DH came out as asexual

[Ace0fSpades]

Obviously, I have name changed.

DH told me two days ago that he's asexual.

I know what that means. I'm really not surprised, it was like a "well, duh!" moment.

Sexual things have always been few and far between, even in the early days. But we are very affectionate and physically hands on with each other.

We communicate very well.

But I'm absolutely reeling from this and I can't put my finger on why. Because it's also not something out of the blue. I've figured he probably was since we met.

I'm so confused.

I'm obviously not leaving. Not in a million years. He's my best friend. I promised him until death us do part. He doesn't want to end it either. I'm his best friend.

I just don't know what to think. How to feel. How to navigate this.

I can understand being upset at the realisation that your partner has no interest in having sex with you, even if it has never happened much before.

Why do you think he is telling you now? Does he want something to change, i.e to stop the little sexual contact you do have (if there is any)?

Could it be that you're worried about? That now it's out in the open he will want to withdraw completely from that side of things

It's all very final when the person you're married to comes out and says something that hasn't been vocalised but was always "the elephant in the room".

its something you have to live with if that's his decision. Or you don't have to live with it and you decide you can't continue. You can't change reality.

cant say I could ever accept it so I don't have any suggestions on how you should feel or what you should do.

Hopefully it isn't just an excuse that he's made up and is meanwhile planning to go elsewhere.

I am 100% certain he's not going elsewhere.

If you don’t know how to feel or how to navigate, just deal with each feeling as it arises, one at a time. Try not to put a template or expectation on yourself about how you should feel.

My guess would be that it would at least in part be a grieving process for what might have been, even if you mostly knew that wasn’t in the cards in reality. And like all grieving processes it probably won’t be linear.

I’d also guess there will be relief, release, a sense of closure, deeper emotional intimacy. And above all else some space for you to work out what you want, both in the relationship and more broadly in your life. At the very least, you’re going to get some capacity back. And you get to decide what to do with it.

I suppose it depends whether or not you are happy with a life without sex. Presumably this is the death knell for any sexual contact between you, which means no sex ever again for you if you remain married to him and don't seek extramarital affairs. That's a huge deal and not something to sweep under the carpet. If sex isn't something you want in your marriage and he has always known this, then it doesn't really matter. But if he has essentially trapped you in a sexless marriage, knowing all along that he doesn't want a sexual relationship but that you do, then that's quite a thing to get your head around.

What is your sexuality OP? Are you asexual? It doesn't sound so. So are you in agreement that for the rest of your life you won't have sex? What exactly do you and he view as sex? PIV? Anything involving genitals? When did he figure this out vs him telling you?

He's told you about himself, which is good, but it stops being about him now. Unless you're also asexual, in which case this is good news, the person whose wishes now should become highlighted (but not pressured) are yours.

Your reference to promising to stay with him in your marriage vows are redundant. He's basically broken the covenant because he promised to love and cherish you, forsaking all others. Or something similar. Everybody knows that "loving and cherishing" isn't only being attentive and kind, holding hands and cuddling.

You are not obliged to remain in a sexual relationship with someone who will not have sex with you for a reason that wasn't made known to you before getting married, whether or not he knew himself.

You're not obliged to deny your own needs in order to have a friendship. You can, it's totally up to you, but you don't have to.

And I'm not saying leave him. But I am saying that you would not be some kind of bad woman for saying that it's totally ok for him to be asexual, but your sexuality is something different. Just as it's unacceptable for him to be pushed into having sexual relations when he doesn't want to, it's unacceptable to force you into never have them ever again, when you're not asexual.

Effectively the relationship will enable him to live his best life, while you have to suppress an important part of yourself forever. And the only thing in a monogamous relationship that you can't get satisfied elsewhere. It's not something friends, family, work, joining a club can be a substitute for.

I've been through this, only it was me who figured it out (neither of us knew the term for it before) and he didn't want to admit it, but admitted he was the description! I felt so awful for the idea that I'd break the family up because I wanted sex. So I didn't. In the end we divorced for other reasons, but looking ahead to never having sex ever again was exceptionally bleak. How is it for you though?

Btw there are lots of people on here who simply don't believe asexuality is real. They think the man must have a porn addiction or a secret mistress or something. Of course some do. But some people are really asexual too.

I think if you have always accepted that your relationship hasn’t been very sexual then there isn’t a problem. I can see why you are reeling though when he’s told you that he has no sexual feelings for you. Me personally would give it hard to accept my partner didn’t fancy me as all tied up in your self esteem.

If your husband has a low sex drive that’s something that you have probably noticed already and it isn’t a sexual identity that he needs to adopt. He needs to get some physical checkups and investigate psychological causes. I don’t like people giving labels to every aspect of the human experience, but I’m sure there is a flag for the asexual identity so get one of those if he wants one.

I went through this with my second husband, it happened once in 12 years, he wouldn't discuss it really, he also was an alcoholic. I felt very trapped in a sexless marriage and my self esteem was totally destroyed, I left and divorced him. He remarried and has told mutual friends he has a great sex life now he's discovered the little blue pills.

It left me unable to trust again really.

If you're going to stay, make sure you definitely are ok with the prospect of never being intimate again and really just having a loving friendship. Wishing you all the best.

I’m sorry for your experience, the man sounds like garbage, so better off out of your life x

What do you want OP? Do you like sex? Have you missed it?

Is it the fact that he probably knew this when you got together and essentially pretended to have sexual desire for you in order to have a relationship with you, that's upsetting you?

That feels like cheating in a sense and must be upsetting to know that you're relationship was based on a falsehood.

Maybe it's the guilt that's forcing him to come clean now or maybe it's his desire to be his true self and take off the mask he's been wearing all these years.

Either way, it's very unfair on you and you'd be well within your rights to walk away.

There is no mention of children….

do you have children, if not, do you want children?

That would be the issue for me!

Deceitful behaviour!

Similar thing happened to 2 women I know.

First woman had multiple affairs ( not agreed between them), and they had a horribly dysfunctional marriage which lasted a long time ( nearly 20 years) but she had no children ( which she now regrets). They did have happy times, but in the end it was not a good marriage for either of them and they divorced.

Second woman struggled, and did temporarily separate from her husband after 10 years of marriage, round about the time her fertility window was closing. After a while, they got back together and are very happily married, despite the separation ( it lasted about a year).

so it depends on fertility, respect, open communication and many other factors.

I would be very angry if I had married somebody in the expectation of a sex life and they then revealed this was for the table because they had, in fact, never wanted sex. I would definitely see it as grounds to leave. I'd also feel I had been made unwittingly complicit in a horrible situation the times we had had sex and they clearly didn't want it - I would find that hard to get over.

That is assuming they have ever had sex - I am not sure from the OP whether she herself likes sex and wants it.....

Where have I said I didn't like sex? The infrequent sex wasn't from my side.

We are child free by mutual choice.

I don't necessarily feel deceived. I understand that that this wasn't something he understood before we got together.

It's just the idea that he's not attracted to me "in THAT way" that's confusing me.

I have always been very sexually attracted to him.

Plus, like a PP said, there's the thing of him always doing it just because I wanted it. That does feel very weird.

I'm not asexual, no. I'd accepted infrequent sex. You do compromise for someone you love. But, this is a something else.

I'm genuinely planning to stay because of all the partners I've had, sex aside, this has been the best relationship of my life.

Throwing it away for sex seems crazy. You just have to look at a lot of threads here to know that a good man is hard to find.

I'm obviously not leaving

Why obviously?

I'd be out of there like a shot, especially if we didn't have kids

If it makes any difference he's 35. I'm 36.

We've been together 5 years.

A good man is hard to find but I think you will find that your partner not finding you sexually attractive and not wanting that intimacy with you will eventually erode your self worth.

And at 36 that is a LOT of sex not to have

You can find a good man who likes having sex and finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you. I would not be staying in this relationship long term. You are house mates.

So are you going to open your marriage? If you like sex, it seems a big deal to just give it up.

This is my thought tbh.

I have a good man who is also an excellent and frequent shag

it’s not ‘pick your fighter: cheating abuser vs nice man with sex problems’

but if you don’t care and are happy having a sexless relationship- what’s the big deal? As long as you are happy

but it’s ok to not be happy. You don’t have to eat a shit sandwich because it only has a tiny bit of shit on it, and other people’s sandwiches are much worse