DH came out as asexual

[Ace0fSpades]

Obviously, I have name changed.

DH told me two days ago that he's asexual.

I know what that means. I'm really not surprised, it was like a "well, duh!" moment.

Sexual things have always been few and far between, even in the early days. But we are very affectionate and physically hands on with each other.

We communicate very well.

But I'm absolutely reeling from this and I can't put my finger on why. Because it's also not something out of the blue. I've figured he probably was since we met.

I'm so confused.

I'm obviously not leaving. Not in a million years. He's my best friend. I promised him until death us do part. He doesn't want to end it either. I'm his best friend.

I just don't know what to think. How to feel. How to navigate this.

You’re mid 30s. Are you really happy to live the rest of your life without sex?

you made vows but so did he - something about worshipping you with his body.

I'm asexual too but I'm not married. I think it's awful to do that to your partner once you know.
He should at least give you the option of polyamory or an open relationship.
I would only marry another asexual but I'm not bothered about relationships.

Yes, you need compromise in a marriage. But are you making all of them? Because that's not great, is it.

Fucking hell. No sex for the rest of your life after just 5 years together? And you're still only in your thirties?

I think it's going to be exceptionally difficult for anyone to offer any advice that feels relevant to you, because that's not a situation that very many people would accept. You possibly need to speak with a counsellor or therapist to unravel your own feelings and reaction.

If I had been married for decades, had children and even grandchildren, and was in my 60s or so then maybe I could "write off" a decade of sex to preserve a lifelong partnership and family. But no, I wouldn't forego sex within my marriage for (hopefully) more than half of my life based on such a short history together and no shared dependents.

Exactly...it's actually a relatively short marriage. They have no children together and the op is still a young woman.

I'm making all of the sexual ones.

He's compromised plenty for me. Other areas.

Why have you posted this op?

What compromise has he made for you that is comparable OP?

Oh wow, OP. I’d have said it wouldn’t perhaps be a huge issue if you were both pensioners and had a long history together with kids etc…but at mid-30s? And only been together 5 years?! Absolutely no way I’d settle for this. Believe it or not you will find a man who gives you everything your current one does AND fantastic sex.
I would bet a significant amount of money that staying with this man is going to make you very very unhappy in the long run.

I’m not sure op … you are mid thirties and you are resigning to a sexless future .. I know on paper as everything else is good but we are talking potentially rest of your days no sex? This should have been something he brought up before you were locked into the relationship, do find this unfair on you.

Is he definitely asking you to stay celibate or could you have your sexual needs met elsewhere

I'm 46 and the thought of no sex NOW is horrific to me, there's no way I could have gone without for the last 10 years!

You're 36 years old and in a loving marriage but accepting you'll never have sex again?

You've got a long, tough life ahead of you, OP.

I'm obviously not leaving. Not in a million years. He's my best friend. I promised him until death us do part.

And did he not make any promises to you?

It might be that you will continue to be happy in the life you lead together and never want to leave him.

But at some point if the relationship feels lacking and you feel you need something more, that's completely understandable and normal.

You have a lot of years ahead of you.

I'm really sorry but I don't really believe in 'coming out' as asexual 🤨

Tenner says in five years he's married to someone else and having plenty of sex.

I don't know why you would do this to yourself; what a huge part of your life to give up on for someone else's preference.

Has he had his hormones checked? I'm not saying he's not asexual he may well be but I'm sure lack of sexual desire can be linked to low testosterone.

I don't think it makes a huge difference to your relationship. You are monogamous. You accept his low self drive. Although, will you
be happy with no sex? I personally wouldn't want a sexless marriage. Some people would be fine with it but sex is important to me. I think no sex would impact on my self esteem. I guess it depends if you want companionship or more.

I think you need to think really carefully about being without sex for potentially the rest of your life which could be another 60 years. I also think it would leave your relationship vulnerable to you meeting someone you have that sexual spark with and your marriage blowing up anyway. Does he propose you can find sex outside the marriage?

Oh, come on.

You need to do some more research about what discussions you need to have as a couple and also for you to understand it more so you don’t feel rejected/undesirable and you can realise that hun being asexual doesn’t mean he feels anything negative about you.

your conversations need to include what is acceptable for you to do in the future if you stay together and want sexual needs met somewhere.

This can work and be a great loving relationship you just both need to be on the same page and very clear about what’s going on.

What roes it mean for you? Is he expecting you to be sexless? How does he feel about you using sex toys? I hope he's not trying to restrict you. His choices are his. They should be imposed on you.

That's a hell of a compromise to make in a romantic relationship. I know I'd find it very frustrating, especially if he stills wants physical affection. I mean, where's he drawing the line? For example, can you still kiss him on the mouth without feeling like you're overstepping?

He's got no interest in sex, it's not something to 'come out' about surely? The idea that he's told you now as though he's just suddenly had an epiphany is nonsense. He's known he's had no interest in sex his whole life, even if he didn't have a label for it.

If he didn't make it clear from the start that he had no interest in sex - ever - then I would feel completely deceived. You say you communicate very well - so why didn't he communicate on this? Again - it's because he's knowingly deceived you. Doing it just enough to keep you from asking too many questions.

It's fine to have a sexless marriage if you're both happy with it though. Are you both happy with it?

In the long run,
if no sex doesn't bother you, all will be well.
If no sex does bother you, and you're each other's best friend, you could still be that without being married and living together and you can get some elsewhere.

I'm your age. I was previously in a sexless relationship for 10 years. It killed me mentally, it's taken mey whole 30's to get myself back.

I'm now with a man who adores every fibre of my being, and I his.

Don't settle for his crumbs.

Here we go again. He is not saying he has no interest in having sex just with OP. He is saying he has no sexual interest in anyone full stop. Let's not try to make out it is some personal slight solely against the OP. Not wanting sex with your wife is not what being assexual is. It's not wanting sex with anyone. Ever. Male or female.