Page 2 | WWYD- DH says he doesn’t find me attractive anymore

Simplesalmon · 2024-03-23T00:57:19+00:00

So no drip feed, marriage is generally happy but neither myself or DH are particularly emotionally literate. Both a bit buttoned up but me probably less so. Sex died down a lot after kids but is now non existent. I thought DH had a libido problem but he’s been watching porn and tonight after pressing, admitted that, for him, sex is purely physical and he doesn’t fine me attractive anymore. He did back track and kind of say it’s just not as attractive. For context, I am probably a dress size bigger so a 10 rather than a 12 but otherwise I keep myself reasonably enough - hair etc all done. Im a few years younger than DH. he kind of believes that carrying on as is is fine, just ignore the elephant in the room. He Agrees that no sex is a problem but not as big as I’m making out. I feel that we are lacking intimacy and I think that it’s making our marriage very vulnerable. DH said he’s going to think about what he / we can do but I’m quite upset and a little furious. Who the fuck does he think he is?? Anyone experience of this and what would you do ?

Lampslights · 23/03/2024 06:24

I’m surprised at these answers, and the whole who the fuck does he think he is thing, I actually had to read your op twice in case I missed something.

clearly the fact he doesn’t find you attractive is nothing to do with weight, there is little difference between a ten and a twelve. You can’t force yourself to feel physical attraction or go through the motions sexually hoping you will get into it

and if a man posted this about a woman, saying she didn’t find him attractive any more and didn’t wish sex, and she was going to think about what could be done about it, there would be outrage if the man said who does she think she is.

the answer her is finding out what changed, what stopped the physical attraction. Is it life, did you get too comfortable. What ? It won’t be porn, men can watch porn and have sex. It’s not either or.

so you need to talk to each other. Maybe work out if going on dates, taking time for each other, In a romantic setting can help. Understanding what changed, what the issue is. And if it can’t be resolved. Then decide if this is ok for you or if you need to end it

YouJustDoYou · 23/03/2024 06:27

God, I'd be horrified he's literally just admitted to using you as a convenient hole for when he's horny!!

Twobigbabies · 23/03/2024 06:31

Are you happy to live in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life or potentially be left in a few years time when he has a affair? I would feel absolutely crushed if my husband said this to me and it would destroy my self esteem. As per pp he needs treatment for the porn addiction, plus relationship therapy. If he refuses you need to have a think about your future. It's not normal and it's not you. Sorry you're dealing with this.

RoachFish · 23/03/2024 07:02

Why is everyone focussing on OPs weight? It has barely changed. I became unattracted to my ex-h but not because of how he looked (if anything he looked better than when we met) but because he did things that caused me to feel resentment and that killed any desire to be intimate with him. Attraction doesn’t come from only how you look and it’s good that he has said something now you can have an open and honest discussion about it rather than letting it carry on for years and years.

Startingagainandagain · 23/03/2024 07:06

Leave him.

He brings nothing positive to your life and staying with him will destroy your self-esteem.

You don't have to put with an insensitive/cruel, porn-addicted man who does not even pull his weight that much financially.

He is blaming you for his issues. A woman who is a size 12 and takes care of her appearance has not suddenly become 'unattractive' and considering that you are younger than him as well he just sounds like he is a complete waste of space...

As for the comments suggesting it is the OP's job to improve things: raise your standards. The only thing she needs to do is divorce him.

ShowerEasy · 23/03/2024 07:07

I’d bet my bum he’s covering for something- ED was my first guess but an affair could also fit.

Sorry you’re in this position. It’s not ok for him to drop this bombshell then expect to carry on as before.

WishesPromised · 23/03/2024 07:09

Perhaps if he laid off the porn that he starts to see things differently.

Totallynottrolling · 23/03/2024 07:12

RoachFish · 23/03/2024 07:02

Why is everyone focussing on OPs weight? It has barely changed. I became unattracted to my ex-h but not because of how he looked (if anything he looked better than when we met) but because he did things that caused me to feel resentment and that killed any desire to be intimate with him. Attraction doesn’t come from only how you look and it’s good that he has said something now you can have an open and honest discussion about it rather than letting it carry on for years and years.

Yes I don’t think it’s about OP’s weight or looks, or even anything she has done: it’s about the porn addiction. There have been lots of studies on the impact this has on male sexual desire. It’s absolutely fatal for relationships

Channellingsophistication · 23/03/2024 07:44

Its harsh of him to say this and actually pretty cruel.

I do think porn has a lot to answer for. It sets unrealistic expectations and makes some men lazy.

I think you need to have a good conversation and perhaps counselling to see if you want to a future with him

EveryOtherNameTaken · 23/03/2024 08:15

DillDanding · 23/03/2024 01:19

Not sure about the outrage on here. You can’t force him to find you attractive. If there’s no infidelity, you have to work out if you can see or want a future with him.

Pretty much this.

Lampslights · 23/03/2024 08:28

Channellingsophistication · 23/03/2024 07:44

Its harsh of him to say this and actually pretty cruel.

I do think porn has a lot to answer for. It sets unrealistic expectations and makes some men lazy.

I think you need to have a good conversation and perhaps counselling to see if you want to a future with him

Should he have lied?

and I would hazard a guess he’s not just started watching porn, so no it won’t be to blame. And plenty of men watch porn and have sex too. Surely you know this? It’s very rare for a man to watch porn and not want sex, irrelevant of the hyperbole about it. And yes, I’m a woman.

Wmale · 23/03/2024 08:51

Lampslights · 23/03/2024 06:24

I’m surprised at these answers, and the whole who the fuck does he think he is thing, I actually had to read your op twice in case I missed something.

clearly the fact he doesn’t find you attractive is nothing to do with weight, there is little difference between a ten and a twelve. You can’t force yourself to feel physical attraction or go through the motions sexually hoping you will get into it

and if a man posted this about a woman, saying she didn’t find him attractive any more and didn’t wish sex, and she was going to think about what could be done about it, there would be outrage if the man said who does she think she is.

the answer her is finding out what changed, what stopped the physical attraction. Is it life, did you get too comfortable. What ? It won’t be porn, men can watch porn and have sex. It’s not either or.

so you need to talk to each other. Maybe work out if going on dates, taking time for each other, In a romantic setting can help. Understanding what changed, what the issue is. And if it can’t be resolved. Then decide if this is ok for you or if you need to end it

Imagine if a man posted on here saying my wife doesn't want sex anymore. No one would say leave it would all be about helping her. Not ask your wife if she minded if you went elsewhere.

RomanRotten · 23/03/2024 08:51

RoachFish · 23/03/2024 07:02

Why is everyone focussing on OPs weight? It has barely changed. I became unattracted to my ex-h but not because of how he looked (if anything he looked better than when we met) but because he did things that caused me to feel resentment and that killed any desire to be intimate with him. Attraction doesn’t come from only how you look and it’s good that he has said something now you can have an open and honest discussion about it rather than letting it carry on for years and years.

But in the OP he said that for him sex is purely physical and he doesn't find her attractive anymore. That, coupled with the porn and how OP describes him emotionally, makes me think that this is a man who views women purely as physical objects. They are either fuckable to him or they are not.

OP this is very damaging to your self-esteem. I absolutely could not come back from that sort of comment personally. Especially since your appearance hasn't dramatically changed so it's not like you can actually do anything about it. I'm assuming it's because you've got older and he's a perv/emotionally stunted and only finds youth attractive.

Take your time but in my view it's time to start planning for your future without him.

Original poster

Simplesalmon · 23/03/2024 09:13

Regarding the porn and expectations, I think I ignored a couple of red flags early on. I remember my DH saying to me quite early that he hoped I would never lose my sexiness (I was quite sexy if I say so myself 😂)
I remember thinking to myself -
well I’ll lose this because I’m not going to be 26 in 20 years time. I think the issue is also that my DH is too emotionally immature to actually have his desire grow with love, he almost doesn’t equate the two.
He’s just been in with a cup of coffee to tell me he loves me and all the great things I am but I made pretty clear that it’s not normal and our marriage won’t survive this. He doesn’t foresee it , but I told him that I do unless we/ he addresses this.

I said I was hurt , not surprised , and he needs to talk to friends or a therapist to see if he can untangle his feelings.

I'm already doing what many suggested - off on a girls weekend soon - so I am absolutely not sitting and wallowing. I wouldn’t have my girls see me do that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Simplesalmon · 23/03/2024 09:15

RomanRotten · 23/03/2024 08:51

But in the OP he said that for him sex is purely physical and he doesn't find her attractive anymore. That, coupled with the porn and how OP describes him emotionally, makes me think that this is a man who views women purely as physical objects. They are either fuckable to him or they are not.

OP this is very damaging to your self-esteem. I absolutely could not come back from that sort of comment personally. Especially since your appearance hasn't dramatically changed so it's not like you can actually do anything about it. I'm assuming it's because you've got older and he's a perv/emotionally stunted and only finds youth attractive.

Take your time but in my view it's time to start planning for your future without him.

Show quote history

Yes I think you are right here - it’s a bit Madonna/whore.

OP posts:

Original poster

Simplesalmon · 23/03/2024 09:52

I should also add that in answer to the question of should he have lied, I kind of think yes he should have and then worked on it. Emotionally it doesn’t say much for a 50 year old man

OP posts:

Confidentialinfo · 23/03/2024 09:53

Fuck his best mate, bet he’d find you attractive

ZippedOpenMouth · 23/03/2024 10:02

I had this around the age of 30 after having a baby and my body didn't ping back . Then he put on weight and his hairline receded . No one is going to stay a hit twenty something for the rest of their lives . We all age and change .

Original poster

Simplesalmon · 23/03/2024 10:22

That’s it. He’s losing his hair and getting that old man chest and legs but I would never hurt him by pointing this out !

OP posts:

ZippedOpenMouth · 23/03/2024 10:31

Simplesalmon · 23/03/2024 10:22

That’s it. He’s losing his hair and getting that old man chest and legs but I would never hurt him by pointing this out !

I would the next time he runs you down .

frozendaisy · 23/03/2024 10:34

Simplesalmon · 23/03/2024 10:22

That’s it. He’s losing his hair and getting that old man chest and legs but I would never hurt him by pointing this out !

I would.

This would have been my first reaction
Something like "you're no longer an Adonis yourself"

It might focus his dumb mind a bit that aging bodies are just that. They are different, not tight fucking 20 year old porn star bodies.

Seaoftroubles · 23/03/2024 10:39

That would be it for me. I would be asking him to leave. l'm sure it's nothing to do with your size OP ( which has barely changed) but rather that you can't compete with the endless supply of surgically enhanced women's bodies available on porn sites. He's lazy and can't be bothered to have sex in real life as that takes effort. So sorry OP but l don't think there's any coming back from that.

Original poster

Simplesalmon · 23/03/2024 11:34

@Seaoftroubles thanks and I am kind of worried that I don’t seem to think enough of myself to make that choice

OP posts:

Jb197806 · 23/03/2024 12:46

It's not going to be the weight not sure why people focus on it. Do you still dress well or have you let that go, same with hair etc it's not going to be just one thing. Sit down talk with him, I find my wife more beautiful every day to look at but it's how she talks to me that makes me unattracted to her

theworldie · 23/03/2024 13:23

so you need to talk to each other. Maybe work out if going on dates, taking time for each other, In a romantic setting can help. Understanding what changed, what the issue is. And if it can’t be resolved. Then decide if this is ok for you or if you need to end it

Sorry, I couldn’t be arsed. If my dh told me he no longer found me attractive that’d be it. Not because he has no right to feel that way but because it’s a cruel and insensitive thing to say - it’s also somewhat a dead end thing to say.

I mean, where do you go from there? Presumably he wants a 20-something hottie like he’s watching in the porn he prefers and OP can never live up to that bc it’s a fantasy. It’s not real. He sounds shallow and I would massively get the Ick at his emotional immaturity and lack of respect.

Another thing to consider is that he may have “death grip” - where men wank to porn so much and fill their head with all kinds of sex images that they can’t get it up for a real life flesh and blood woman as they’re over-stimulated. It’s lazy and blame-shifting to put it on you OP, as though he’s trying to make you think the lack of sex is somehow down to you letting yourself go.

If he truly doesn’t find you attractive any more and doesn’t want sex he should leave. HE is the one who doesn’t seem to want to address his issues. Stopping watching porn would be a start.