I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

I ask guests to remove shoes and wear beach sandals (we have loads) they are easy to wash, which I do after they leave.

If people come to visit and they're wearing tights or socks, they have to take them off and put on flip flops before going to sit on a plastic covered sofa? As a visitor I'd find that incredibly strange.

My friend's partner developed severe OCD and wouldn't go for help. In the end my friend became a virtual prisoner in their home because her partner couldn't deal with her stepping indoors in a coat or shoes which had been outside, he couldn't eat anything from a packet that hadn't been sterilised and on and on. Lockdowns and all the messaging from government at the time just exaggerated what he already believed to be true. It was the end of their relationship.

I'm being naggy moaning at him for flushing the toilet without closing the lid!

I genuinely didn't know you were supposed to do this before joining MN. But I haven't had a stomach bug in 25 years so I don't think it's hurting me lol

This!

What do you think happens if you don’t do all this stuff? Just curious…

he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
Erm ...

OP, this doesn’t sound any way to live for you or your husband. You anxious all the time and him walking on eggshells. He is also allowed to live how he wants to live and he doesn’t sound unhygienic or contaminating to me. So I really think you need to access treatment for yourself really, you sound quite unwell.

Nobody in my family dribbles pee on the floor or they get rollocked. I wash my floors regularly. Why do I need to cover my feet?

toilet slippers

🤣🤣

OP you haven't said if you have children, I am guessing not.
I would agree with other posters in saying that you do seem to have traits / thoughts / behaviours that would be consistent with OCD.
It isn't good for your husband to live with constant criticism / surveillance. It isn't good for you to feel so constrained. Of course all of us like a reasonable level of hygiene and cleanliness but there is a level where it tips into obsession and impacts mental health and quality of life. You do seem to be going in that direction.
Healthy humans can cope with germs . We are designed for it luckily. For example children who grow up in households with pets ( objectively dirtier germier households) are less ill. Excessive cleanliness is really not normal or healthy.
Hope you can find a way forward
.

My DH does all of the things your does but no, I dont consider him "unclean"
Normal is a relative term though

You called your husband a contaminant. You don’t have borderline OCD, you are so far over the line you can’t even see the line. You need to seek treatment for your husband’s sake and for the sake of your marriage.

I think what you are asking for is basic hygiene. I personally couldn't cope with someone not using house slippers and separate toilet slippers. I expect that from anyone who visits me, but its also the norm in my culture. Walking barefoot in the house/toilet and then getting in bed is just gross to me. To be honest, I don't think you are asking for much. I don't allow outisde clothes indoors either and I expect my partner to get changed into bedroom clothes, so no lounge clothes in the bedroom. I also expect my partner to wash his feet & shower as soon as he gets in the house and change into indoor lounge wear

I have never heard of any of this. We are barefoot in the house, due to comfort, not because we don’t allow shoes. If someone comes home and is going out shortly, they tend to just keep shoes on and we never make visitors take shoes off. We do generally wear slippers in the house in winter but that’s because our feet are cold. If we have to do a quick duck out to pick someone up, collect a package etc, we just do it in the slippers as who could be bothered to change shoes?

outdoor/indoor clothes? Showering when you come in? What? Is outdoors radioactive or do you encounter acid rain or something?

Honestly, I’ve seen sick people for decades. Never, ever, come across anyone where the cause of any illness was a weird set of rules regarding shoes/feet that had been breached, weird rules regarding indoor/outdoor clothes that had been breached, or because they ‘only’ wore undies and not shorts to bed🙄. I can guarantee absolutely none of this has caused illness in a person, and is not ‘dirty’. I’ve treated ‘dirty’ people, that’s completely different and usually they are homeless, severely mentally ill, or elderly without physical capacity and lack of social care. But someone who doesn’t have a complicated set of indoor shoes and indoor/outdoor clothes, nope.

This actually is sensible advice . The flush can send water droplets into the air than could contain fecal matter.
If you have toothbrushes etc in the close vicinity.....

Your husband is right, you do need more help

i note that you say the therapy didn’t work. So you’ve stopped? That’s not fair on your husband, he’s not doing anything wrong, that’s your illness telling you he is. You do need help, or this condition will ruin your life.

go back to the doctor and don’t give up until it’s better

you deserve this

It sounds as if the issue is your mental health, not your DH. He should wash his hands more thoroughly but the truth is we live in a world where many people don’t.

On every other issue your reactions sound as if they are based in your MH.

That’s not your fault but it would be sad if it destroyed your marriage.

I am sorry the help you have rd river so far has not been effective, maybe post on the MH board and ask what approaches people have found helpful? And seek further help.

Your DH might be persuaded to be more thorough wrt hand washing if he can see that you are also pursuing help with the overall ‘contaminant’ issue.

Personally none of those things would bother me.

I think the problem is you, and unfortunately even with therapy/help it sounds like your husband gives you the ick and we all know there’s no coming back from that.

I’ve never heard of this. I thought before reading this post that OP’s feelings were based on how she was brought up by similar parents instilling the importance of cleanliness to a high degree, but if you are from 2 different cultures, wouldn’t this issue have come up before you got married?

Did he used to change footwear in the early days to please you now has got more comfortable and can’t be bothered?
What is your attitude when guests visit your house? Do you have many visitors other than family?

I can totally empathise with your feelings about hand washing and contaminating other things in the house. I would and still do ask my OH if he’s washed his hands when he returns from putting the bins out, but if this is causing you to view him in a negative way and things are cold between you bc he doesn’t see the problem then the issue isn’t just how you view him, but now how he is viewing you, which has made the problem much bigger and more serious for your marriage. It sounds like your feelings won’t go away by themselves and that your DH thinks you are being unreasonable and isn’t willing to put any extra effort in, so I guess the 3 options you have are -

1. have a serious, calm conversation with him, explaining your feelings and how it is affecting your mental health - he may be willing to put the effort in short/long term

2. try therapy again - which I would strongly recommend any way for your won well being as I think you need more effective coping strategies to handle this issue as it will be affecting your mental health and is affecting your long-term relationship with your husband

3. Separate. Unless DH is willing to compromise, I’d say your views on this due to cultural difference are probably too ingrained for change. You will have both spent many years viewing it your own particular ways and expecting someone to adhere to things like changing footwear to go to the toilet each time, among other things is perhaps asking too much. Both of you will feel resentful - you for feeling you have to ‘nag’, and him only doing it semi-regularly if at all anyway; him for you checking up on him and telling him off for forgetting or lying about it etc. It makes a fairly minor issue into a massive one.

But unless you are content to live a single life where you have full control over your home, finding someone else who is on the same page regarding cleanliness is going to be a very difficult challenge I would assume.

Do you have children? Sorry if you’ve answered this already I don’t have time to read FT

OP, you have a you problem. I suggest that in order not to prolong the agony for either of you you need to end the marriage and divorce. He can find someone else to live more happily with and you can either live alone and never let anyone into your home again in order to be at peace, or you can get help for your OCD. But no one, man or woman, should be patrolled and controlled in this way by their partner.

YABU.
Your husband's hygiene standards are normal yours are over the top.
I couldn't live by your rules. If the roles were reversed he'd be accused of controlling behaviour.

Do you have sex with this man? Do you kiss him? Because if you share bodily fluids in these ways, you will be sharing millions of bacteria. If you are okay with that, then you can learn to be okay with the other things. And if not, you need to recognise that your OCD is preventing you from having any meaningful relationship.

You absolutely need more therapy and I would recommend CBT.

But he also needs to understand that this is a real and serious mental health condition, not nitpicking. I think there could be some room for compromises. Like, if he put on clean underwear before bed, would that help? You both need to be able to talk about the issue openly and honestly. You need to recognise that you are being unreasonable and he needs to recognise that it’s not easy for you to change. Be kind to each other.

If someone offered me house slippers or house clothes l think I’d just turn around and leave.

I mean how many people have worn those clothes? I find that more revolting than anything else.

genuine thing in |japan, absolutely normal. many foreigners get caught out by this.

What culture? <interested>

I know the Japanese think some of our practices are nowhere near clean enough but I've never read about anything as 'extreme' (to my eyes) as you're asking for

That would never work for children who always leave it till the last minute!

And how do you cope with the general grubbiness of children?