I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

No, in short.

I'm with you on people washing their hands properly after using the loo.
But takin clean clothes off the floor and rewearing them isn't unhygienic. Neither is wearing just underwear to bed, or walking in the bathroom barefoot. No, I don't think my DP unclean for doing these things. I do the same.

I say this gently: I think you need to seek help again. You can always tell the doctor your last therapy didn't seem to be for you; there are options.

Because you forgot to do it before and know your partner will complain.

Fucking hell.

Yes OP you do have a problem with what you expect and what is 'normal' and 'basic levels' of hygiene.

You need the help not your husband.

It sounds like you need to get help to overcome this. I used to suffer a bit with the germ ocd thing. Then I realised it does not help protect anyway. I have 3 dc and omg they are so germy!!! But anyway, when I let go and stopped making the antibac their hands/wash their hands like crazy etc they stopped getting sick. I swear, immune systems get much stronger when you don;t wash hands so much. I used to make them wash hands every time they entered the house and used anti bac gel as soon as they got out of school. But I let this go a few years ago (pre covid). I was even against them using anti bac gel on their hands during covid times.

My stomach just did a somersault 🤦‍♀️🤢
Totally agree with the sentiments though.

On the off chance this hasn't already been said:

You're not borderline ocd, you are indeed suffering with ocd to the extent its damaging your life.

From a therapeutic standpoint, your dh absolutely should not be colluding in your compulsions.

I have a pair of shoes near my balcony door that I only use for the balcony. Only for practicality, not because of 'contamination'.

Ah OK, but then that is someone sometimes forgetting rather than refusing to do it at all.

I have some of those canisters of disinfectant spray they used to walk up and down the cabin of commercial aircraft before disembarkation when the plane had flown in from somewhere dodgy. When I have guests I simply walk into the room like an air hostess, canisters held up above my head, one in each hand, spraying the whole room of guests. I do a circle of them room and then one long spray into the middle . I make sure I am discreet. 😉

OP I had a very close friend who had contamination OCD, it started as viewing a single person as "contaminated" and without proper treatment it snowballed over the course of a year until he needed admission to hospital for treatment. These type of thoughts cannot be reasoned with, we can all tell you that YABU but it's not going to change how you feel and think.

I think you need to seek treatment again, have you previously tried medication? Now might be a good time, especially if there is a long wait for CBT?

🤣

’due to local regulations’

OP you have problem, like a medical grade obsession thats effecting your life and you even referred to it as a trauma response.

Your DH is not the problem, your mental health is and you should seek help for resolving your trauma so that this will not impact your life (both with DH and in other areas) going forward.

You need help. Not your DH.

I think you are both being reasonable - you clearly have OCD or some sort of anxiety disorder and you therefore have things which you feel you "NEED" like toilet slippers, because you have a problem. You have every right to feel comfortable in your own home. However your husband is right that these rules you need are not necessary and if he doesn't want to abide by them he shouldn't have to. You either have to agree on things you both feel comfortable with or you need to go your own ways.

It reminds me of all the sniffy comments about baths being 'wallowing in your own filth.' Obviously I have no idea about the personal hygiene of the people who say that, but mine's exemplary, thanks, because I bath every day. No wallowing in filth in MY baths.

I sort of understand this Op, I notice when someone comes out after using the toilet really quickly and am wary of what they touch as think they cant have washed their hands, I am also conscious when people prepare food and dont wash their hands after touching raw meat and it stays in the back of my mind. To the extent when I watched CBB last night and Louis Walsh prepared a chicken meal and then just walked off after stuffing the chicken without washing his hands.

I also cant eat something if someone has double dipped to taste it, a friend invited me for lunch when I was younger, she was stirring a cheese sauce, then licked the spoon to check and then placed it back in the pan to stir, It made me feel sick, I may have a bit of OCD too, just thought everyone was like this.

I know about toilet slippers from staying in Japanese friends' households and in ryokan. I can kind of see the appeal of them. But no one in either of those contexts has ever required me to change out of 'outdoor clothes' into 'bedroom clothes', or made me sit on plastic.

Ok now I’ve got ocd. “A walking scaffold for bacteria”

Don't whatever you do google what happens to your body after death, then.

Do toilet slippers go in the washing machine or do they carry around remnants of poo particles and urine about the home.

This is normal. I feel like this about hand washing and double dipping too. What OP is describing is quite different

Oh OP, it really sounds as though you are having a tough time. You must find the distance that is creeping in with your DP really challenging and stressful.

I wonder what you can do in the first instance to try to look after yourself? Are there some things that help you to feel calm and relaxed?

I wonder if a two pronged attack would work here: 1. Explaining how you’re feeling to your husband and asking for support in short term. 2 Considering working with someone else to work through your fears.

In terms of how to talk to him, maybe follow the “When x happens (neutral language), I feel y. What would help would be z.” So perhaps, “When stress levels are high, I find thoughts about germs really hard to manage and start to feel anxious. What would help would be in the short term if you could do a thorough hospital hand wash.”

You will also need to listen and be receptive to how he feels. It will be really hard, but oh so worth it and going through this together will strengthen your relationship.

This level of focus on "hygiene" is a health own goal in every way. Your mental health gets poorer, as do your relationships with others, you actually get sick more because your immune system benefits from the general low level exposure to stuff you get from... just living, and if you live in too sterile an environment then you can develop autoimmune conditions where your immune system starts attacking your own body for lack of anything else to do.

Most people in wealthy countries wash more than is needed or beneficial for health; sociologists refer to hygiene as predominantly a "cultural fetish". If you generally wash your hands after the toilet, practice basic food hygiene and wash and change clothes a few times a week, you are doing everything that is necessary for health and cleaner isn't going to make you healthier; the opposite if you take it too far.

I'm with you OP. We have different slippers for the lounge, kitchen, conservatory, downstairs loo, each bedroom, and the bathroom. Slippers also have to be changed on a weekly basis. Hygiene must be taken seriously!

Are you Japanese/of Japanese descent OP?

I had never heard of toilet slippers so googled and it does seem to be the done thing there, but very unusual concept in UK. Maybe a culture clash?

The hand washing does sound like it could use improving, but the rest of it sounds fine. Kindly, I think this is your OCD talking rather than an issue with your husband.

YABVU

You saying your house but if you’re married then it’s his home too.

As someone who grew up with a mum like you, it’s only fair that you move out and end things.

He will be very miserable but because it’s a MH issue, he will feel guilty about ending things and so you need to be the one to do it.

I hope there are no children involved?
If you’re not intimate then I assume kids aren’t on the cards anyway, which in this situation is a blessing.