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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just wanted to ask your opinion about close friend's behaviour last night

35 replies

Carla · 28/12/2004 11:17

She'd asked me, dh and dds round, and as my sister's up from London, them and their dd (14) and ds (8). Basically, we had a lovely time at first - brought them Lobster Thermidor, Champagne etc and everything was great. Then, she ran downstairs nearly in tears, saying my lot had trashed the place.

TBH, I never let her child upstairs in our house, because she does just that. She then said to my sister 'Carla never lets them upstairs in her house'. So I wondered why she did. I do honestly believe my children when they say it was like that when they arrived. And I feel very hurt. What do you think? Her reaction soured the whole evening.

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StuffTheMagicTurkey · 28/12/2004 11:21

Ok, my thoughts are:

The children may well have done little/nothing.

She hadn't tidied upstairs and realised that unless she blamed it on the children, you'd all find out how untidy she was.

StuffTheMagicTurkey · 28/12/2004 11:23

It doesn't matter if someone is untidy, but if she's a bit anal (sorry!) about it, it may bother her a lot. Bit naughty to blame the children if they hadn't done anything if that's what she did.

brusselbeansprouts · 28/12/2004 11:24

Sounds difficult as my hunch is that she over-reacted, quite poss as a result of xmas related stress? My view when kids come over here is that hey, they are likely to make some sort of a mess and it is up to me to manage it a bit. When people react like that I always assume it is not about one thing. Had v similar at the in-laws yesterday....
Hope it's all squared soon.

Caligulights · 28/12/2004 11:25

She sounds like an hysteric.

Kids do trash places. That's what they do.

When I invite children to my house, I'm resigned to the fact that the place will look like a bombsite afterwards. If I don't want the place to look like a bombsite, I either don't invite the kids, or I throw them outside in the garden weather permitting, or I find them something to do like watching a video, which is a low level mess risk.

Your friend did none of these, and is now annoyed that she handled kids in her house less competently than you normally do. I don't really know what advice to give, apart from, I hope she gets over it! Happy rest of Christmas, Carla.

lockets · 28/12/2004 11:25

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SantaQuated · 28/12/2004 11:26

did you sort it out or ddi you leave on a sour note?

Original poster

Carla · 28/12/2004 11:26

They just have the one child, and TBH you can't move in any of the rooms anyway for all the toys she has.

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lockets · 28/12/2004 11:27

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Original poster

Carla · 28/12/2004 11:28

I don't know what her interpretation was. I said to dds 'get your shoes on now, we're leaving'. She may have interpreted that as an admission of guilt, but TBH I just couldn't get away quick enough.

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Original poster

Carla · 28/12/2004 11:29

Given how much that child has, like my sister said, she can't possibly be precious about them. I just feel when children have SO much stuff they can't possibly know how to value them.

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coppertop · 28/12/2004 11:30

Sounds to me as though she was already stressed out about something else and unfortunately took it out on you and your family.

lockets · 28/12/2004 11:31

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WideWebWitch · 28/12/2004 11:37

Agree with Caligulalights, it's a fact of life in my book that if you have children round they will make a mess. (Says the woman who invited 2 of ds's friends over today and then promptly sent them off to play football in the park with dp! But they were very boisterous, as boys who have been cooped up for days will be and they need a run). She should get over it IMO.

Original poster

Carla · 28/12/2004 11:39

To top it all, we've been invited by a couple that she introduced us to 'to drink to the health of X and X, who married on 20 November 2004. Please, no presents or cards, just your good wishes'. And I honestly don't feel like going, just because she'll be there. Am I being completely OTT? I said to dh at least it's not 'till 16 January, so we have a week to decide. He said that as we'd had the invitation for a week, we should reply now. What's the MN concencus?

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Original poster

Carla · 28/12/2004 11:40

www, I don't think she will. That's what hurts so much.

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lockets · 28/12/2004 11:41

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WideWebWitch · 28/12/2004 11:41

Why don't you call her and say something like 'listen, I think you were upset yesterday and I'd like to sort it out, can we talk about it?' and see what she says? Get her version of events first though! and then decide based on whether you sort it out or not.

LIZS · 28/12/2004 11:43

How old is her child ? Kids make mess and it must have been pretty obvious that they had gone upstairs so if she didn't want them to she should have stepped in sooner. Perhaps she was just stressed out - had spent the day tidying up the post Christmas debris and preparing, only to then feel she'd have to do it all over again - although the comments do sound a bit snide.

Original poster

Carla · 28/12/2004 11:45

www, I already know what her version of events was. And I can stick my face up my A*SE but still believe my children. Sis says 'phoning her would be an admission of guilt. Sad thing is, I don't have many RL mums to chat to. Think I've lost her.

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lockets · 28/12/2004 11:46

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noddyholder · 28/12/2004 11:53

my god neurotic and not very christmassy IMO!!She should have made it clear there was no playing upstairs from the off and it does sound like there were quite a few of you so Xmas+kids+toys+fun=MESS

Original poster

Carla · 28/12/2004 11:54

She'll be 5 in February. And I'd like to think that my sister, who used to be a PS teacher, is much better at coping with situations like this than I am. She reminded me that when my friend's dd came round in August to give dd1 her birthday card/present, she couldn't open it herself. Sis told her this, gently, and she cried for the following hour. Mum rubbed her back for the following hour. OOOOOOOH I never warmed to the child ... but now the Mum?

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Original poster

Carla · 28/12/2004 12:00

Would you ring?

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noddyholder · 28/12/2004 12:04

I would give it a day or two as she may see sense and ring you.If she can lose a friend over this it seems odd to me I think she'll realise she's been silly and get in touch

Original poster

Carla · 28/12/2004 12:11

Thanks, nh. Good advice and I'll take it on board

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