I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

I think you need to deal with your OCD, not have your husband change his normal behaviours to follow whatever rules you decide for this week/month etc. Or you could leave your marriage and live alone, because honestly I don't know where you will find a partner who will follow your exacting rules and put up with you telling them they are a containment or gross.
Unless you decide to hook up with the previous poster who insists everyone changes on entry to their house, again on entering the bedroom, and changes slippers in different rooms.

What the actual fuck is a toilet slipper?!

@Cappuccino17 you are the problem, your DH is fine and a saint to put up with it all. You need to try harder to get help with your OCD.

Your husbands hygiene sounds perfectly normal to me. Do you expect him to do a ten minute surgical scrub after each toilet visit?
Wearing clothes more than once is normal, sleeping in underwear is normal, he doesn’t need shorts too.
I couldn’t live with you, I’d feel insulted. And as for the other poster who expects guests to wear toilet slippers and change into ‘ indoor clothing’ I’d leave you well alone. Especially if they’ve been worn by others, even if they have been washed.

Ok now I’ve got ocd. “A walking scaffold for bacteria” 🦠 🤢

See your GP pronto!

She’ll get more visitors to begin with .

OP I think you need help with your OCD

I feel sorry for you poor husband who does not appear to be doing much wrong. On the other hand your OCD is out of control, you need medical help.
If I was him I'd leave.

The whole outside/ inside clothes thing is bizarre unless you work in construction or with chemicals then what exactly are you worried about being on clothes if you pop into the shop? Don’t you open windows in house to let in air from the … outside.

OP as far as I am aware if this is OCD then I believe it is the recommendation for others to change their behaviour to accommodate you because it’s is found to exacerbate the OCD. Maybe another trip to GP is warranted here just to see what is going on.
Your husband doesn’t sound like he is an unclean person.

God almighty you'd hate living with us! You want him to go to bed dressed practically?! And toilet slippers!? What the fuck!?
He's a bloody saint! 😂

What's changed?

If you're married, you must have been together for a few years at least. Has your husband changed and stopped following your rules? Or is it only more recently it's started to bother you this much?

In the kindest way, I really think you are the one BU and that maybe you need some help and support with your OCD. Therapy is hard, sometimes you have to try a few different therapists to find the right one that can help you.

Everything you've listed doesn't sound like something I'd consider my husband unclean for, I know my husband washes his hands and it would never cross my mind to police it or check up on him. I wouldn't wear outside clothes in bed, but I do sit on my sofa in them. I also can't see a difference between underwear and shorts to sleep in, but a lot of people sleep naked and that wouldn't bother me either, and I don't consider myself unclean.

Well this isn't in AIBU but in my opinion yes you are. It is your problem and unfortunately now it is your husbands problem because your issues are affecting him too. In my opinion also, there is nothing wrong with his hygiene - its pretty normal. I have never heard of toilet slippers. And much as his 'behaviour' bothers you, I'm sure your behaviour bothers him just as much.
My husband has OCD and I will not pander to his requests because it isn't my issue and going along with it reinforces to you that you are 'correct'. You very much need some help with it. You are both suffering due to your issues.

I don't allow outisde clothes indoors either and I expect my partner to get changed into bedroom clothes, so no lounge clothes in the bedroom. I also expect my partner to wash his feet & shower as soon as he gets in the house and change into indoor lounge wear.

Where do you keep all of these different sets of clothes? Genuinely interested

Are people actually OK sitting on plastic-covered furniture? I would feel so strange about that. I wouldn't visit again, but perhaps that's the point. Not wanting people in your home.

OP this is not normal, you need to try to seek help again for your illness. Good luck.

I think the hand washing for a few seconds isn’t enough.
The toilet slippers are unreasonable and I would say extreme… I think you likely have ocd but it’s difficult to separate what are reasonable hygienic requests and extreme ones. The clothes on the floor for example are also not particularly tidy but I wouldn’t put this in the same category as not washing his hands after the toilet.

I think you need to speak to your gp about stress and triggers /ocd and also lay down some ground rules with your husband.

I think it’s worth considering aswell that if the lack of handwashing is a real issue for you - whether he believes reasonable or not - it would be a small price for him to pay to improve your quality of life.. you don’t say this in your posts but I wonder if part of the problem is you feel he doesn’t care about your feelings… which it sounds like he doesn’t too much tbh. X

Wearing "toilet sandals" seems to indicate that the floor of the loo is covered in urine.

Surely if you keep your toilet floor clean, it doesn't matter what you wear on your feet? It takes me less than 5 minutes to clean the toilet floor, quick spray with antibacterial cleaner and a cloth. You can even buy floor wipes if pressed for time

Some cultures do have “ bathroom slippers” which are separate from household slippers for rest of the house. I stayed with a friend when she was studying in Japan and this was the norm.

1. He needs to do his share of cleaning and not leave clothes on the floor
2. you can't expect him not to distance himself if you view him as a contaminant
3. you are incompatible with each other
4. get therapy or leave each other

@Jerusalemaa so curious about the toilet slippers - what’s the reason behind the tradition?? I am assuming you have a normal toilet. Why is there an expectation that the bathroom floor be particularly dirty or a different range of germs than the rest of the house? Or is it to do with humidity? x

This is a mental illness OP. OCD 'leaks' into other things> if he allowed you to completely control his behaviour you would become more anxious - and you would find other things to be concerned / worried about - that is how OCD WOrks. it's like a poison.

Even if he was less hygenic than you - it's not something that in most people would cause distress like this.

Your love for him should be greater than your fear of bacteria (most of which is not harmful to you at all) ! But it isn't because you have a mental health problem.

Yes YABVU

Hand washing is a fair enough expectation, although I wouldn’t police my adult husband about it, and if he did that to me it would cause problems in our marriage (the policing, not the washing). If he’s washing with soap after going to the loo and it’s still not good enough for you, it’s definitely a you problem.

Toilet slippers - never ever heard of this in all my long life before, I’ve traveled annd lived in lots of different cultures and it’s definitely not a thing, and it sounds super weird that you expect this.

It’s entirely normal to re wear clothes if they’re not stained or smelly. You must waste a huge amount of power and water in your house doing so much laundry with not a single fuck given to the environment.

Kindly, your DH is completely right and it’s you that’s the issue here. I think you’d be best to seek a proper diagnosis and support for your OCD before it ruins your marriage.

Toilet slippers?

I'm South Asian, all my relatives have bathroon slippers. Ablution is also a part of preparation of prayer and feet have to be washed and then kept clean and dry, because you then step on to a prayer mat, which has to be kept pristine.

Maybe it stems from living in hot countries where the bathroom was traditionally outside of the main house.

Plus I don't want to get my socks wet after someone has had a shower and the floor is not fully dry.