I view my husband as a contaminant

[Cappuccino17]

I feel terrible saying this but I think my husband is unclean. He showers etc. But I am quite fussy borderline OCD due to past traumas. This is affecting our marriage a lot. I hate him touching things including me as I don't think he washes his hands much or for long enough after visitng the loo.

We had a huge argument recently because i heard the loo flush and he was out in seconds. I had to question if he had washed his hands at all. But i noticed he does a really quick soap rub and rinse and dashes. It has made me feel so uncomfortable but when i tell him he distances himself from me and tells me I'm nitpicking. I don't like him touching things in the home and me as a result and feel on edge. It obviously affects our intimacy too he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.
He chucks his clean clothes on the floor and rewears them, he also wears just underwear to bed which i hate and find unhygienic and wish he would wear shorts and lastly he walks in the bathroom barefoot and I've always worn toilet slippers from a young age and he won't listen. It all disgusts me a lot and creates so much tension between us.

Am i being unreasonable?

Yabu.

*Handwashing could be better.
*Wearing clothes twice even from floor common.
*underware to bed common.
*barefoot in toilet common.

You need to try again to resolve your own issues.

Sorry, that is not "basic hygiene", that's really controlling and obsessive demands. Outdoor clothes? Good Lord. I mean I've been out several times today, I'm going to run this afternoon. Nothing will be taken off or changed until I jump in the bath this evening. I'm cleaning the house too. I can't keep getting changed. I'd never be able to keep up with the washing!

Exactly, they might have closed it after flushing. Anyway, life’s too short 🤷‍♀️

This is a you issue and I feel sorry for your husband!

In the nicest way possible this is your issue and you should seek therapy.

Not washing his hands is gross, but I think that’s his only failing here.

Toilet slippers? Where are these stored? A line of slippers outside each loo?

I sleep naked, as does DH. I don’t see what’s unhygienic about that? We regularly wash ourselves and our bedding.

Yes, honestly this. I would hate it. Does he ever relax in his own home? Maybe he needs some therapy to tell him it's OK to leave.

Oh, bless you, OP. I think you've been very brave in posting.

Deep down, you know your OCD is raging and that you need help. It's not really anything to do with your DH.

My best friend of 20 odd years was at one stage, crippled by OCD with fears of contamination, intrusive thoughts, all of it. She could barely leave the house. But for the past decade or so, it has been so well controlled with the combination of an SSRI and therapy. I can hear it when she is spiralling and needs a medication review and I can hear the same circular, irrational reasoning in your post.

Please go to the GP and be honest about what is happening with you and how it is affecting your relationship and life. Treatments for OCD have moved on and you may need to try a combination of methods to find the right one to control your symptoms but it is perfectly possible. You don't have to live like this - there is hope.

Or what lies beneath the lid

Sorry Op but this is entirely your issue. Nothing you have said indicates there is anything more than a standard and reasonable level of hygiene. And I have never heard of 'toilet slippers' either.

You need to seek help for this or your marriage will not survive. And tbh if my husband ever described me as 'a contaminant' I would want to divorce him on that alone.

It does sound like you are obsessing about germs too much.

Obviously wash hands after bathroom visits, but it's said that bathrooms are cleaner than kitchens when swab tests are done.
Also...We have immune systems.

Unless immunocompromised for any reason, it sounds rather far fetched {eg wearing slippers in the loo}

Most people don't pee or poo on the floor.

It sounds like a basic incompatibility.

Easier to live alone?

What are toilet slippers?

''You need to seek help for this or your marriage will not survive. And tbh if my husband ever described me as 'a contaminant' I would want to divorce him on that alone.''

Definitely this.

I've never heard anyone described as a 'contaminant' before. Awful.

I imagine that your marriage is struggling already.

You need support to stop your condition deteriorating.

Assuming special shoes to only be worn in a lavatory?

Seems a bit extreme. Unless a loo is like something out of ''Trainspotting'', most loos are pretty clean.

I agree basically with this. Your DH's hygiene could be improved but I'd say its within the range of normal. Your obsession with cleanliness and hygiene isn't within the range of normal.

This

He should respect your concerns and be making a bit more effort on some things like hand washing , but the title of this thread gives you away. Contaminant!? Poor bloke.

YABVU.

he doesn't understand how much this affects our marriage now because he won't change his actions.

It's not his actions that are affecting your marriage, it's your behaviour that is, I don't really understand though, surely he's not just started doing these things?

Surely in this situation, the more he does the more you are going to need him to do, as your OCD is quite obviously escalating, if it will only make you worse and not better, he's right to not go along with it IMO.

Just imagine every day being told you're too disgusting to be allowed to touch things in your own home and the things you are doing aren't good enough, and then being blamed when it is quite clearly not you that has the problem. Your behaviour is domestic abuse and you need to address it immediately.

I think you are completely unreasonable. It’s no way to live, what are you worried you will be contaminated with? Don’t you ever do any gardening or anything like that?

Viewing your husband as a contaminant is not normal. You need exposure therapy for your mysophobia.

Tbh I think the issues lie more with you. You've already mentioned your past traumas so you may need help addressing them. Its sounds like he can't relax in his own home. Don't get me wrong, I'm a germaphobe and I suffer with emetophobia but that's my issue, not that of my husband and my kids so I have to deal with that and have help. Be thankful your husband wears pants to bed, at least thats something.

No I would not.
Kindly, I think you need help and should try again with therapy.
In my opinion, your views are very extreme

I feel so sorry for both of you OP . If your DH was posting here we would probably be telling him you were controlling and abusive . You really need help with your OCD , you have to go back to your GP .

No I would not view him as unclean. He sounds perfectly normal, average chap. And what the heck are "toilet slippers"? Surely to goodness unless he pisses everywhere apart from the bowl, these are completely unnecessary. I've literally never known anyone (U.K.) who has them? Is it cultural?

Your OCD is getting out of hand. You're not borderline, you're way over. You either need to get decent therapy and really try to tackle this or you need to split up and let your husband enjoy his normal life without such restrictions and obsessions and with someone who enjoys being with him, and being intimate with him.

Timing someone's handwashing, thinking it's dirty to wear underwear in bed, thinking it's disgusting to wear clothes two days running and insisting on 'toilet slippers' is not even remotely normal hygiene, OP. You don't have 'borderline' OCD, you have full-on OCD and you need help to manage it. None of this is rational and it's not fair on your husband.