DH came out as asexual

[Ace0fSpades]

Obviously, I have name changed.

DH told me two days ago that he's asexual.

I know what that means. I'm really not surprised, it was like a "well, duh!" moment.

Sexual things have always been few and far between, even in the early days. But we are very affectionate and physically hands on with each other.

We communicate very well.

But I'm absolutely reeling from this and I can't put my finger on why. Because it's also not something out of the blue. I've figured he probably was since we met.

I'm so confused.

I'm obviously not leaving. Not in a million years. He's my best friend. I promised him until death us do part. He doesn't want to end it either. I'm his best friend.

I just don't know what to think. How to feel. How to navigate this.

OP - why wouldn’t you say if your H has had any medical checks to rule out causes of no libido?
And how do you know he is not actually closeted gay?

it is so weird to see someone your age so desperately clinging to this dysfunctional relationship. I am 15years older than you and can’t imagine what man i’d have to do it for.

Are you so low in self esteem that you think this is the best there is????

It is not a relationship at all if there’s zero sex or intimacy?

You should look into other experiences from asexual people because why on earth do they want to be in a relationship if they are not attracted to anyone? I find that strange

I mean has he just developed this?

You may well think it’s worth sacrificing but you are likening this to a relationship with no sex but this is worse than that, no attraction, no intimacy, no touching blah blah

Im guessing he is rich! Because otherwise what’s the attraction for you? Five years is nothing

OP you sounds quite defensive here.
If you are happy with kissing and scheduling in some sex acts then where’s your problem?

I could not stay with a partner who didn’t fancy me. I don’t think this is an unusual position to take at all.

I don’t think this will work out for you in the long term. But I guess at the moment you are thinking you can navigate round it all rather than face it. Maybe you think we’re all old fashioned and you have a more open mind. Only time will tell.

Take some time away to properly think this through and what it really means for you.

Sorry what’s the exam question again?

This is gross. So he's asexual, doesn't want to have a sexual relationship but you're going to have him hold his nose and "service you"? That's not meaningful consent.

This is a car crash of a relationship.

There's a woman on another thread, though, who's doing similar. She's talking about putting up with sex a few minutes every week not being enough to make her leave home.

OP, I, like you, am amazed by the torrent of replies - virtually everyone - saying they'd dump their partner if he said he was no longer interested in sex. Believe me, there are PLENTY of women who couldn't care less if their husband went off sex if the rest of the relationship was good. People put down spouses being 'best friends' as if it's a shameful thing - it isn't! So long as you are mainly content, then all is well, and your relationship sounds better than most people's here on mumsnet!

I think that's true @Notthehill but relatively few women would be happy to settle at such a young age and pre-kids, for an entirely sexless life. I mean, we could be talking seven decades!

@MurderousCheekbones The OP didn't say there was no warmth or intimacy, just no sex. There are plenty of women, even in their mid-thirties, who would be happy living with their soulmate, who they love deeply, in an affectionate, loving, caring, but non-sexual relationship.

Are you satisfied with your relationship, as it is, currently? If you are, then that's fine. If you are longing for increased sexual intimacy, then this tells you it's just not natural for him, and you need to have a think if this will work longterm.

Agree with PP that there are plenty of people happy in sexless relationships. Probably especially so in relationships where the sex wasn't good to begin with.

I totally agree with what you say about sex not being the be all and end all in a mutually loving relationship. I believe it is an important part, for connecting and bonding etc but it’s not the main part. Like you I’ve had my share of shit relationships so when someone comes along who ticks the majority of boxes you recognise they’re worth hanging onto, like you say. There are more important things than sex and I’ve always felt (pre this relationship) that if you base your relationship on this, it’s storing up trouble for the future. What if either of you gets ill for a long period? What if you go through a life event that affects your mental health and lowers your sex drive, or from medication? What if you become less attractive to your partner or they’re looking for something more exciting which you can no longer offer merely due to over-familiarity? What happens as you age? As I say it’s important, but to place a massive amount of importance on it is accepting that if you can no longer meet one another’s needs, through no fault of your own, then you’re both free, and expected almost, to look elsewhere to get those needs met. If you haven’t built up a solid foundation of love that isn’t mostly based around the physical then you have nothing to fall back on and keep you together.

It sounds like you are extremely understanding OP and that you’re both lucky to have found each other. Good luck with your relationship going forward x

Where are you hearing from all these women who would happily be celibate for life after 30?

OP how are you coping? DH is asexual and we met when we were young. Obviously cannot have kids if he cannot sleep with me successfully. We are like siblings. I do use toys. He is not interested.
Interested to hear from other asexual couples.