but have you thought about him getting shared access and having him in your life for the next 18+ years.

Its not going to be difficult for him to work out the dates and then go to court to get a DNA test.

Dery · 25/03/2024 20:37

“I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. If it were me, I'd prioritise the wellbeing of my 2 existing children, over this early pregnancy.

If you have this baby, you, and your children, are tied to this abusive man for life. Although he clearly doesn't want a child, my fear would be that he would use the child to hurt you/your family (ie: demanding access/being difficult about access purely to hurt you, not because he wants to see his child.)

But that's just what I think. Only you know what's right for you and your children. 💐”

This. Don’t romanticise the situation. You have 2 children already who need a stable and emotionally available mum.

twitternotx · 25/03/2024 20:44

Dery · 25/03/2024 20:37

“I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. If it were me, I'd prioritise the wellbeing of my 2 existing children, over this early pregnancy.

If you have this baby, you, and your children, are tied to this abusive man for life. Although he clearly doesn't want a child, my fear would be that he would use the child to hurt you/your family (ie: demanding access/being difficult about access purely to hurt you, not because he wants to see his child.)

But that's just what I think. Only you know what's right for you and your children. 💐”

This. Don’t romanticise the situation. You have 2 children already who need a stable and emotionally available mum.

Edited

Absolutely this.

The best thing by far IMO would be a TOP

The next best thing would be to have the baby and not tell him

You would be stark staring mad to invite this man into you and your childrens' lives for the next 18 years.

twitternotx · 25/03/2024 20:45

if he wants to be involved, then fine.

@Itsnot47 really? It's fine to bring a toxic controlling man into the lives of your existing children? You're prioritising your feelings over theirs.

Sherrycat · 25/03/2024 20:48

I wish you could speak with my eldest child. She hates her dad! He’s been nothing but a pain in the arse her whole life.

I too found out I was pregnant a wk after splitting with him. I terminated the pregnancy as he turned very nasty after the split.

I told my eldest when she was 16 & she agreed I made the right decision because she wouldn’t have wanted her sibling going through what she did.

please think very carefully about this child’s future & what it will look like. I know it’s a really hard decision, but it’s also hard watching your child upset over who their father is.

mitogoshi · 25/03/2024 20:50

You need to put your existing children first. Can you manage another child and their needs as a single parent? Can you afford another child, maternity leave without a partner? Won't he be angry when you claim child support?

Be honest and practical...

terfinthewild · 25/03/2024 20:53

AperolWhore · 25/03/2024 15:34

The fact you want to continue the pregnancy proves you aren’t thinking about the unborn child already. Why would you want that man to co parent your child? He will make yours and the child’s life hell on earth. Do you really want him in your life for the next 20 years?

Put the child first and don’t do this.

Edited

Are you suggesting that the best way to put the child first is to end its life? That is absurd logic. @ op if you can't go through with an abortion then don't. You will find a way to manage somehow with or without his help just don't put up with any shit. Stick to contact over the phone, if he gets abusive cut him off. If he shows up at your door to start a fight call the police. Never let yourself be alone with him if you are worried about your safety. Make a record of all abuse incase you need it in court. It's a hard situation but you can overcome it. Good luck.

JanewaysBun · 25/03/2024 20:57

What's best for your current DC? that's what I would base my decision on. Have they witnessed the abuse already?

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/03/2024 21:00

I'm afraid I wouldn't even see it as an abortion at this point. Isn't it just a matter of taking some tablets? Why on earth would you want to tie yourself to that absolute disgrace? Think of your own children and think how he could terrorise all of you for decades.

Dweetfidilove · 25/03/2024 21:09

Itsnot47 · 25/03/2024 15:30

I don't think I could go through another abortion.

It isn't that I don't want to tell him, I just don't want him to fly off the handle.

if he wants to be involved, then fine.

If he doesn't, and wants nothing to do with me, then again, that's fine. I'm not going to ask him for anything.

Edited

This is a very blasé attitude to the awfully negative impact this man will continue to have on your children.
It’s not for me to encourage you towards an abortion, but by God, do not involve him in any of it.

ScottishShortie · 25/03/2024 21:11

If you want to keep that baby then keep that baby. Just don’t tell him. Tell
him it’s not his if that helps get him away. What an awful situation but if you’ve got good support you’ll be okay, it’s such a tough decision but only you know what to do xx

Livelovebehappy · 25/03/2024 21:22

Reading your posts, I honestly think that you do want him back OP. I think you ending it was an attempt for you to take back some control, but maybe the end game was to take him back, but on your terms? I would say if you really want him out of your life, you have to terminate, but I suspect you will continue with the pregnancy and he will be back in your life. You just have to know though that if you have a child with him, whether you are together or not, he will always be in your life.

NoMoreEventsToday · 25/03/2024 21:25

terfinthewild · 25/03/2024 20:53

Are you suggesting that the best way to put the child first is to end its life? That is absurd logic. @ op if you can't go through with an abortion then don't. You will find a way to manage somehow with or without his help just don't put up with any shit. Stick to contact over the phone, if he gets abusive cut him off. If he shows up at your door to start a fight call the police. Never let yourself be alone with him if you are worried about your safety. Make a record of all abuse incase you need it in court. It's a hard situation but you can overcome it. Good luck.

Show quote history

It's not a child at this point

At best it's potential, at worst it's op being tied to an arsehole forever with a sad child

PurpleBugz · 25/03/2024 21:32

He will probably use the kid to continue to control and abuse you. If you can't face an abortion then that's completely reasonable just know what you risk with continuing. My abusive ex took me to court and got overnights with my breastfeeding baby. It was horrible horrible couple years before he got a new gf and shifted his abuse from me/my kids

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 25/03/2024 21:41

I don't think many regret a baby but I think you'll regret everything else about having this child.

Ultimately this is your choice but I think you need to go with your head not your heart.

ConcernedOfClapham · 25/03/2024 21:43

samestyle · 25/03/2024 18:26

He said last time he would walk away so probably likely scenario this time, I would tell him but expect not to see or hear from him.
Being a single mum already, I guess you know how hard it is already, go with what makes you feel more happy. Although it's hard to understand you having kids already why you feel the need to have another that will bring more pressure to you and as a family.

No, my feeling is quite the opposite; his threatening to ‘walk away’ last time was not because he didn’t want a kid, it was his way of controlling OP. In this instance, control will come as a result of being involved - as is (unfortunately) his right as the father, if he is aware of the situation.

I would urge OP to think very carefully about this, and particularly take note of those posters who say they have to co-parent with controlling, abusive exes.

Whatever decision you go with I do hope it works out for you, OP, but you (and your children) deserve so much better than this nasty individual.