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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Messages on his phone

85 replies

SunflowerRose1990 · 23/03/2024 13:00

I’ve been with my husband for an over ten years. I wouldn’t say that we are happy but we’re also not unhappy. Everything is just ok. I do a lot with my mum and he does a lot outside the house playing golf and seeing friends. We always have our dinner together but don’t always sit together in the evening but we do go to family occasions together etc. Anyway, a few years ago, shortly after we were married we were trying for a baby and sadly it ended in a miscarriage. After that, about 2 months later we just stopped having sex altogether. It’s never been a massive part of our relationship, we could go weeks without having sex and it wasn’t particularly passionate. Anyway, I’ve just turned 34 and I’m looking around seeing everyone around me is pregnant or has a baby so I told him I wanted to try for a baby. He didn’t seem super excited about it but I assumed this was because he was signed off work with stress. We both weren’t really sure if it was something that could happen for us. We slept together for the first time in nearly 3 years a few times and I became pregnant. He’s signed off work again for the same reasons and I noticed his mood seemed really low and I’d heard him crying at night. I looked at his phone and I saw all these messages between him and this girl he used to work with. It seems like they’ve been in a relationship for about 3 years and she has just found out I’m pregnant. He says he felt he had to sleep with me and he thought I wouldn’t get pregnant. It seems that she ended things around the time I broached the conversation about having a baby. He’s told her how much he loves her and that they are soulmates. More recently, he is messaging her constantly asking about other men she is working with or asking if she is seeing anyone else. It seems he’s chosen me so why can’t he stop messaging her?

OP posts:

theworldie · 23/03/2024 14:01

Gosh.

I think the question you should be asking yourself is why haven’t you kicked his lying, cheating arse out on the street?

I mean. Your relationship is dead in the water. He has been having a three year affair. Your sex life is shit and he admits he “felt he had to sleep with you”. He grumps and mopes about and you don’t really do anything together. Now you’ve discovered the affair he’s told you he loves her and is still messaging her and crying over the fact she’s dumped him. He sounds like he’s obsessed with her.

Why on earth would you put up with this? It sounds like he’d be off with her like a shot if she’d have him.

Don’t you want better for yourself? How far gone is the pregnancy?

OhGoodItsRainingAgain · 23/03/2024 14:06

Life is too short to settle for shit like this. You deserve much better.

Obeast · 23/03/2024 14:22

Just plan how you'll both co-parent, the marriage is a joke and has been long dead, formalise it and move on in life.

Mrsttcno1 · 23/03/2024 14:22

You’ve got the answer to your question right there OP. He can’t stop messaging her because he loves her, feels they are soulmates, and he’s been with her for 3 years now. I don’t think he really has “chose” you, he just feels stuck because now you’re pregnant. Only you can decide if you want a “relationship” like that for yourself.

Fannyfiggs · 23/03/2024 14:28

He hasn't chosen you I'm afraid. The OW has finished the affair. He won't stop messaging her because he wants to be with her.

Ask him to leave and start the divorce process. You are worth more than what your H can or will give you 💐

Redruby2020 · 23/03/2024 14:34

Op you are only 34! Life is too short.

Scrollbreadroll · 23/03/2024 14:35

@SunflowerRose1990 he hasn’t chosen you unfortunately. He will feel trapped into staying with you now because of the baby. It’s clear he had already checked out of the relationship, and never intended on starting a family with you. Whether you stay with him now is up to you but don’t lie to yourself that he wants to be there. I would say in this scenario you would be much better co-parents than partners. Why would you want to be with someone who has checked out and has been having a secret relationship behind your back for years? If you try and force this relationship to continue I foresee more heartbreak on the horizon. Sometimes clinging on does much more damage than letting go x

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 23/03/2024 14:43

Jesus people, you don't need to push the 'he hasn't chosen you' talk about kicking someone when they're down! He didn't split from her before the OW dumped him did he? And he's chatting shit to the OW about forcing himself to sleep with her, apparently wasn't that difficult as he got it up and came didn't he?

OP it doesn't matter if he has chosen you or not, he's a liar and a cheat and you deserve better. Instigate the split, get yourself sorted and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy knowing that you've taken control and rid yourself of this arsehole.
Life is too short to waste another minute of yours with someone so unworthy.

Kimmeridge · 23/03/2024 14:51

Jesus people, you don't need to push the 'he hasn't chosen you' talk about kicking someone when they're down

It's not that it's pointing out what she doesn't see. He didn't pick her. The OW ended their affair. If she'd asked the OPs husband to leave it sounds like he would.

If he'd 'chosen' her he'd be making more effort. He's clearly checked out of their marriage. The OW dumped him but he's still messaging her & declaring his love to her. It sounds that given the chance he'd be off to the OW

OP you & your baby deserve better. He's cheated once & by the sounds of it would do again. Kick him out & concentrate on your baby. You're worth more.

Mrsttcno1 · 23/03/2024 14:57

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 23/03/2024 14:43

People are saying that because the OP point blank asked why he can’t stop messaging her, and that’s the answer. He doesn’t want to stop messaging her because he has feelings for her, he loves her, he wants her- OP has seen the texts to prove that herself. It doesn’t help anybody to pussyfoot around it.

It sounds like they essentially WERE split but just living together anyway, not spending evenings together, both filling their free time with separate plans, no sex for 3 years…then OP asks for a baby and so they have sex. All of that suggests actually it’s very true that he felt he had to sleep with OP when she asked for a baby because the reality is that if he actively wanted to have sex with OP then he would have acted on that in the 3 years beforehand.

I do agree it’s time to call it a day and just figure out how to coparent.

MadamVastra · 23/03/2024 14:59

you both sound as crazy as each other

Shiningout · 23/03/2024 15:01

It would be so much better to split now and Co. Parent than to try and drag this dead relationship on, especially for your child.

SamW98 · 23/03/2024 15:01

I can only echo with the PP’s are saying. Your marriage is over OP. He’s hasn’t chosen you, he chose her but she’s ended it because you’re pregnant.

Hes had a 3 year affair and your sex life has been dead!

Cut your losses and agree to be co parents. This isn’t a life for any of you.

BranchGold · 23/03/2024 15:08

Oh op, you really need to leave this deceptive waste of space. He’s off work with stress multiple times, he’s been cheating for 3 years, you have no sex life. He really is no prize.

Focus on you and your new baby.

PotatoPudding · 23/03/2024 15:13

He hasn’t chosen you. He’s chosen your child.

He will love the child and his OW but not you. For your child’s sake, leave now.

SantaBarbaraMonica · 23/03/2024 15:16

Nothing good will come from staying with him. I hope you find the strength and self worth to get rid of him.

W0tnow · 23/03/2024 15:24

He’s behaved badly, but you don’t really love each other do you? You want a baby. I mean, I get it, but that’s an accurate summation, right?

Epidote · 23/03/2024 15:59

OP with all my respect. If with he doing what is doing you think he is choosing you, you need to give it a new thought.
She ended the affair with him, I would ende the relationship with him if I here you.

You deserve much better.

Original poster

SunflowerRose1990 · 23/03/2024 16:09

From what I read she kind of ended things and he let her but he’s still been messaging her. He kind of ended things with her again in January when I told him I was pregnant but theyve still been talking. They talk about going to this dreamworld every night where they can be together. Looks like they message each other pretty much all day and night.

I’m also not sure how people think the marriage is over. We still get on and go to family stuff together. But then I suppose we haven’t had sex since November but like I said that hasn’t been a big part of our relationship.

OP posts:

Obeast · 23/03/2024 16:16

'They talk about going to this dreamworld every night where they can be together. Looks like they message each other pretty much all day and night'

'I’m also not sure how people think the marriage is over'

...I mean..did you read what you wrote? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Hoosemover · 23/03/2024 16:18

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Your husband has check out of your marriage.
Time to start treating him as a sperm donor who pays child maintenance.

SamW98 · 23/03/2024 16:29

I’m also not sure how people think the marriage is over.

Are you serious? Sorry OP but you’re in denial here. You are pregnant by a man who you don’t have sex with, who is having an ongoing relationship with a woman he’d rather be with than you and who he isn’t giving up despite your pregnancy.

This marriage is dead in everything but name. Please read what you’ve written

NotQuiteNorma · 23/03/2024 16:31

You sound quite delusional. You're not sure how people think the marriage is over? Erm... because he's been having sex with someone else the last 3 years??

" It seems he’s chosen me so why can’t he stop messaging her?"

He hasn't chosen you, that's the problem. He's only with you because he feels trapped. It's not you he loves, it's her. That's why he won't stop messaging her.

Good luck raising a child in this farce.

Littlebitpsycho · 23/03/2024 16:34

@SunflowerRose1990 I suppose it depends what you want out of your marriage.

What does a normal marriage look like to you?

Do you care that he doesn't love you? Do you care that he wants someone else? Do you care that if the OW says jump, he will ask how high? Are you happy in a sexless marriage?

It clearly bothers you that he still messages her, and he isn't going to stop. Because he doesn't love you.

If none of the rest bothers you, you might limp on for another few years. Eventually he WILL leave, whether for this woman or someone else. Isn't it better to do it now, before you hate and resent each other, and focus on co-parenting amicably for the sake of this baby?

Ladyprehensile · 23/03/2024 16:41

Stop wasting any more emotional energy on him.
Don’t waste any more time trying to negotiate around this mess.
He wants her, not you.

As others have said, he’s trapped now but clearly his heart isn’t in it. He’s just going through the motions.

Think of him as a sperm donor and kick him out. Life is too short.

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