In-laws don’t really bother with grandchild, should I bother to make an effort?

[Blackpen]

They don’t really bother to do anything. I think they’ve been over 2 times in the past 1.5 years and only live 10 mins away. They are well and healthy and there is no physical reason why they don’t come. They don’t offer any support or help even when we ask. We will get a let’s see what we have planed then will 99 percent of the time say no. In fact they booked a holiday over my c-section due date. They are decent enough when we go over but I don’t enjoy going as it’s clear they aren’t that interested.

When we visit our bubba just cries and clings as they spend so little time they don’t recognise them. I’m personally starting to feel like they don’t particularly care. Should I ever bother trying to keep them in the loop? They are just odd to me.

Honestly if I was you (and I sort of am, my in laws are exactly the same) I would just leave it. Let them make the effort since you have already tried and if they don’t then you just cut your losses and accept it.

That’s the approach we have taken now, I just think kids aren’t stupid- they know who shows up and who doesn’t. I’m not going to force relationships with anybody and I’m especially not going to force my children to have relationships with anybody who doesn’t actively want to be in their lives and goes out of their way to prove that!

Don't bother chasing them. They're telling you they're not interested so listen.

Also it's not your job to facilitate relationships with them, they're not your parents. Leave them to your partner to deal with.

I'm sure they'll complain and play the victim, people like that often do, when they never see you but just grey rock or reply, "I tried, you weren't interested. You know where we live." They can come to you from now on.

I think the most glaring part of the story you are missing is what your partner thinks! Is this just want their parents are like? Do they have a history of maybe being selfish, or not being fussed about kids/family? Would your partner be fussed if no effort was made with their parents? Would DP step up and make the effort if you didn’t?
Some grandparents are cuddly and caring and look after the kids three times a week. Some send a tenner in a card at a birthday. If your partner isn’t fussed then just cool it off, it might just be you with the expectations on what the relationship should be like.

ummm @JimBeamCoke my partner doesn’t say to be honest. He is definitely affected by his upbringing and this is just normal to him. He has always had to make the effort. His mum is pretty cold really emotionally. Well in my opinion.

@StrawberryWater yeah I feel like this now. There is no connection. They don’t help, they aren’t around. There just feels like no growth in the relationship, I just go so that I make an effort for myself really.

They should reap what they sow, treat them as distant relatives in whom you have little to no interest.
In other words exactly as they treat you!

I think your InLaws may also be mine OP!
I made an effort for the first few Years of 1st DCs life then I soon realised it was a very, very one sided relationship. They also live 10mins from Us but haven't visited in a Year and 7 Months.
We see them at Christmas and occasionally if there's a Family BBQ in the Summer but that's it.
I make no effort whatsoever anymore, DCs don't really know them and have never asked about them.
When we do get together they don't interact with the Children whatsoever so no point at all really!
(But they do like to take a million photos and plaster them all over Facebook 🙄)
Their loss OP

We have something like this. My parents live three hours away and my son has seen and spent more time with them than my in-laws who live an hour away 😅

My in-laws are lovely people and dote on my son when they do see him but I do wish they'd ask to see him more. I wish they had the same relationship with him that my parents do. My son will ask to video call Nanna and Granddad and merrily bounds into the house when we go to visit but he wouldn't even think to do that with his other grandparents.

My FIL makes no effort whatsoever with my children. 2 of them wouldn't recognise him if they did see him and the one that does remember him (much older child) never asks about him or has any interest in seeing him anymore.

I don't bother chasing him for a relationship with my kids. Dh recognises that he's never going to have the relationship with his father that he would have liked as his father is not the dad he would like to have that relationship with.

Your pil sound exactly the same as mine. They always say they might be on holiday, or in hospital so they can’t arrange to see the children. Then they are poorly when school holidays come around, so they can’t see them then .
My youngest dc doesn't like to sleep at their house as it is a strange place. They only live a short distance away too .

I used to hope they'd spend time with the dcs but now I just expect they won't

I used to take it quite personally and think it was something about me they didn’t like. But I’ve gone past that now and thinks it’s just them. It really is their loss.

Kind of similar situation, I’ve invited my in laws to spend time with my son and said that they’re welcome to come over when they’re free (semi retired so available a fair bit) but they’ve never done it. They’ll pop in for half an hour sometimes but my toddler doesn’t know them really so doesn’t really interact. My husband wants them to know our son but it’s usually us who have to suggest meeting up or doing something with them and then it’ll be less than an hour at a time.
My parents come over every week and spend at least a couple of hours with him.
My mother in law also thinks that my son will be having sleepovers with them / they’ll look after him for a day, which is definitely not going to happen any time soon as they don’t really know him.
It’s very tricky trying to navigate family relationships

Nah, I’d put in the bare minimum- card at bdays, xmas, but that’s about it unless they change their ways and start putting more effort in.

oh god on the rare occasion both nanny’s are in the same space my bubba will run to my mum and go nana and smile and hug and won’t go near her other nana. You do reap what you sow unfortunately. My mum makes so much more effort to help me and my partner.

same situation
dont bother making an effort and do bare minimum.

Have the same with mil. She showed barely any interest in our first born and it upset my husband trying to get her to take an interest. In the end we decided to back away and she's not bothered since. She's met our second born 3 times and our child wouldn't know who she was. Haven't seen her for nearly 4/5 years. She's not noticed or cared.

A million percent this!

Naaah. I wouldn’t bother if l was you. They clearly can’t be bothered so why do you need to make the effort?

Nope, I wouldn't bother.
If your partner wants to visit let him go alone/wirh DC and you stay home.

With my relative with a similar attitude, I came to feel I had given them a chance + they hadn't bothered to step up + form a relationship with my child. So I stopped making an effort for them. I now only do the minimum effort that I need to for me, that stops me feeling guilty.
Have a chat with your OH, because its going to be him that has any guilt. What does he want to do about seeing them? Its his parents and through all that the future brings, he will need to feel he has done right by them. You and the kids can support him, but without taking the burden on fully yourselves. Maybe suggest he tries to go alone usually and you take the kids around birthdays or xmas. Could you meet at the park or a restaurant nearest to them? Its worth acknowledging that you probably both have parents and you can try to be fair and visit both equally, but ultimately you are drawn closer to people who are interested and make the effort and you can't do their share of the relationship for them.
I have two friends with similar in laws. One's make the effort to visit her twice yearly + then sit there in silence! Its not any better than awkward visits, but she bites her tongue as at least they make the effort + makes only the same number of reciprocal visits back.
Others have defrosted a bit once the kids grew. Husband was adopted + she figures they just aren't small child people.
Good luck!

@Smallcheeze my OH definitely tries to people please them. He seems to thinks it’s ok, they never visited his house when he bought it for the entire time he lived there and that was 5 years. It’s normal for him but not for me. He is the one who goes around. He is like that will all the immediate members of his family. I’m much more of a you get out what you put in.

nah, YANBU.

Stop making the effort. Leave it with your DH.

Mine don't bother either. It's quite sad in a way as my mother has them at least once a week and loves her time with them.

My in laws live 10 mins away and sometimes pop in for a coffee on their way back from somewhere but very rarely take the kids out and if asked to babysit they usually have a prior booking!

It's their choice. My husband is an only child and these their only grandchildren too. I hope they don't expect many visits in their old age because my children barely know them.

Rightly or wrongly, they don't want to get roped in as 'help' or 'support'. Maybe if you make it 100% clear that you weren't looking for or expecting or guilt tripping etc. for either cash or childcare, just a friendly relationship, things would be different.

@strawberriesarenot that is what they are, there just exist as some dna in familiar and that will be how they are seen. They make no effort so our daughter won’t go to them. Real relationships are not formed like this. They are just visitors in our life unfortunately, there is no emotional bond at all.