I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas.

Have you actually been diagnosed with 'borderline OCD'?

YABU. It is his home too, he is an adult - why does it have to be all about your rules? He doesn't sound unclean to me - perhaps could do better, but there has to be a degree of compromise somewhere. Either live and let live or move out.

My husband does all of these things.

Anyway, with the toilet/bathroom slipper issue, if the bathroom floor is clean, there is no need for bathroom slippers.

If he's sleeping in boxers, just ask him to get a clean pair, rather than that day's boxers. My dh sleeps naked mostly but sometimes wears boxers. It isn't a problem.

It does sound like you have OCD. If a tiny speck of toilet water/a teeny particle of shit gets on you, it will not do you the slightest bit of harm. My step father didn't bath or shower for the last 10 years of his life. He didn't want to and wasn't that mobile. It didn't do him any harm though and he died after a fall, so completely unrelated to a germ issue.

In your position, I'd ask him if he could do a proper handwash after using the toilet, wear clean boxers to bed and you both could keep the bathroom floor clean. Then you will have nothing at all to worry about - it is all intrusive thoughts, not an actual germ problem.

OP, from your other recent threads, your OCD is instrusive and severe; it’s slightly worrying you still think it’s your DH who is unreasonable after numerous people on multiple threads advising your otherwise.

I’d go back to the GP and try the help again. This can’t be a nice environment for your DC either

One of my children has OCD - we were told by a senior consultant in OCD in children that the most vital thing is never, ever to give in to the worries - because they will then start to spread. ie. if you allow them to control one thing - their brain will get more anxious and will seek more things to control.

I can't bare clutter. Im not exactly ocd about it but I'm definitely more relaxed with order in the home. My DH office room. (he works from home) often looks like Paddy's market & just going in there makes me wobble. The point is I would never dream of taking my idiosyncracies & dislike of this room affect our relationship because he knows where everything is and hates it if I interfere. Occasionally I will urge him to tidy up & he does but I'd never force him. As far as your issue goes OP I dont see your DH as having any hygiene issues at all. Bathroom slippers are something I'd never impose on others & clothes on the floor are annoying but not a deal breaker. As far as what he wears to bed. As long as its clean and he's washed his hands & privates he can wear what he likes. I do feel sorry you suffer with this but to be honest you should be thankful this man isn't running for the hills, many would. I hope you can find a way to overcome this illness. It sounds extremely difficult for you both.

He is worse than most men, but not much.

Re-wearing clothes that have been on the floor is strange, but the other things are normal.

Yes, well I’ve visited a few countries where the floor is all too likely to be covered with urine.

Unless you seek therapy, your marriage is over. Your husband shouldn’t need to accommodate your unreasonable thresholds.

Inside private homes?

Nobody is suggesting you walk barefoot in public toilets. That would indeed be pretty grim.

You sound insane and I wouldn't put up with these demands from my partner.

Yes he should spend a moment longer washing his hands after going to the toilet, but nothing else you described is particular unusual

I’m wondering what kind of therapy you’ve had, OP. Cognitive therapy can be very good for OCD, psychotherapy less useful IMO. It’s worth having another go if you have had CBT as it sometimes takes a few goes. Don’t give up on it.

I think your husband needs to understand your condition better. How is he supporting you with this? Given that you are living together you need to find a way through this that works for both of you.

I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.
We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds

Do you mean when he has a pee?
Does this mean you think his penis is dirty and he needs to wash his hands after touching it?

I don't know any men who wash their hands after having a pee at home.
Our loo handle is cleaned as normal when the bathroom is cleaned.

If anything, men should wash their hands before having a pee, as their penis is more clean than their hands!

How does sex work for you if you are so OTT about bodily functions?

Yes of course you are. It's emotionally abusive behaviour. Get proper help for this or leave.

My husband and adult son always wash their hands after weeing.

I think in the context of cultures which have a lot of low to the ground or floor based activity it makes sense.

I really like the idea of balcony slippers 😅😅

I think your husband needs to understand your condition better. How is he supporting you with this?

How, specifically? Given that following OP's rules is exactly what he shouldn't do, and that's what she's unhappy/complaining about?

Very very very unreasonable. Poor bloke. You must be so difficult to live with. What the hell are bathroom slippers for a start! He's a grown man let him wash his hands how he wishes. You must know you're in the wrong. You can't help feeling how you feel but you can stop yourself taking it out on your husband and giving him ridiculous rules. It's abusive. If it was a man doing it to a woman everyone would say so.

Hello these are symptoms of contamination ocd, which is very treatable. Please be self compassionate, ocd is very complex .

I think your husband needs to understand your condition better. How is he supporting you with this? Given that you are living together you need to find a way through this that works for both of you.

It seems the only way it's going to work for the OP, is if her husband does exactly what she says at all times?

That's no way for any couple to live.

Is this even real,

you lost me at toilet slippers. Not handwashing after the toilet… ok but not wearing specific slippers for the batheoom get a grip

You sound very unhappy and your husband must be too. I think unless you can get therapy or realise that you are the one with the issue then you may have to reconcile yourself with living alone.

I had a friend who lived with me for 18 months who sounds similar to you. She turned her nose up when I put a suitcase on my own bed ffs. She once quizzed me at length when my ds2 went for a wee twice in half an hour (it was summer and he'd drank a lot of water), she didn't believe me when I said he was just having a wee, she'd convinced herself that he had a tummy bug and I was lying about it. It was completely exhausting. Funnily enough she never did any cleaning and left her room a dirty mess when she eventually left!!

Most people re-wear clothes don't they? Also,I notice you said he throws his 'clean' clothes on the floor and re-wears them. Don't most people do this? Do you wash all your clothes after every wear? What about your toilet slippers - do you wash those after every wear too? This all seems very stressful to me

Today I discovered toilet slippers are apparently a thing.

Toilet slippers, that's a new one!