I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

Bluntly, your husband’s cleanliness (sounds relatively normal, I wouldn’t consider him unclean) is not the issue, your mental health resulting in a baseline that is far too high, is.

You need to work on yourself, rather than asking your husband to conform to your OCD.

Your marriage will end if you don’t get yourself help. I have OCD, yours is so far gone that you need medication and therapy, it will destroy your relationship. Been there, done that, got the T and am very slowly coming through the other end now

I wash my hands after using the toilet, before preparing food, touching babies, the usual things and I would expect a partner to do the same. Your partner sounds normal but maybe spend a bit longer on the hand wash after using the toilet. I would expect guests to remove shoes in the house. I shower before going to bed but re-wear clothes. It was the way I was brought up probably because my mother owned a twin tub and only did laundry once a week. Never heard of toilet slippers which seem a bit redundant as unless you live alone, there will be other people bringing their germs into the bathroom. Also, bacteria in the bath/shower which would transfer to the floor. A waste of time unless clean slippers each time. You could only continue with all your routines if you live alone.

Rewearing clothes is normal.
Being barefoot in the bathroom is normal
The wearing short vs underwear. I have to say I dont see the difference between them. But many people sleep naked 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

The only one where you could have a point is the handwashing

A ‘contaminant’? Please seek help for your OCD, this must be very hard for both you and your DH.

I have OCD.
You have OCD. It's shit and life controlling. See the GP x

Honestly - if I were your husband I'd seek to end the marriage. I couldn't live with someone who saw me as a walking germ and who didn't really engage with seeking help for their serious issues.

Oh my god please just get a divorce. Life is too short. She should not be made to feel like some hideous hog in his own home when he sounds like a pretty normal bloke - let him move on and not be subjected to the trauma of your constant personal criticism.

secondly, toilet slippers are not normal - did your mother or father have neurotic tendencies?

thirdly, you quite clearly have ocd. I have ocd so I get it and it’s no judgement. But when you’re questioning whether you are too much of something, you likely have a problem. You being more hygienic than him is fine…but in that case; the normal title for this post would be “my husband is a slob and it annoys me”. You’ve gone as far as to label a human being a “contaminant”. That’s not normal. You need serious therapy.

And to get rid of the husband you clearly don’t like and/or love any more.

YANBU, OP.
I have OCD as well, "manage" it by self help and fell very similar.
Nothing to be embarrassed about.
Looking forward to live on my own.
(Child free).
🤝

No I wouldn't think they were unclean. The energy lies with you I'm afraid. I sleep in a sleep dress, like a pajama dress with knickers on but as I sleep only my knickers touch the bed as the dress rides up obviously? How is it unhygienic to sleep in underwear??
I also don't thi k it's common practice to wash your hands for 40 seconds after going for a wee. I thi k most people do a quick wash .

And yes I would also be cold if someone told me they found me unhygienic.
Say someone told you your breath stinks, obv you're going to be different around them. I'm going to be conscious to never breathe around there face anymore. So if it were my husband I'd be distant?
Surely you get that?

Honestly if your bathroom floor is so covered in wee that you need to change your shoes to enter, your first action should surely be to clean your bathroom floor a bit more often, not buy everyone a special pair of shoes to prevent them tracking piss through the rest of the house?

This!!!

Yes. You are very lucky to be single.
Full stop.

I did have a distant relative, she was very old and I was very young, her furniture was always covered in some sort of plasticy stuff and the runner from the front door to the kitchen was also covered, I still recall the constant crackling as I sat or walked!

Of course men should wash their hands after peeing 🤮 this is extremely basic hygiene!

I'm sat here watching my toddler thinking I hope you don't have kids as I don't know how you would cope.
He sounds perfectly normal to me. Only one I can say you could reasonably complain about is the hand washing but I don't think what he is doing is abnormal.
None of us own slippers at all, either bare foot in the house or occasionally shoes on if I'm going out imminently.
Most of my day to day clothes are stored on the floor to be honest- they rarely make it to the wardrobe! And I nearly always rewear clothes other than socks and knickers unless they smell or are visibly dirty, in summer it would be unlikely I would rewear a t-shirt for instance but otherwise fine.
My partner sleeps in boxers and I think that's completely normal, I know a lot of people sleep naked- it's not for me but it's not abnormal.
I get some posters points about culture but unless he and you are both from that culture it would be unreasonable to insist on him following those rules anyway, it's his house too.
Please get some help OP.

Different but I would not be that triggered, mine is very similar. I cannot change him (much) and he cannot change me at all, so we need to adjust how WE regulate our emotions towards each other. Or- you have to part ways. There is no point in living constantly "on edge"!

This is your problem. I am sorry you suffer from OCD and it impacts your life but I also feel very sorry for your husband.

He might solve the problem for you by leaving.

Fucking hell.

maybe she provides a hazmat suit?

I didn’t know it either before MN.
I also wonder how exactly someone would be able to tell whether or not their partner closed the toilet lid before flushing.

How can you ever have a visitor if you don't allow outside clothes indoors?

It doesn't look like OP's partner comes from your culture so there is no reason why he should follow those rules.

OP should try again to treat her OCD.

Because you'd see the lid closed.

I do this now, but only adopted the habit a few years ago and leads to frustration in public toilet that often don't have lids.

I don't think you're borderline OCD OP, I think you have real, diagnosable, proper OCD. And it's impacting your personal relationships. Please get some support x

Seeing the lid closed doesn't tell you when it was closed.