WWYD- DH says he doesn’t find me attractive anymore

[Simplesalmon]

So no drip feed, marriage is generally happy but neither myself or DH are particularly emotionally literate. Both a bit buttoned up but me probably less so.

Sex died down a lot after kids but is now non existent. I thought DH had a libido problem but he’s been watching porn and tonight after pressing, admitted that, for him, sex is purely physical and he doesn’t fine me attractive anymore. He did back track and kind of say it’s just not as attractive.

For context, I am probably a dress size bigger so a 10 rather than a 12 but otherwise I keep myself reasonably enough - hair etc all done. Im a few years younger than DH.

he kind of believes that carrying on as is is fine, just ignore the elephant in the room. He Agrees that no sex is a problem but not as big as I’m making out.

I feel that we are lacking intimacy and I think that it’s making our marriage very vulnerable. DH said he’s going to think about what he / we can do but I’m quite upset and a little furious. Who the fuck does he think he is??

Anyone experience of this and what would you do ?

Leave. That's it.

Who the fuck does he think he is??

Really! He'll be having an affair next and blaming you.

Really @MadamVastra Would you not try at all ? I am worried that this will all chip away at my self esteem.
I am the higher earner so I don’t really have concerns in that regard

@MariaLuna I can’t say he’s not the type cos who knows but I think casual sex rather than an emotional affair is more likely. I just can’t see him taking the time of effort for a real connection

Yeah who the fuck does he think he is. Sorry. It sounds awful. It’s not about your dress size . How old are the kids? Is it a life stage yoh think you can work through?

Well, I'm sorry but nobody starts finding their partner less attractive because you're a size 12 instead of a 10.

Is it possible he's already having an affair and is finding a way to blame you so he doesn't take responsibility?

@Juststuckhere I’d like to think so. I am not sure I am ready for the alternative to be honest. Kids are teens / tweens

@MyopicBunny I don’t think so. No other signs, around a lot etc

I dunno, I’m a little conflicted here. I imagine my partner is currently frustrated with our relationship. I’m exhausted and need space….does it mean I don’t love him and value him in my life? Absolutely not

@Juststuckhere Well that’s it. I think he does love and care for me but he’s always been a limited man in that respect. That may or may not be enough for me as we age but I am wondering if this is worth fighting for and if yes then how. It feels wrong for it to be up to me to have to find a way for him to find me more attractive. Then it feels like it’s a me problem, when I kind of feel he has to take responsibility

Not sure about the outrage on here. You can’t force him to find you attractive. If there’s no infidelity, you have to work out if you can see or want a future with him.

Telling him to take a long walk off a short plank

Well I think @DillDanding it’s that for a lot of couples even if they don’t find each other madly attractive, they often keep up a sex life and once your into it, more desire usually comes along.

i think what my DH is saying is quite unusual. I think lots of couples think it but don’t act on it or really say it.

To be honest, I think I would apply for a divorce.

@Kerryoh It certainly needs to be part of my thought process for sure. It’s not kind behaviour

Has his appearance changed over the years? His attitude is unattractive tbh, let that put you off him. He's also probably in an unrealistic porn rut.
It would take a jolt to make him wake up if he has the capacity. I'd get glammed up and go out with friends more often. I'd also maybe ask him if he would mind you seeking satisfaction elsewhere? Not that you need to, but his reaction might tell you things. Would he maybe change his tune if he thought others desired you? It might help with your self esteem while at it. Show him others value you because you are awesome.
Perhaps take yourself on vacation for a while, or with friends, you have nothing to lose. Could help you disengage from him too., then you will be less conflicted as to what to do.
He certainly doesn't sound 'all that' himself and clearly doesn't know and appreciate what he has.
Time to start leading a fun life separate to him. You don't have to leave yet, he can watch it all unfold in front of him.

I'm not sure how I'd handle it but I do know I would point out to him that he has also undergone physical changes over the years and isn't as young as he once was.

I think you've just got a very lazy man there.

He's got porn and that's enough for him. It sounds like he's got addicted to porn, it requires less effort than physically pleasing you (or another woman), and you've been relegated to house keeper, nanny, general companion and payer of bills.

Do you want him back?

Porn is a marriage wrecker. I detest it.

I wonder if he considered your feelings when he told you that? What was the purpose of it and is he saying it so he can later fall back on it as an excuse for infidelity - that’s what I’d be worrying about.

I don’t know if you mentioned how old is he but most men wouldn’t be keen on just giving up sex for the rest of their lives . So if he’s not bothering to do it with you again, it makes you wonder who he is planning to have sex with…

He sounds like a horrible man to say that to you after having his children and you are only a size 12 and sounds like you look after yourself, but regardless if you were a bigger woman he should still respect you and not be so unkind. He is just not bothered and of course he wants to carry on with the easy life while he has his porn. You should be making a plan and see if you can afford to buy out his share of your home and enjoy your life or can you see this life for the rest of your days filled with resentment and losing yourself and your confidence. I would ask him to leave for a while and have time to think. You may find you do not even miss him. Don't stay with someone just because it is the only option you think you have as life too short to be treated so bad. Cruel unkind words from someone who is supposed to love you and have your back. You deserve so much better.

I’m torn.

feelings can change over time, and I think it’s naive to say that it’s not possible to become unattracted to someone, be that physically or emotionally.
but it obviously goes without saying that it’s hurtful to hear it.
would your dh go to counselling?

If a sexual relationship is important to you (it sounds like it is) he needs to get treatment for his porn addiction or you divorce. Give him an ultimatum.

What he’s saying is a classic sign of an affair.

my x said the same to me, out of the blue. I asked on here: many people said that and they were right.

There Is no coming back from it. It’s just so brutal. It’s not the way to deal with things. I feel for you @Simplesalmon

Yeah, you don't look enough like a porn star for him, OP. Personally I couldn't live with someone who devalued me like that.