Messages on his phone

[SunflowerRose1990]

I’ve been with my husband for an over ten years. I wouldn’t say that we are happy but we’re also not unhappy. Everything is just ok. I do a lot with my mum and he does a lot outside the house playing golf and seeing friends. We always have our dinner together but don’t always sit together in the evening but we do go to family occasions together etc. Anyway, a few years ago, shortly after we were married we were trying for a baby and sadly it ended in a miscarriage. After that, about 2 months later we just stopped having sex altogether. It’s never been a massive part of our relationship, we could go weeks without having sex and it wasn’t particularly passionate. Anyway, I’ve just turned 34 and I’m looking around seeing everyone around me is pregnant or has a baby so I told him I wanted to try for a baby. He didn’t seem super excited about it but I assumed this was because he was signed off work with stress. We both weren’t really sure if it was something that could happen for us. We slept together for the first time in nearly 3 years a few times and I became pregnant. He’s signed off work again for the same reasons and I noticed his mood seemed really low and I’d heard him crying at night. I looked at his phone and I saw all these messages between him and this girl he used to work with. It seems like they’ve been in a relationship for about 3 years and she has just found out I’m pregnant. He says he felt he had to sleep with me and he thought I wouldn’t get pregnant. It seems that she ended things around the time I broached the conversation about having a baby. He’s told her how much he loves her and that they are soulmates. More recently, he is messaging her constantly asking about other men she is working with or asking if she is seeing anyone else. It seems he’s chosen me so why can’t he stop messaging her?

@SunflowerRose1990, it sounds like you haven’t confronted him yet about his massive deception and long-term affair, which by the way is still going on. They are very much together if they are messaging day and night.

The truth is that his Primary Relationship is with OW. For 3 years he has cheated, lied, and tricked you. Why on earth would you want to diminish yourself by staying with a duplicitous man of such low empathy and integrity? Why would you expose your child to such a toxic relationship model?

Move on and establish a workable co-parenting relationship.

Great. So now that you know what impartial people think are you going to give your head a wobble and wake the f*ck up?

You know telling other people that he only had sex with you because he felt like he had to isn't a compliment right? Seriously, raise your bar.

"I’m also not sure how people think the marriage is over"

OP it's over because it has been over for a long time. You description of your marriage isn't really a marriage. You don't spend your evenings or free time together, you aren't happy, you don't have sex. You say you attend family functions together as though that's proof of a marriage but it's not. It's a very small minimum standard in a relationship but it's such an incredible low bar and does not mean you should stay married just because you can tolerate family functions together. Added to all that he's in love with someone else and has been having an affair. It's time to cut your losses and leave.

He's in love with someone else. This isn't a marriage, you are roommates.

Delusion, cheating and deceit, always a fantastic thing to add into the grenade launched catastrophic explosion that is a baby.

Even those in a secure, loving, not been having an affair for three years and crying over another woman relationships can struggle.

Please think about the kind of life your baby will have, with a father that doesn't really want it and who dreams about getting away from the family every night. If you think a child won't pick up on that atmosphere, you are very very wrong. Of course it's most likely that the guilt will wear off and he will abandon you both eventually, for either that woman or another.

Oh dear.

Honey, he hasn’t chosen you. Your marriage sounds really soul destroying. I can’t believe you’re even contemplating staying with him after reading those messages. Mind boggles.

@SunflowerRose1990 the trust is gone now, your relationship will never be the same and that’s definitely not the environment to raise a child in. You have to think about whether or not you want to be a single parent because unless you want a marriage of convenience, open marriage the situation is no longer viable. You will be constantly on tender hooks, on alert looking at his phone wondering if they are still in contact etc, questioning when he’s late home, when he changes his aftershave etc , and that’s no way to live, you will end up being miserable.

Sounds like your husband is a bit stupid and believes in the cliche of you can't get pregnant from just having sex once....

He obviously has feelings for this other woman, be it love or just an obsession. Either way, he's checked out of the marriage and you should too.

He's a cheat, a liar, and he sounds like a loser in general.

You and your unborn child deserve better. The best you can hope from this situation is that you maintain some kind of civil relationship with him for the sake of the child.

But huge congratulations on the pregnancy. I know it's such a gift when you've wanted this for so long, albeit in less than perfect circumstances. But hey, families come in all shapes and sizes these days. Just focus your energy and attention on your pregnancy. He doesn't deserve any more of your time.

He didn’t choose you - he slept with you out of duty and you got pregnant- he didn’t want you to get pregnant, he would much rather be with theirs other women. That’s why he’s sad. Good luck with the pregnancy.

In light of your latest thread this is an even sadder read.

Let him go, for everyone's sake.