In-laws don’t really bother with grandchild, should I bother to make an effort?

[Blackpen]

They don’t really bother to do anything. I think they’ve been over 2 times in the past 1.5 years and only live 10 mins away. They are well and healthy and there is no physical reason why they don’t come. They don’t offer any support or help even when we ask. We will get a let’s see what we have planed then will 99 percent of the time say no. In fact they booked a holiday over my c-section due date. They are decent enough when we go over but I don’t enjoy going as it’s clear they aren’t that interested.

When we visit our bubba just cries and clings as they spend so little time they don’t recognise them. I’m personally starting to feel like they don’t particularly care. Should I ever bother trying to keep them in the loop? They are just odd to me.

My parents and in laws are similar, they both put in little effort to visit (in laws better than my parents though).

My parents are always happy for us to visit but not the other way around. We drive 40 mins to see them.

The in laws live an hour and a half away. They occasionally visit us.

My siblings and my husband’s siblings put no effort. DD doesn’t recognise them.

I try to enjoy when we visit whoever and put effort to maintain a nice relationship by celebrating birthdays and the big events like Easter and Christmas.

But if we want our own family time I won’t organise a visit for that week. If anyone wants to see us, I figure that the road goes both ways. Otherwise they can wait another week or two.

I could have wrote this 15 years ago. PiL went on holiday when I was due for my C Section. Didn't get in touch once whilst they were away and didn't visit when they came back. Child was 6 weeks before they met and that was because DH went to them.

They never babysat, or rang or text to even see how any of us were. Never bought a present apart from a token gift at birthday and Christmases. We then had another child and was pretty much the same.

However she did have other grandchildren she was heavily involved in. Just didn't bother with ours. She now has no relationship with our fist child and hardly one with the second. MiL does act surprised when DC 1 doesn't want to engage with her amd can't understand her lack of interest for 15 years is the reason why!

I would stop bothering. People like that rarely change and unfortunately we can't make people want to care for their grandchildren. Just look at it as their loss and try to move past it, as sad as it is.

Should also add she's been to our house once in 6 years when we first bought it to have a nosey. Never been since, its always us going to them.

@SillySeal I wondered for a while why book a holiday over something so important as your grandchild being born. Is it a way of showing you they are not available to you. Is it done without much thought. Maybe they just don’t know how to deal with the emotions so disappear. I can’t get my head around it.

The birth of your child is important TO YOU. Not all grandparents are excited to meet their grandchild. Some grandparents go overboard, some can’t stay away, some meet little one just after birth and call to see him/her infrequently as they grow, some take over daily child care duties and some are just not interested from day 1.

There is no rule stating that grandparents must take an interest in their grandchildren’s lives. They are not interested. It’s up to you if you want to maintain a relationship with them or not. Your DH’s relationship with his parents shouldn’t be solely based on what they do (or not do) for his D.C. After all he had a relationship with them pre dc

@NosieRosie exactly they are the parents of the son having his first child. I don’t understand personally how they wouldn’t want to support him and be available just in case. I mean it did happen. I had major blood loss and a longer stay and he struggled big time with what he saw and his parents were no where to be seen. He does have mild adhd, it doesn’t affect him too much but he did need support. He people pleases them a lot. They come and go when it pleases them.

Why do you maintain a relationship with someone when the other side isn’t interested?

I feel like I’ve lost respect for them. They don’t support their son or their grandchildren so what’s the point of them? You go say hi nice weather, garden looks nice and go. Toddler runs from them. Son asks for help and gets excuses. It’s not really a family it’s like strangers.

My ex MIL visited a few times a year (twice maybe 3 times)but I felt it was out of a sense of duty rather than wanting to spend time with her grandchildren. She’d buy them presents for birthdays and Christmas. She didn’t come round for DC’s birthdays mind. She just gave DH a card and present to give them. She babysat once for us to attend my sisters engagement party and just about knocked us over as we were coming in. She couldn’t get away fast enough. The D.C. were in bed before she arrived so she wasn’t frazzled by caring for two small children.

Ex DH used to visit his parents weekly. Sometimes he would take the dc sometimes not. They only lived 5 mins away. I guess he wanted to see his parents just because they were his parents 🤷‍♀️ I had no wish to make an effort to visit her but I didn’t stop DH. I left it up to him.

When dc were teenagers (me and dh had split by that time) she used to phone to ask if one of them could go to hers to do jobs - cutting the grass, washing the car, take the dog for a walk etc I just used to tell her they were out or busy. She wanted to know them when it suited her.

It doesn't work like that!

@NosieRosie I suppose we were unlucky in the in law department. It sometimes makes me a bit sad to see friends that have the most amazing and supportive in laws and we get nothing. It used to make me sad like it was something about me but now I can see the relationship with their own children is unsupportive also. It’s a them problem.

It’s probably nothing to do with you. Some mothers just don’t have a maternal instinct. Before we had dc we used to visit the in-laws and they were fine. No fallings out. She never showed any excitement or interest when I was pregnant with my first so I guess she just had no time for children.

My second MIL was brilliant with my dc, who had no blood tie to her. Me and her had a great relationship.

Dont blame yourself if you’ve not fallen out with her. Distance yourself and let your DH make his own decision about visiting her with or without D.C.. They are not your responsibility. Life’s too short to be worrying about people who are are simply not worth it ❤️

Their behaviour is perfectly normal to us as the three sets of grandparents my daughter has behave like that. We’ve accepted that there very casual relationships and have focused on building support networks elsewhere.

You said your OH was sick with stress when you were unwell, what was your mother doing during this time? If I knew my daughters OH was feeling like this I’d want to help in any way I could, even if it was just paying for a takeaway or some ready meals to be delivered.

@NosieRosie no she definitely doesn’t have it. My mum is rubbish emotionally but she does offer physical help, which is always useful and it comes from a good place.

@Pinktankmy own mum had my eldest daughter from previous relationship for 2 weeks. Her health is not great so she did more then she should really.

My mum and stepdad's relationship with their grandkids is the same. They only ever looked after one of ours and that was begrudgingly when they didn't have a choice because I was giving birth to DS number 3.. I stopped asking them to babysit etc eventually because I found the rejection too much to deal with.
My in-laws on the other hand are absolutely fantastic! We still have school age DS. They are always on hand and will help out whenever we ask. The kids have always loved going to the in-laws.
I didn't stop visiting my mum but my kids were always bored when we went there.
We have our own grandkids now and like my in-laws, we are hands on grandparents. They have a bedroom at our house which is full of toys and there's usually one of them here at a weekend.

Why do posters keep saying “there is no rule” that grandparents should care about the children of their children? Of course there is! It is called human nature and its the product of evolution: we aren’t plankton, or nematodes or box turtles for god’s sake. We are mammals and primates who developed in such a way that our young are altricial—born with high care needs as brain and body take years to mature.

It has even been theorized that there is a relationship between the human tendency to outlive fertility (elderly grandparents in ither words) and the development of the extended infancy/dependency of children since available grandparents meant our ancestors could have childcare and hunt and forage more successfully while children continued to develop.

People who lack interest in their own children, and their children’s children, are running against millennia of human development and counter the evolutionary imperative to perpetuate the bloodline.

@pikkumyy77 that’s how I feel also. I wonder what has caused them to be so disinterested. Maybe some previous trauma or lack of empathy

Yes: it’s basically chemical at the start and sometimes a maternal brain lacks the chemicals or connections that turn on maternal care. And sometimes the male has a different strategy to perpetuate his genes. But its inbuilt to care and a bit sad, not to say defective—to not care.

This cool/indifferent style is also sometimes a cultural thing—as anyone reading the Earl of Spencer’s book about his childhood can see.

@pikkumyy77 ive heard stories from the MIL that she in the past left their child to scream strapped in the car seat for hours so they could complete tasks. I could not have done this because it was cause me anxiety and I’d have to act to make the crying stop. It didn’t bother her.

I wonder how she's going to feel when she's left to scream and cry because no one has any empathy for her?

They never learn.

Maybe they dont want to intrude or they have busy lives.
I hardly saw my grandparents as a kid. Didnt love them any less

My grandparents all lived in different cities—or even for my formative years another continent. We did not have any video or other chances for communication in those days. But when they were present they were really present and showed so much love and respect for my parents that I naturally loved them. Its a question of how cool and distant the relationship is—not how physically distant the people are.

I guess I’m just of the thinking that love isn’t just a given thing. You have to have some kind of connection otherwise it’s just a word. I thought it was supposed to take a village to raise a child. I found it to be very isolating on the whole.

It does take a village but lots of people don’t get what they need or deserve.

I think you will feel better when you mentally discount them—like marking something down for a quick sale.

Just don’t take any responsibility for their relationship with your child. “You get out what you put in.” This should be your mantra. Next time they complain that your child doesn’t go to them don’t accept the criticism—lean into it. Say “yes its odd because she has such a lovely warm relationship with other people!”

My IL's were like that, never called never visited & didn't show much interest when he was 9 months I stopped taking him to visit & they didn't contact us for 4 years, they said they wanted to start seeing him again so we took him once or twice a year, again they made no effort when we visited and made no telephone calls or visits in between, my son is now 18 and couldn't care less about them! They now have 2 other children aged 3 & 5 who they look after 3 times a week, if we do visit it's all we hear about tbh I wish I hadn't even bothered