I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

Some of these are non negotiable though I.e. washing your hands after using the toilet

Your husband is behaving normally. This is a you thing, your basic hygiene expectations are not basic

Not washing his hands is gross

He does wash them, though, with soap. The OP just thinks he doesn't wash them for long enough. Listening out to try and work out how long your partner takes to wash their hands is not normal or healthy.

I agree. Absent OP addressing her mental health, the relationship will end

If you're not washing your hands for 20 seconds, you're not doing much. Is it that hard to practice basic hand hygiene?

I’m not saying it’s rational, just a feeling. But I think you could say the same about both perspectives here. FWIW I also wash my feet and socks

Toilet slippers in Asia are a rational response to wet and often dirty toilet floors. The irony of ocd sufferers insisting on these in dry and clean toilets!

I had no idea toilet slippers existed. Unfortunately personal hygiene is on him, you can't really tell him what to do without being controlling.

"you are so far over the line you can’t even see the line."

The line is a dot to her.

If a loo is like a ''wet and dirty'' place, then for sure, I'd be wanting shoes.

Those ''Squat '' toilets that are holes in the floor are pretty grim - and the flush can basically flood the place.

Any toilet shared with the 'public' can be really grim as well.
But a quick google of ''Toilet slippers'' shows them to be an actual thing even in clean homes.

It is very sad to see another human being as a "contaminant". Even worse when it is a loved one who now repulses you. Your husband doesnt sound like the one with the issue - I'd say his behaviour is fairly normal. The problem lies with your perception of normal hygiene, OP.

“ …the cause of illness was a weird set of rules regarding shoes/feet that had been breached” 😂😂😂😂

” the cause of illness was …. Because they only wore undies to bed!” 😂🤣😂🤣😂🥲😂🥲

I really wanted to write this earlier!

No, but why would you bother closing it only after flushing?

I couldn't help myself 😁

Some habits become culture. In Japan and south Korea, toilet shoes were an initial response to dirty toilets but even modern toilets retain an association with the unclean, so the toilet slippers custom continues. Wooden clogs used to be worn to toilets by the chinese in Singapore a few decades ago, now that is no longer necessary and most chinese Singaporeans do not use toilet slippers these days. I live in East Asia btw.

Yes I agree. I'd not obey @Jerusalemaa rules and I wouldn't go back. How rude to imply I'm "unclean" as a visitor. As a host, you're supposed to make guests feel comfortable, not hold them to totally unrealistic OCD standards.

I do take shoes off, but changing clothes and sofa covers? Nope.

Has anyone ever heard of anyone ever being slightly/seriously ill or dying and the reason for their illness/death being that "they never changed their slippers one night to go to the bathroom"? or "They didn't wash their hands for long enough"? 🤔

That picture was triggering even to me! Have a care for OP.

There isnt a single culture that I know where visitors are treated as contaminants with special clothes,shoes and sofa clovers for them, so I get a sense of someone trying to use culture as an excuse for very exacting standards.

Poor man
he's totally normal.
THIS is not

You are neither unreasonable or reasonable.

But you are troubled with your borderline OCD issues.

Yes, maybe your husband should be more diligent in his handwashing? But I suspect that even if he scoured his hands with bleach after every wee then some other cleanliness issue would raise itself above the parapet?

At the moment your needs/desires for cleanliness are knocking nails in the coffin of your relationship.

I think you need to address your own issues before it becomes separate rooms, a total breakdown of your relationship, him walking out.

I can see that your behaviour and attitude isn't deliberate but more of an affliction, a need, an obsession which you probably want to be cured of? It must be quite stressful for you.

All the best.

If you are in England, refer yourself to your local talking therapy service where a trained professional can help you work out if this is OCD or not. If it is OCD, your husband changing his behaviours to suit how you feel rather than any actual danger can only serve to make the OCD worse.

Sometimes therapy doesn’t work because either it’s not the right fit or it’s the wrong type of therapist.
This sounds like a significant issue in your relationship. From your description it sounds like you’ve recognised you have some very strong feelings about your strict rules. I’d really encourage you to look for a different therapist/ Clinical Psychologist who specialises in OCD and similar issues.

He does wash his hands, just not for the required amount of time according to OP.