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Original poster

Found out I'm pregnant a week after splitting with partner.

122 replies

Itsnot47 · 25/03/2024 14:52

As the title says really.

I was in a toxic, controlling relationship... which I've finally realised can never work, although I still love him.

We split around a week ago, and have been no contact since, he has tried to call on unknown numbers, but I had a feeling it was him and I haven't responded.

I haven't been feeling myself and I've missed my period. Ive found out that I'm pregnant. I'm on the pill, but I have been sick a few times within the last couple of weeks, since we last had sex.

A while ago, I found out I was pregnant and he forced me into having an abortion... well he didn't force me, but he said he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby if I kept it, and that id never see him again. I went through with the termination, and the day after I took the tablets, he ghosted me for a week. It was horrible and one of the worst times of my life, I regretted the decision and it took me a while to recover mentally and physically. Since then, he has mocked me for being attached to a 'bunch of cells' and accused me of overreacting.

I already have two DC from a previous relationship (8&9).

I feel like I want to continue this pregnancy.... but I don't know what route to go down. If I tell him I'm pregnant he'll fly off the handle and speak to me like shit, and I don't want that, so I'm at a loss how to handle this. Could I just cut ties, and do this alone? I have a good family/friends network around me who I know would support me.

OP posts:
waftabout · 25/03/2024 21:58

I think I'd only go ahead with the pregnancy if there was no chance of him finding out and I could raise the child on my own.

So if you live in different towns, don't have mutual friends etc then fine but otherwise, you're keeping this piece of shit in your life for years and years.

I wouldn't risk it.

Original poster
Itsnot47 · 25/03/2024 22:05

My children don’t really know him.
we don’t live together, he has never been actively involved in my kids lives or been around when they’re here. He’s seen them in passing, but that’s it. The know of him, but not enough where they’ve witnessed anything, or seen anything. He comes around when my children are already asleep, upstairs, or I go to his when they’re staying with their dad. They aren’t aware of anything, because I don’t say anything or act differently in front of them.

He also has a young child from a previous relationship.

I don’t want him back. I’m not pining over him, or desperate to get back together. This has been a long time coming, and there’s no going back this time. I’m a shadow of my former self because of him.

OP posts:
LiveLaughCryalot · 25/03/2024 23:34

I wouldn't want to saddle a poor child with a father like that. How will you continue to keep him away from the 8 & 9 year old? Just have him visit the baby once they are in bed? He will want to visit by the way, he won't pass on an opportunity to abuse you. Think of the shitstorm you would be inviting into yours and more importantly, your children's lives if you continue with this pregnancy.
If there was a very good chance he would never find out then it may be possible but the fact that you have said he can be as involved as he wants tells me you are thinking of you and him, not your kids. When making your decision, put them at the forefront. You need to stay away from this man. A pregnancy will achieve the exact opposite.

Zippedydoodahday · 25/03/2024 23:35

Is he involved with his other child? What's that relationship like? That might inform how he'll be with this baby. And how does he treat the mother?

boysgrove · 25/03/2024 23:42

Itsnot47 · 25/03/2024 14:52

As the title says really.

I was in a toxic, controlling relationship... which I've finally realised can never work, although I still love him.

We split around a week ago, and have been no contact since, he has tried to call on unknown numbers, but I had a feeling it was him and I haven't responded.

I haven't been feeling myself and I've missed my period. Ive found out that I'm pregnant. I'm on the pill, but I have been sick a few times within the last couple of weeks, since we last had sex.

A while ago, I found out I was pregnant and he forced me into having an abortion... well he didn't force me, but he said he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby if I kept it, and that id never see him again. I went through with the termination, and the day after I took the tablets, he ghosted me for a week. It was horrible and one of the worst times of my life, I regretted the decision and it took me a while to recover mentally and physically. Since then, he has mocked me for being attached to a 'bunch of cells' and accused me of overreacting.

I already have two DC from a previous relationship (8&9).

I feel like I want to continue this pregnancy.... but I don't know what route to go down. If I tell him I'm pregnant he'll fly off the handle and speak to me like shit, and I don't want that, so I'm at a loss how to handle this. Could I just cut ties, and do this alone? I have a good family/friends network around me who I know would support me.

Scary really. Why would you want to continue? That's possibly your feelings because of the trauma you went through when you terminated. You already have 2 children to think of.

IN MY OPINION which absolutely counts for nothing, you'd be extremely silly to continue. Cut your losses and focus on being a mum to the children you already have

boysgrove · 25/03/2024 23:43

LiveLaughCryalot · 25/03/2024 23:34

I wouldn't want to saddle a poor child with a father like that. How will you continue to keep him away from the 8 & 9 year old? Just have him visit the baby once they are in bed? He will want to visit by the way, he won't pass on an opportunity to abuse you. Think of the shitstorm you would be inviting into yours and more importantly, your children's lives if you continue with this pregnancy.
If there was a very good chance he would never find out then it may be possible but the fact that you have said he can be as involved as he wants tells me you are thinking of you and him, not your kids. When making your decision, put them at the forefront. You need to stay away from this man. A pregnancy will achieve the exact opposite.

Bang on

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2024 23:53

They aren’t aware of anything, because I don’t say anything or act differently in front of them.

I’m a shadow of my former self because of him.

Please, stop lying to yourself. Your relationship with this man has massively affected your children's lives, whether they have spent time with him or not. Like it or not, everything that damages you impacts your kids.

0sm0nthus · 26/03/2024 00:00

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation OP😥🙏

ABitBright · 26/03/2024 00:01

So what happens if he does want to be involved if you go through with the pregnancy. You might have to allow him 50/50. How does that sound? I think it's a massive mistake to have a child when you know the father is controlling and toxic. You can't do that to a child.

pikkumyy77 · 26/03/2024 02:28

Of course he affects your children. You have to sneak around. He abuses you. You don’t know which end is up.

If you want another baby you can get one fairly easily with a one night stand. Why have one that will tie you to this horrible man for 28 years?

WandaWonder · 26/03/2024 02:45

Have you thought about how on earth all this affects your other children?

Maybe think more about them

PoppingTomorrow · 26/03/2024 02:54

They aren’t aware of anything, because I don’t say anything or act differently in front of them.

"I’m a shadow of my former self because of him."

Please don't kid yourself.

Rubyrubyrubyruby123 · 26/03/2024 03:16

Put your existing children first. Why would you bring another baby into this shit show? It’s selfish.

HollyKnight · 26/03/2024 03:30

You need to think about what's best for your current children and the unborn one. Not just what you want. This baby will tie you to this man forever. And if that happens, it's going to affect all of those children because you will have very little control if he uses his parental rights to fuck you around. Where you live, where and when you holiday, schools for the baby etc he can cause you issues with.

One of the most important things a mother can do for her children is give them a good father. This man is not what your baby deserves.

CoddlingMolly · 26/03/2024 04:25

I'm guessing you were expecting to read lots of replies saying to go for it alone and if you have good friends around you you can do anything...
I'm glad times are changing and we are urging women to think more about what their choices actually mean beyond "empowerment".
Nothing about this is a good idea and iflt sounds a little like you are using pregnancies to try and spark his caring. He is never going to care. He's a prick.

Nat6999 · 26/03/2024 04:34

Don't tell him you are pregnant, it just gives him another way to abuse you. If you can afford to raise the baby without any contribution from him, go ahead. I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate & if you have any more problems with him, ring the police.

earntodiessaz · 26/03/2024 04:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Quitelikeit · 26/03/2024 04:39

how did you get pregnant accidentally twice?

id say you’ve got what you wanted and you are ready to gloat to this man that you are pregnant and having this baby

however the joke is on you as you are clearly not thinking about the future and seem keen to risk many things on having this man’s baby. Financials, future abuse, things he might do to you and your child, court etc

sacrificing future relationships because you have three kids inc a baby

why not find a better man and have a family that way?

SunflowerTed · 26/03/2024 04:43

AperolWhore · 25/03/2024 15:34

The fact you want to continue the pregnancy proves you aren’t thinking about the unborn child already. Why would you want that man to co parent your child? He will make yours and the child’s life hell on earth. Do you really want him in your life for the next 20 years?

Put the child first and don’t do this.

Edited

this in spades. Why would you want to lumber your current children and another with a toxic father? Make a sensible decision and terminate and get this person out of your life

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 26/03/2024 04:53

@AperolWhore your post about op not thinking about child is dreadful.

Best of luck op.

Get support from your friends and family, not strangers on the net x

Donotgogentle · 26/03/2024 05:15

Itsnot47 · 25/03/2024 22:05

My children don’t really know him.
we don’t live together, he has never been actively involved in my kids lives or been around when they’re here. He’s seen them in passing, but that’s it. The know of him, but not enough where they’ve witnessed anything, or seen anything. He comes around when my children are already asleep, upstairs, or I go to his when they’re staying with their dad. They aren’t aware of anything, because I don’t say anything or act differently in front of them.

He also has a young child from a previous relationship.

I don’t want him back. I’m not pining over him, or desperate to get back together. This has been a long time coming, and there’s no going back this time. I’m a shadow of my former self because of him.

And yet you still love him, despite him turning you into a shadow of your former self. Why is that? It sounds more like dependency than real love.

I agree with pp that on some level you hope having his baby will redeem your relationship in some way, give you back some of the power he has taken from you.

I would listen carefully to the pp telling you how difficult it is to co-parent with an abusive ex. And how contact will be used to control you for many years to come.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/03/2024 06:20

If you have this baby, you risk the welfare, happiness and stability of your current children. You also risk the same of the baby. He may decide at some future date he wants access or maybe even 50/50. It will be all about control.

You say you still love him. I would imagine you’re still not thinking straight/ Anyone, who was truly grounded and happy would no longer love a man, who had treated them so appallingly.

It is highly likely that your dcs are already aware of how vile this man is. If they’re not, having the baby will be a guaranteed way of them finding out.

This isn’t about what you want. It’s about what your family needs. They need stability and this man extracted permanently from their lives. Please do not saddle another child with a man like this as a parent.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 26/03/2024 06:25

waftabout · 25/03/2024 21:58

I think I'd only go ahead with the pregnancy if there was no chance of him finding out and I could raise the child on my own.

So if you live in different towns, don't have mutual friends etc then fine but otherwise, you're keeping this piece of shit in your life for years and years.

I wouldn't risk it.

This. Controlling abusive men dont get better when a child is involved. They get worse. He will use the child to punish you forever.

you talk about having the child amd him being involved. He will make your life miserable.

PrinceLouisWeirdFinger · 26/03/2024 06:26

In spite of your denials it sounds like you still do want him, and on some level you think that by not having and abortion you will get back together and he’ll be a changed man and you’ll have a lovely little blended family together. In reality, you’re going to blow up your life for the next 18 years because you’ll continue to fight and be controlled by him, but now your children as well as his will be affected. It’s no way to bring up kids. Protect the ones you do have.

MFF2010 · 26/03/2024 06:27

Keep the baby if you want to but don't tell him ever 💐

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