Messages on his phone

[SunflowerRose1990]

I’ve been with my husband for an over ten years. I wouldn’t say that we are happy but we’re also not unhappy. Everything is just ok. I do a lot with my mum and he does a lot outside the house playing golf and seeing friends. We always have our dinner together but don’t always sit together in the evening but we do go to family occasions together etc. Anyway, a few years ago, shortly after we were married we were trying for a baby and sadly it ended in a miscarriage. After that, about 2 months later we just stopped having sex altogether. It’s never been a massive part of our relationship, we could go weeks without having sex and it wasn’t particularly passionate. Anyway, I’ve just turned 34 and I’m looking around seeing everyone around me is pregnant or has a baby so I told him I wanted to try for a baby. He didn’t seem super excited about it but I assumed this was because he was signed off work with stress. We both weren’t really sure if it was something that could happen for us. We slept together for the first time in nearly 3 years a few times and I became pregnant. He’s signed off work again for the same reasons and I noticed his mood seemed really low and I’d heard him crying at night. I looked at his phone and I saw all these messages between him and this girl he used to work with. It seems like they’ve been in a relationship for about 3 years and she has just found out I’m pregnant. He says he felt he had to sleep with me and he thought I wouldn’t get pregnant. It seems that she ended things around the time I broached the conversation about having a baby. He’s told her how much he loves her and that they are soulmates. More recently, he is messaging her constantly asking about other men she is working with or asking if she is seeing anyone else. It seems he’s chosen me so why can’t he stop messaging her?

Explains why you never had sex for 3 years .. he was getting it else where? Did you never get suspicious in this time that he was having an affair? I’m really sorry for your situation but it seems he wants to be with the OW. I don’t think they’re any coming back from this and I think he will leave eventually 😔 what a prick he is!

When you say it seems like he chose you why is he still messaging her your make it sound like you got the prize ffs wake up omfg is this real

No sex for three years and he's shagging someone else?

You do realise you get a say in this relationship too?

Is this a true story?

Regardless as to whether you have sex... he loves someone else. Do you love him? If so, why wouldn't you let him go and be happy with the woman he loves?

It's not easy and being pregnant I can pretty much guarantee now probably isn't the time to end a marriage- hormones etc. but you are denying yourself the right man for you.

Such a shame that you plan on exposing your baby to this loveless situation 😧

This. With bells

I can't believe you're not more shocked/upset/angry OP. It seems an oddly detached response. Unless you are in shock/denial?

It's over because he is in love with someone else. It's sad for both of you. Before it gets messy separate and work out how you are going to parent your shared child. You both deserve to be happy.

What a bloody mess. You need to seriously ask yourself i you want to be a single parent because the pair of you need to split. You are both as miserable as hell and this poor child will have to live with this mess. Why the hell did either of you think having a baby together was a good idea? Poor child.

I could be wrong but I think you know your marriage is a dead duck and your DH is in love with another woman but your biological clock was ticking loudly and you wanted a baby. He's just a convenient sperm donor for you.

This isn’t a marriage. The best thing you can both do for everyone involved, and certainly for the innocent unborn child you’re bringing into the world, is to sit down and discuss like adults how you plan to be amicable co parents after you separate. That’s a far better scenario than bringing up a child in a dysfunctional household with 3 people in the marriage.

I really hope this is fake. The OP’s ‘reaction’ is fucked.

Can I ask why you would want him to chose you? If my husband even got into the position of having a choice on his hands he would be out the door. There will be a reason he's not left you, maybe she's not single, financial reasons, but the moment he started the affair he picked her regardless of what he has done or said to her since.
You have a child coming, the love you feel for that child will far outweigh what you feel for him, you sound like you don't really even love each other tbh. Why not leave, have a happy life with your child and find someone who would never even consider texting another woman?

Me too

Also not what you asked for, but make sure you get an STI test asap, if he's been sleeping around you want to be sure you don't have anything that untreated would harm the baby.

I just wanted to add that I’m disappointed people would think my posting was fake. I have just found this out and I’m being supported by my mum. I didn’t want to share my inner most thoughts, feelings and reactions with strangers. I was just reaching out to see what other people thought who were impartial because I never thought I’d find myself in this position and want to make the best choice for me and my baby.

I guess people think your reaction is not great " he chose me " really ?

Hi op sorry if I sound harsh but are you for real. The scumbag hasn't chosen you he had a emotional if not a physical affair for 3 years and you saying in your post how can people say your marriage is over REALLY because you have dinner together go to family occasions together that don't make a happy marriage my advice is get rid of him have your beautiful baby and let the ow have the scumbag

I'm glad you're being supported by your mum. It's a horrible position to be in especially when pregnant and feeling vulnerable. I hope your mum will give you some good advice. While not all the comments on here have been constructive, I hope that some of them have given you a different perspective and food for thought.

Why do you still want him after what he has done he chose someone else this isn't love

I think some of us are hoping it's fake because you seem so surprised that your marriage might be over. I know you're probably in shock and it hasn't quite sunk in yet.

I am really sorry you're going through this and I'm glad you have your mum for support. It's time to take care of yourself and the baby now. I'm afraid your husband is of no use to you at the moment.

I was just reaching out to see what other people thought who were impartial because I never thought I’d find myself in this position and want to make the best choice for me and my baby

Well, now that everyone has pretty much unanimously told you to dump his cheating arse, that he is no prize and that your marriage is a complete sham what are you thinking you might do?

I’m glad you’re with your dm and I hope you are looking after yourself op - I just think like everyone else on this thread that this situation is seriously fucked up and very unhealthy. You need to find your anger.

What does your mum think OP?

Does she agree with the majority on here who are trying to explain to you that this isn't a salvageable relationship?

Staying with this man will destroy your mental health and teach your baby that this is what a normal relationship looks like, which it absolutely doesn't.

You can teach your child that it's ok to be single rather than in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship. And it's better for them to have two happy, secure parents than live under the same roof as the toxicity of this dynamic.

You're numb from shock and that's understandable. But this situation is madness. You can't come back from this as a couple because he's chosen a sort of 'duty' (because of the baby) rather than choosing you over her.

You deserve more. And your baby deserves not to grow up under the same roof as such an unhealthy dynamic.

I feel a bit sorry for him. Has he tried to leave before but you just won't accept it?

I’m sorry OP but just bc it hasn’t been a big part of YOUR relationship it presumably has HIS and OW’s. In a perverse way he’s almost been faithful to her by not sleeping with you, his own wife! He’s absolutely messed up. He sounds obsessed with her.

You say you looked around and everyone seemed to be pregnant or with a baby - so you wanted one. That’s not the sole reason is it? Presumably there must have been other thoughts and feelings involved? How did your husband feel? He must have had a few more words to say about it?

If your husbands been off work with stress, what caused it? His GF dumping him? Your marriage? Has he explained?

If he has been miserable he should have had the guts to end it with you a long time ago. But he actively pursued someone else and now is devastated by the way she’s responded to him starting a family - what did he expect? He sounds like an utter twat.

I’m sorry you’re going through this right now, truly. But it sounds from what you’ve said that yours is not a conventional love story as you both lead seemingly separate lives socially and only unite for evening meals and family gatherings. Did he ever message you like he does this OW? If you split up how would that affect you emotionally? Are you in love with him or do you see him more as a platonic partner?

Do you have support if you were to raise this baby alone?

I hope your husband wakes up to reality and his responsibilities and stops treating you like rubbish. He sounds like a snivelling coward and doesn’t seem to add a lot of joy to your life. Do you really want to stay with him?

You sound weirdly detached OP, he’s a coward and a cheat, why stay with someone with such low morals

This post has to be fake. Surely.