Found out I'm pregnant a week after splitting with partner.

[Itsnot47]

As the title says really.

I was in a toxic, controlling relationship... which I've finally realised can never work, although I still love him.

We split around a week ago, and have been no contact since, he has tried to call on unknown numbers, but I had a feeling it was him and I haven't responded.

I haven't been feeling myself and I've missed my period. Ive found out that I'm pregnant. I'm on the pill, but I have been sick a few times within the last couple of weeks, since we last had sex.

A while ago, I found out I was pregnant and he forced me into having an abortion... well he didn't force me, but he said he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby if I kept it, and that id never see him again. I went through with the termination, and the day after I took the tablets, he ghosted me for a week. It was horrible and one of the worst times of my life, I regretted the decision and it took me a while to recover mentally and physically. Since then, he has mocked me for being attached to a 'bunch of cells' and accused me of overreacting.

I already have two DC from a previous relationship (8&9).

I feel like I want to continue this pregnancy.... but I don't know what route to go down. If I tell him I'm pregnant he'll fly off the handle and speak to me like shit, and I don't want that, so I'm at a loss how to handle this. Could I just cut ties, and do this alone? I have a good family/friends network around me who I know would support me.

To be brutally honest I'd abort
You don't need an abuser in your life or let your child have an abusive father .

The most sensible thing of course would be to not go ahead with the pregnancy. You can cut ties with his man forever then and focus on yourself and your DC. Your DC will have been affected if you have been a shadow of your former self. DC are happy if mum is happy…

I don’t think it would be “fine” at all if he was involved with this child. I don’t think having this baby will bring him back to you and make him behave better unfortunately, which I think deep down may be your hope.

sorry you have to deal with such a difficult situation .

There’s no way I’d risk saddling my existing children with a man like this. Even if I was desperate for another child I wouldn’t take the risk in this situation. In fact, I did terminate for precisely this reason years ago and never regretted it.

If he's abusive he will use this baby to continue to abuse you for the next 18 years. The impact will be felt by your current children too.
This man will bring nothing but pain and torment to your life. Just look at the posts from other women who are co parents with abusive men to see how cruel and vindictive they can be. They have no qualms in using the child to continue their abuse and don't give 2 shits how damaging it will be to the child

Oh @Itsnot47 what a difficult position you are in

As a survivor of a horribly abusive relationship I still live with the mental scars it left. I am a changed person to the one I was before - I was a shadow, but I have grown stronger. I'm more than 20 years post that relationship and I'm still so thankful that I am not tied to that man because of a child. I am free of him.

Please think: he would continue his abuse through your child and possibly to your child. You all, including your older children, would be affected.

At the same time I understand how attached you instantly are in pregnancy and that it is not an easy decision for you. I wish you luck

How involved is he with his previous child? What sort of dad is he? How does he treat the mother?
It sounds as if you really don't want another abortion though. I'm not sure I'd be able to just not tell him but you obviously know him and I don't.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Personally I would involve him. I'm raising my dd completely alone.

Hes unlikely to financially support you , so I would just go ahead and protect myself.

Why on earth would you chose to be connected to a toxic abusive man for the rest of your life and have a child who will have this awful person as a father?

Prioritise your existing children and have an abortion. There is no upside for them in you choosing to continue with this pregnancy. This is the only way you can properly extricate yourself from the situation. If you don’t then you are selfishly putting yourself first.

If you have the baby, he almost certainly will find out and you can fully expect a lifetime of abuse from him (and without you being able to get rid of him).

It's quite worrying the effects you say he's already had on you - this will continue while he's in your life and he WILL be in your life if you have a baby.

I'm not advocating abortion here - just pointing out the very long-term situation you'll be in.

The termination was around a year ago, and happened due to the condom splitting, and the morning after pill failing. This was before I went on the pill.

I self harmed and considered suicide. Mentally it really affected me. I suffer from mental health issues and an eating disorder as it is. That just escalated matters and things were dark for me for a while.

After reading the responses, I’ve realised that another termination is probably best.

Thanks for your advice

Think of your existing children. Why would you want this man in their life for the next 18+ years? Who knows what they have already witnessed with you bringing this man into their lives in the first place?

Good for you, @Itsnot47. It sounds like you are recovering well and have put your kids first by keeping this awful man away from them.

its a hard decision to terminate, but wise decisions are often hard.

So sorry to read this op.

Wishing you all the best, OP. I think you have reached the best decision.

This

if you do go ahead I definitely wouldn’t tell him until after you have registered the birth, in your name and without his name on the bc.

he can use this situation to demand to see you and baby all the time and threaten you with 50/50 (there are so many threads about this).

I don’t think it’s fair on a child to never tell the dad about their existence unless it would place them in danger.

it’s very very hard bringing up a baby alone have you got a good support network?

What do you see your future as if you continue with the pregnancy OP? How do you think it will play out? Is there a part of you that thinks he will change and become a decent human? Is there a small part of you that wants to keep a connection with him? You only separated a week ago and you say you still love him, I think this makes you and therefore your children, very vulnerable. An abusive man will take advantage of these vulnerabilities.
Concentrate on healing yourself and your children, it sounds like you have all lived under the cloud of this man.

There is absolutely no way I’d have a child with a toxic, controlling man. Not only will your life be in his hands forever, your child’s well-being and happiness will be controlled by him. He will be the puppet master over all of you. No fucking way.

Hard to say it but I'd be worried a baby with someone as horrible as that as their father would turn out similar. If you keep the baby you'll never be free of him.

In the nicest possible way, you need to be putting the welfare of your two children first. Don't put them through any further trauma by allowing your abusive ex boyfriend to continue his involvement in your lives. Cut ties with him permanently. You don't want to have any further contact with this abusive controlling man. If you want to keep your pregnancy then do so in the knowledge you will be a single parent to three children. Are you better off terminating and putting your two existing children first.

Op, do you have any support for your mental health? If not can you access some? There are low-cost counselling services available without the nhs waiting lists, and pregnancy advice services too.

I understand that the previous termination had a deep impact on you, but your situation is very different now. If you decide to do it again, it will be in your terms. It won't be something you are being coerced into but something you will have considered and taken control of your life. Added to that the strength you can gain from being away from that man - again, taking control of your life.
It sounds like there is a big part of your thoughts to keep the pregnancy that are about avoiding the impact of the previous termination, rather than the consideration of what having this baby will entail. Please separate these strands - as I said above it doesn't necessarily follow that it will have the same impact. It could even be empowering. And you know that it is possible to recover from to an extent, but the other side is how can you truly leave this man behind if you have his baby.

Please talk to someone if you can, take time to consider your options so you can find some clarity of thinking around this.
I am so sorry you are in this difficult situation and sending you all best wishes and strength to get through it.

I'm sorry to hear about your mental health struggles but ultimately the fact of the matter is your mental health is not going to be improved by trying to co parent a child with an abusive man.

Sorry to say it. But please don’t give any child this ‘gift’ of a father. He will use the child to control and torment you no matter what he says now. It’s what they do. He won’t just walk away knowing there’s a child out there with his dna who he could be using to manipulate someone. Even if he never sees the child, he will still make your life hell by making and breaking promises to see them, by lurking in the background and trying to control which nursery they attend or where you move to. By paying or not paying child support and then thinking that gives him rights to access. By insisting he wants 50/50 or will make sure you’re known as an unfit parent so he can have full parental access, even though he doesn’t want it and will never go through with it. If the poor child does end up going to stay with him he’ll poison them against you, will use them to controk you, to find out things about you, and where you’re going when the child is with him. And while your other children are with their dad he’ll make sure you don’t get a minutes peace to enjoy your downtime. This disruption won’t end in 18 years, it will be forever, he’ll be there at their graduation, their wedding, every family event and grandchildren’s birthday, he’ll literally ruin the rest of your life. And more importantly that of your child. As sad as it sounds, at this stage it IS just a clump of cells. If you want another child and can go it alone then consider donor sperm. But please don’t saddle your family with this prick forever.

Absolutely this, put the children you currently have first.

Sorry OP you’ve obviously been through the mill but yes termination would be best all round.

I hope you find peace with this- you are not a bad person, you deserve to be happy