In-laws don’t really bother with grandchild, should I bother to make an effort?

[Blackpen]

They don’t really bother to do anything. I think they’ve been over 2 times in the past 1.5 years and only live 10 mins away. They are well and healthy and there is no physical reason why they don’t come. They don’t offer any support or help even when we ask. We will get a let’s see what we have planed then will 99 percent of the time say no. In fact they booked a holiday over my c-section due date. They are decent enough when we go over but I don’t enjoy going as it’s clear they aren’t that interested.

When we visit our bubba just cries and clings as they spend so little time they don’t recognise them. I’m personally starting to feel like they don’t particularly care. Should I ever bother trying to keep them in the loop? They are just odd to me.

Posts like this make me so grateful for all the grandparents to our DDs (at one point we had 5, but 2 have very sadly now died). They all wanted to be involved and engaged and DDs are very fond of all of them.

@Blackpen - very glad your DH has you and your shared DC. His parents sound cold and remote but thanks to you your DH has been able to make a new and better family for himself.

@Blackpen Sorry but you lost my respect when you used "Bubba" 🤦‍♀️

@Dery thanks. They are like it with the other son’s children. They are just like visitors.

@SpringtimeBunny yeah lol was trying not to out myself with the sex. Not looking for respect just advice.

Well, not everyone finds small babies and toddlers easy company, or interesting. My PILs made no secret of that with our 2 when they were random, messy little things. They got on much better when they were older.

@strawberriesarenot Im not just talking about her but we needed some support. I had terrible surgery with her and was very poorly and they just stayed on holiday. They didn’t help their son with one thing. No dinners made, no offers of support. I felt so bad for him, he was vomiting with the stress of having me unwell and a new baby. I could never behave like that whether or not I like babies that my son.

They don’t care about their son or his child. Its not a question of making up excuses for their coldness. They aren’t interested: no visits, no gestures, no expressed interest. Why do some posters make up such elaborate excuses?

Just stop caring/arranging.

I don’t think I want people around who are only interested in the good times and then disappear when things get a bit harder. I’m a bit too old for all that.

Leave them to it make the same amount of effort as them I had twins and c section my parents never helped at all. Even baby sitting was for their entertainment and on their terms they decided to stop when mine were 7. We were never asked or consulted I have never once asked for help as I know it would never be given x

MIL was a disinterested parent and then a disinterested GP. I think some people just aren’t that interested in children.
I wasn’t bothered except DH tried desperately to develop a relationship and we would have to go visit (big distance) frequently. I don’t think he ever realised she never actually engaged with DD. Same with her other GC, although she decided she liked one of them when she was a teenager as she would go to the shop etc for her.
Her house was filled with pictures of GC and other children from the family though, so strange.

I would just quietly leave it now op. I feel for your husband having such disinterested parents. But you and him can model a healthy loving upbringing for your children, with your parents involved too. You don't need to expend energy on them you don't owe them anything.

Like most parents, I adore my children. It's hard to imagine choosing to be so far from their lives so as to barely know their children.

I wonder whether they'll be horrified one day to realise how badly they've deprived themselves, or if they'll go to their grave with indifference.

There's no law that says anyone has to be emotionally involved with grandchildren and your in-laws just aren't bothered. Leave them be and work on building your DH up so he's not upset by their lack of interest.

@Lifestooshort71 no there is no law. It would be nice though. People tend to think they are at fault themselves. I know both of their children are affected in different ways because of their upbringing. They have both chosen women who are a flip side of their mum so they’ve both needed some emotional connection. I can’t speak for myself but the other gf is very warm and I like to think I am too. I think both of us DIL struggle with them.

Hi op had similar you cant really change them. It is hurtful of course. Only thing I find as my kids older they dont rush to visit. You reap what you sow. Some gps just not into it. It is sad though.

I think with some parents on either side it like you can bring a horse to water but you can't make them drink. If your pil are poor at calling to see your kids get your husband to call to them and get him to bring the kids to see them a few times a year. I do the same with your parents. Then either side can't say they never see the children.
Some parents don't want to see grandkids because they feel that next thing they will be expected to provide childcare or they just have no interest.

I have a friend at the moment. My friend was left to deal with a lot of things and her mother's attitude was so what. Her sister meanwhile has had to listen to complaints any time she asked to mind the GC for 3/4 hours and then reluctantly does it. Her daughter tries to get them minded by pil and other people. She has never offered to mind her GC despite knowing her daughter was dealing with a lot and could have done with a break.

Their mother is getting older and is beginning to have some health issues. She expects
her adult children and GC to call to her house. Meanwhile her adult kids and grandchildren are busy with school and extra curricular activities. She will also expect my friend and her sister to help her out long term so she can stay out of a nursing home.
The same woman has money but won't help either my friend or her sister out financially.
My friend is making plans to change her job and once this happens she won't be as available for her mother when she needs care.

If your parents or pil are not willing to make some effort for you and their grandchildren I don't think they should expect that you can drop all as they need care as they get older.

If my ds was 'vomiting with stress' at the arrival of a new baby and a partner who needed care I would not be too impressed. I might help, but I would also for sure tell him to grow up.
Also, I would be very wary of getting over involved in the future, because anything that starts with the sort of expectation that you drop everything and run to the rescue is not going to end well.

@strawberriesarenot wow you are not a nice person. I was going to go into a bit of detail about my medical emergency but decided I can’t be bothered with trolls.

I think maybe you are my MIL lol.

Oh well, sorry, that was a bit harsh. I apologise.
I grew up in a family of helpless men.
But I'm sorry you were so ill, and that I was so unkind.

Yeah I think you’d have to be heartless or have some kind of disordered thinking to not want to help your own child and leave them to suffer at a difficult time. I agree if you don’t want to look after your grandchildren that’s absolutely fine. But don’t expect any relationship if you don’t make an effort to at least spend time with them. You’ll always be strangers but if that’s what you want then it’ll be your loss, you’ll die alone probably. You’ll being the non existent grandparent.

What a sad thread. My FIL and his wife have little interest in the GCs but they have to put up with us visiting periodically. Long distance, so that makes it a lot easier as in there's no expectation to see each other all the time. I want my DCs to know their family even if it is all a bit polite and distant.

Living nearby relatives who are so cold must be depressing. Are your BIL and SIL warm and welcoming?

@AntonineWall it is depressing. What gets me is the comment about how their granddaughter won’t give hugs and kisses and generally clings to our legs. What do they expect to happen? Yes the rest of the family are nice. The BIL and family tend to keep themselves to themselves. They are further down the line have learned to not ask for any help. Everyone is just polite and it’s strained and odd.

I've stopped making an effort (my parents this case) they have seen them 1 time this year despite living close by. I let them know of school things by text (they haven't come yet)

This remark reflects poorly only upon yourself.