WWYD- DH says he doesn’t find me attractive anymore

[Simplesalmon]

So no drip feed, marriage is generally happy but neither myself or DH are particularly emotionally literate. Both a bit buttoned up but me probably less so.

Sex died down a lot after kids but is now non existent. I thought DH had a libido problem but he’s been watching porn and tonight after pressing, admitted that, for him, sex is purely physical and he doesn’t fine me attractive anymore. He did back track and kind of say it’s just not as attractive.

For context, I am probably a dress size bigger so a 10 rather than a 12 but otherwise I keep myself reasonably enough - hair etc all done. Im a few years younger than DH.

he kind of believes that carrying on as is is fine, just ignore the elephant in the room. He Agrees that no sex is a problem but not as big as I’m making out.

I feel that we are lacking intimacy and I think that it’s making our marriage very vulnerable. DH said he’s going to think about what he / we can do but I’m quite upset and a little furious. Who the fuck does he think he is??

Anyone experience of this and what would you do ?

@Simplesalmon lf you are in any doubt of your worth please get some counselling for yourself to help you unpick why you feel like this.
I'm glad you are going away with your girlfriends, l hope they can give you a supportive boost and tell you all the many reasons why you are fabulous.
You don't have to put up with a porn addict who devalues you but it's your OHs problem to fix and if he doesn't step up then you should start planning to separate. If nothing changes it will erode your self esteem even more and you really do deserve so much better.

My advice would be to ask him to take responsibility for resolving the issue.

If he doesn’t a as find you attractive anymore, what’s the solution? Neither of you are going to magically change back into the ppl you were 20 years ago (be sure to mention that he didn’t have a receding hairline and skinny legs when you first met 😈) so what does he suggest doing?

You look after yourself and are an attractive middle-aged woman. He can tell you his solution to the issue and if it’s not mutually acceptable, he’ll have to be on his own, won’t he?

It sounds as if he’s trying to make you fully responsible for everything-don’t let him do that. Good luck. 💐

Dress well, not every day obviously. Hair is dyed, blow dried etc. Make up on every day. I’d say I look like 90% of women my age living in my area

Did he marry you on the condition that you would stay a size 10 forever? His behaviour is unacceptable.

Not a condition but I do now wonder if for him it was the pre requisite for him to find me desirable

It's classic madonna / whore complex.

does he even have anything going for him as a partner? not a parent or roommate - a partner?

he is not meeting your emotional or physical needs while heading towards that danny devito physique himself and watching porn

it may well be that what turns him off is the contrast between you - you're taking care of yourself and still look good, while his hair is migrating to his back

Maybe the porn use has damaged him to the extent that for him to have any sexual feelings it HAS to be tied in to appearance/overt sexiness.

So whilst he's watching that, any normal woman, however attractive, isn't enough

God, I'd be horrified he's literally just admitted to using you as a convenient hole for when he's horny!!

Actually - no. Op said their sex life is nonexistent. So it's more like he's happy to keep her as free child care and domestic service (or whatever household and family admin and money she provides since she earns more) without actually giving her the proper intimacy that she both needs, wants, and deserves in a normal and happy marriage.

My ex became increasingly addicted to porn and we stopped having sex.
Over time what he was addicted to became more extreme. After 10 years I left him but it was the beginnig of the end and I wished I had left sooner.
I would leave him to his little world of dreams and unreality.

You’re so much better than this op ❤️ honestly sounds like you’d be better off without this man. You deserve to be happy xxx

@watermelonsugar56 I think you are right however I am probably going to stay in this marriage for another 6 years. Get the youngest through school and then I don’t see myself growing old with him. I’ve realised he has become far too comfortable with the status quo and is a spoiled man child.

I am pulling way back from doing any of his laundry etc and he will
need to fend more himself. All of this isn’t good for our marriage but I have realised that I cannot fix this, he needs to play his part and he’s too emotionally stunted to do so.

I won’t leave right now but may well do in 6 years. It’s not an ideal way to live but the alternative isn’t an easy path either

OP, why would you give up 6 years to keep the status quo? You're right, you can't fix it, he isn't going to change. Please reconsider, keep your dignity and your self esteem in tact and ask him to go. You say that money worries aren't an issue so why keep on enabling him? You can still co parent effectively together and you will almost certainly find life happier without him.

i agree with the PP.

think about what you are modelling for your DC.

this is the expectation they will take into their important relationships. that you just have to swallow down your unhappiness, and maintain the status quo.

is that what you want your DC to repeat?

what if the unhappiness they're swallowing down is related to physical or emotional abuse?

He’s an older man who went for a younger woman, and now you’re getting older… but he is still an older man who wants a young woman. And that’s not you. He’s a shit. Basically. You picked the wrong man. Time for divorce.

How can you come back from him telling you he doesn’t find you sexually attractive? That he loves you but to him, love doesn’t have anything to do with sex and intimacy and he doesn’t want sex with you?

He’s a shit. Leave him.

ED is what I was thinking
He may not be able to get it up and using this as a tactic to deflect attention away from his inability to maintain an erection.

What a cruel thing for him to say. Though, I doubt that's the issue but he isn't going to tell you that he prefers wanking off to porn is he?
He's a little bit broken and it's not your job to fix him. You can't fix him. Build yourself up, stop looking after/mollycoddling him if you do. Though how you could bring yourself to do his washing after he said those words to you tells me you have low standards regarding him anyway.
Time to look after you as the most important adult in your world. Too many women put themselves at the bottom of the pile. Step back and try and plan a future without him. Good luck.

Very cruel thing for him to say. Terminal, I'd think. But he expects you to continue on being a wife and housekeeper? You can do better. I'm not sure you'd be doing your children by staying together with the atmosphere that will exist in your house now.

I'm not sure why you are focusing on your size OP. Did he specifically say he didn't like that you'd got bigger? You haven't said that he said anything about your size/weight just that he was no longer attracted to you.

If he's addicted to porn then it's likely he wouldn't want to have sex with the porn stars he watches in real life either, he'd rather watch them on the screen and wank than to actually have sex with them.

It's not unusual for men with ED or who are addicted to porn to say hurtful things to their partner in order to deflect because they'd rather not admit to themselves that they just don't want partnered sex anymore.

However there's also the possibility that he's not actually addicted to porn, but just uses it as an outlet and that he really is just not attracted to you, if that's the case then I don't think there's very much he can do about it

There's about 4 years between them.

Do you find this Adonis attractive or is it all about what he wants, what do you want out of a marriage

Several years ago he made it subtly clear that he preferred me thinner. We are talking a large size 10 to a large size here so not massive changes

I

He is watching porn, which means he is getting his sexual gratification outside of the marriage. That is the very definition of cheating. As a result of his cheating, he no longer wants to have sex with his wife, even though he is ostensibly capable of doing so. That is a violation of his marriage vows.

Yes, I’ve definitely lost my sense of self as a priority in this relationship. It’s all about him and I’ve let that happen.