DH came out as asexual

[Ace0fSpades]

Obviously, I have name changed.

DH told me two days ago that he's asexual.

I know what that means. I'm really not surprised, it was like a "well, duh!" moment.

Sexual things have always been few and far between, even in the early days. But we are very affectionate and physically hands on with each other.

We communicate very well.

But I'm absolutely reeling from this and I can't put my finger on why. Because it's also not something out of the blue. I've figured he probably was since we met.

I'm so confused.

I'm obviously not leaving. Not in a million years. He's my best friend. I promised him until death us do part. He doesn't want to end it either. I'm his best friend.

I just don't know what to think. How to feel. How to navigate this.

If you are sexual, and want to have partnered sex, then this is a huge, huge colossal thing. A huge problem. There is a big difference between infrequent sex and no sex. And you won't be having sex in the future knowing now how he feels about it, will you?

The best case scenario is essentially that you slowly die inside, feeling rejected, abnormal, unsexy, unless or until you meet someone who makes that part of you feel alive again, and then you will almost certainly cheat. You are human.

No, I take it back. The best case scenario is that you get yourself some counselling now and take a real, honest look at what "til death do us part" with no sex means for you. And if you can really truly sign up for that. Because I gotta tell you, very few people can.

I’d leave. This sounds rubbish.

I enjoy sex when I have it.

But I have also gone years and years with no sex and didn't miss it.

I can take it or leave it really.

So if I were you, and he was as great as you say, I don't think I'd necessarily leave.

It's a shock, just take your time and see how you feel when the dust settles.

I’m not sure what it is you want from this thread OP?

You say I just don't know what to think. How to feel and that you are reeling but are determined to stay married and have accepted this state of affairs presumably for a long time?

If I were you, I would just focus for now on what your feelings actually are on this. Nobody can really do that for you. See a therapist maybe with some sexual credentials and experience if you feel really stuck. Explore that and take it from there.

Thank you all so much for your input. A lot of it has been very insightful.

There definitely is a lot to discuss and exactly what the boundaries are.

Sex means different things to different people. I'm learning this.

I know that never having PIV again won't be an issue. But, I can't have nothing.

Kissing is fine. I know that.

I must say I'm surprised how many of you have suggested I walk away

You’re surprised that women want to be bonked by their partners and wouldn’t want to give up sex at 30?

I think that knowing my husband didn’t feel sexual attraction to me would alter my feelings so much towards both myself and him. If he wanted to have sex but couldn't, eg illness or disability that would be different and we would stay married. But if he “came out” as asexual I would walk. One because of the deceit of marrying me despite knowing something so fundamentally huge about himself that impacts ME and my life. And two because I couldn’t cope with not being desired by my husband. It would eat me up inside.
A sexual partner as a FWB type thing or a fuck buddy wouldnt work for me either. It would be the loss of the sexual desire and relationship with my husband that would destroy the marriage.
I hope you feel you are able to be honest with yourself @Ace0fSpades it doesn’t matter how lovely a husband he is, he has deceived you and is now robbing you of a sexually fulfilling relationship. That’s not a great husband by any stretch of the imagination. You don’t owe him for being with you…

I'm surprised you're surprised. Without sex you're housemates. Many if not most women want more than that from a primary relationship.

Our marriage is now virtually sexless, v v infrequent due to surgical and health issues (my side) which mean DH can't climax without manual stimulation & I can't use my hands. We are working out ways around it with the help of LoveHoney (other sellers are available!).I'm 54 and I've always just liked sex - especially with DH. We have gone for long periods with no sex at all (longest was about 4 yrs iirc), and still managed to cuddle / be affectionate. But it was bloody awful and nearly broke both our marriage and my self esteem. It's taken therapy to get through it, and some boundary setting on both our sides.

All this is to say - you're only 5 years in, and still young. I would suggest that your DH get checked, just to rule out any issues with testosterone / prostate that's causing it. If, after that, he still has no interest then you need to work out how you will move forward together if that's what you want. Find a good sex therapist near you who can help you negotiate this and agree boundaries / how your needs will be met.

Sending a hug and a hand hold through what must be a difficult time xx

I must admit I wonder this too.

If this is op's real situation, I'm very sympathetic but the upside is, she's only 5y in and can withdraw from this relationship and is still young.

But I have noticed there's been a proliferation of threads on mumsnet lately that have been goading commenters into reasonable responses that are then framed as "anti LGBT".

It would be very reasonable for you to leave this man. This is not what you signed up for when agreeing to the marriage contract. It's not anti LGBT to say/do this.

[The other recent thread I'm thinking of is the one where someone wrote they were "queer" irrelevantly in a job application.]

That’s because some of us have been there (still there).

After five years I wouldn’t have thought about leaving. But 10…15…20 years on. It’s going to start to wear a bit thin OP.

No @NavyPeer, I'm not surprised women want sex.

I'm just surprised the default is walk.

We've built something. Why not try and make it work?

Because he doesn’t want to have sex with you. You either accept that or you leave, it’s really that simple.

If you feel you can do a life without sex, then that is up to you. But that you don't get how others would walk away, probably shows that it has never been as important to you as it is for others.
You're very generous with your empathy for him though, if he met you when he was 30, I'd say he's known for far longer than he's letting on - was he severely late to the party? Did he have no other experiences in the 10 years prior to you that may he given him a clue?
If you married him having not noticed, I think you're not into it much either tbf, it should of been obvious really.

You can absolutely try and make it work. But you haven't said you'll "try and make it work". You've said you're not leaving, no how, never. And that is going to strike a lot of people as... underestimating the consequences of something like this, especially when you are still very young and you have only 5 years invested, no DC and no desire to have DC.

If you are not asexual, sex matters. It's not something to be lightly thrown aside. Sexual incompatibility is a very, very valid reason to end a marriage, as anyone who's been there will tell you.

The thing is, he isn't thinking of trying to make it work for you. He has assigned a label to himself that is an identity, and a get out of jail free card. You can't request sexual contact, because he has told you he's asexual. That makes it not his fault and nothing to be done about it. You accept it because you love him, and live the next 45 years without that side of your relationship.

Only if he couldn't "come out" as asexual, if that wasn't a thing, he might be saying he has a low sex drive. He might then perceive that as potentially changeable, and go to the doctor to see if his testosterone is a bit low, or if he might be a candidate for Viagra or similar. He might pleasure you in other ways because what he has is an issue that he has, not that you have.

There have been times when I have had a lower sex drive than my DH, but I will give him a blow job or go along with sex that I don't object to but am not craving, because I love him and it's my issue not his. I would imagine 95 percent of women over about age 35 have done the same.

It's the framing of his issue that is a concern to me. It says "this is me, take it or leave it, I have no intention of doing anything about it". Fair enough, but say that before you enter a marriage with someone, and then chuck this kind of grenade into it. You are left in the unenviable position of being the bitch who walks out because of something he (in his mind) "can't help", or the woman who has to spend the next 40 years living with a flatmate and contractually unable to find sexual fulfilment elsewhere.

I don't intend this to be mean but as a suggested answer to why so many of us would walk away in your situation. It just seems quite sad to think of a woman in her mid thirties giving up on being desired sexually by someone she loves and whom she desires. During her prime sexual years. Potentially until the death of either one of you.

It feels like a huge sacrifice.

But it might be different for you. I would suggest just being open to your feelings changing over the next few months, which happens in all kinds of grief. You can't know how you will feel in 6 months or 6 years time so I wouldn't close the door to any option (just in case you are stubborn like me!)

OP - out of curiosity - this ‘coming out’ - was it after he has had extensive health checks to rule out possible medical causes of low libido?
He is not on any medications - specifically not on antidepressants?
No depression or past trauma?
Strict upbringing - issues with sex kr homosexuality?

All of this is to say - no/low libido is not always an identity - it can have an actual fixable cause. So - unless all those have been checked out and excluded - i’d have trouble believing his self identification. Sounds like an excuse.

As to giving up on sex at 36 - because you found the one and only ‘good one’ you need to hang on to - it’s really crazy.
You found a good roommate, not a good life partner, given that you are a healthy sexual woman who has decades of life (and sex) in front of you.

As you don’t want children - you can easily date and meet a partner who will be more than a good housemate.
Why are you so eager and desperate to hold on to him as of he is the last man on earth???

Because you can’t. This is not a relationship.

Five years isn't long, especially when you're only mid 30s. It's not long at all to be saying death till us part with no sex for what could easily be 50 years! You can be friends and still have a good relationship, but your DH should desire you. To settle for nothing in that department forever is just untenable for me. You're thinking you're different but wait till you meet someone where things spark. There's a whole lot of life to live yet.

(Also, and not to overlap with the 'husband just told me he was bi' thread, my friend who said he was asexual all thru his teens, 20s and 30s, fell in love with a guy in his 40s and is now unequivocally gay and far from asexual. Maybe that's a one-off, but still... Your DH may well be compatible with someone otherwise inclined, even if it's another asexual. But your own sexualities aren't compatible.)

Your h isn't trying to make it work. He's told you something that completely changes your marriage, and he's expecting you to put up with it?

Plus, you can have any number of friends. But you can only have one Romantic partner. And if he's just told you that he won't have sex with you ever again, then that's a huge part of your marriage vows gone up in smoke.

You can't have sex with anyone else. So he's basically a room mate.

But that's not what you married him for.

Why are you surprised? You're not asexual, so why are you happy to spend the rest of your life without sex?

And you say 'kissing is OK', what, a chaste peck on the lips? Because I'm assuming not those lovely long, passionate kissing sessions where you're building up to ripping each other's clothes off?

@Bumblebeestiltskin

No, I'm not asexual. But our relationship is built on far more than just sex. For me, sex has never been the most important part of a relationship. I have been in relationships where I ended it because of a sexual mismatch.

We're having a lot of deep discussions right now about what he can and is willing to do. I'll give him his due, he's trying hard. Some sex acts, for my benefit, are still on the table.

I'm happy to give up sex, to keep this man. For me, he is worth that sacrifice. Others haven't been.