New Partner with ADHD

[Amy1994x]

Hi lovelies, I don’t want to sound like I’m moaning - just looking for some guidance!

I met a guy about five months ago. Long story short he is really caring, funny and a good work ethic. However, he has un medicated ADHD and it is quite severe. Examples - he is really loud all of the time even in public he’s a joker and will like say things loudly to make me laugh but I’m quite introverted and it makes me cringe sometimes! He is on the go constantly fidgeting, can’t sit still, he will make random noises and barge around the house heavy handedid (I have ocd and like everything really neat!) his brain is really non stop he will get up and have all these plans in his head and start DIY randomly on a Sunday morning (he’s really good at it) sometimes if we see each other and I want to relax (I have a really demanding job I have to drive two hours a day) he also has a really hands on job as a IT Manager, but he will just talk and start play fighting and try to make me laugh, and not sit still and I feel myself getting frustrated and snappy. He really is lovely and I don’t want to sound selfish I just want some tips on coping, He’s very attractive funny goes to the gym looks after himself (we met at the gym!) I just feel like a bad person for getting frustrated with him. Sorry for the long thread - any tips on Partner with ADHD ? Am I being unreasonable? Thank you ❤️for content I have no children and live alone.

Also, he’s 28. He’s currently drilling now! Help me 🤣

I have adhd an a dh who thinks I’m wonderful and any flaws are just minor things in the bigger picture of my general wonderfulness 😂

He’s clearly quite mad. But I’m glad I found him. There’s probably someone out there for your dp who would find his exuberance a positive thing, and not be bothered living with a bull elephant. It doesn’t make you a bad person that these things do bother you.

It would be soul destroying for me to live with someone who was putting up with my annoying qualities, especially if it was out of pity for my disability, or some virtue signalling reason. Instead I get to be wonderful on a daily basis. Sometimes the kindest thing is to let someone go.

I also think you need to raise your standards and think enough of yourself to find a partner that doesn’t make you cringe. You deserve that too.

My DH has unmedicated ADHD and i introverted. He is full on but he brings so much to my life - i have done lots of things outside of my comfort zone because of him. I would suggest if your DP makes you cringe, this is not the relationship for you.

I know I may have come across harsh but I do think he is wonderful! I really do I tell him every day. I’ve never mentioned the adhd to him x

Unmedicated ADHD here too (recently discovered) and a (more than likely) autistic introverted IT consultant DH. How we have made it to our 20th wedding anniversary is anyone’s guess.

He can be a wonderful lovely person and still not be the right guy for you. ADHD or not, if your lifestyles and your needs are not compatible, don't force yourself to fit around him for the sake of it.

My DH has ADHD, though it presents very differently from this guy, and it is very, very hard.

Also when I say he says things loudly in public for example we will order food and he will shout in the chippy give her more onions it will cover up the smell of her breath! He thinks it’s funny I just find it mortifying🤣

There’s an instagram page called adhd love with a couple where the woman has ADHD(she has blue hair to help you find the page) that I found useful in understanding DH.
What stands out to me is that you need to clearly communicate your needs so he can go ahead and do what he wants like diy etc but you are going to rest and not do anything. Also if he’s trying to mess about then you need to very clear if you’re not in the mood for it; DH cannot pick up on my cues for this so I say it very clearly before I get annoyed.

This is the problem with ADHD is that people with it do speak out of turn and can be offensive.

my son has ADHD and he’s nearly 7, some of the things he says are so bloody rude and offensive, he thinks he’s funny, and I do pick him up on it everytime but he still bloody does it!

it’s part of him and you will need to accept him for who he is.

Being disorganised and random often goes with adhd, so I suspect you'd have your work cut out if you lived together. OCD combined with someone who may not notice disorder could be a frustrating combination. Have you been to his house and seen how he lives?
Is he doing DIY at your place? If so, have you mentioned jobs you need doing? Does he finish the project or move onto another before he's done?

@Opentooffers yes he is quite messy compared to my house! Yes he has done the bathroom at mine, he finishes jobs and he’s really good at it he has a million ideas at once though 🤣

I don’t think you need to accept that if you’re Genuinely embarrassed. Let him know each time something like this bothers you and he should take steps to address it. I’m ND and now I see my “jokes” could be a bit much in my younger days, but I grew so much socially when I went to Uni and learnt to develop good friendships. Especially as some people were quite straight talking with me.

I think before that I knew I was a bit awkward, so tried too hard to be the “class clown” so to speak. I wasn’t massively rude though -or so I’d like to think - because I was a big reader which I think helped me develop a lot of empathy.

If he’s not willing to modify some of his behaviour and it does make you cringe at this early stage , I’d suggest the two of you are probably not compatible and it’s best for you all if you go your separate ways.

If you move in together and have a family you will have a hard road ahead of you and will have to work harder than if your dh was not like this. The love you feel for him might be enough to make it worthwhile, but either way it adds a load of load onto you.
(speaking from experience)

Rather despondent at the amount of people all trying to convince you he isn't the right person for you just because one tiny aspect of who he is made you cringe. Like nothing any of these people's DH has ever said or done made them cringe because they're all so perfect..

Rather despondent at the amount of people all trying to convince you he isn't the right person for you just because one tiny aspect of who he is made you cringe.

Doesn’t sound tiny at all imo.

He may be lovely but he may not be the right person for you OP. I have Adhd and autism/Asperger’s as was. I am under no illusions about what a pain in the ass to be around I am sometimes. Luckily I have good points too, and I never use my diagnoses as an excuse for poor behaviour.

Thanks everyone you have been really helpful! I agree I don’t want to get rid of him, I was more looking for some insight on adhd so I can understand him without getting my knickers in a twist 🤣 I’m sure I annoy him too! I think he’s wonderful I wouldn’t be posting for advice if I didn’t, just want to understand him a bit more. Thank you all

I'm not sure that speaking out of turn and being offensive are things that should be accepted. They might be part of a person, in which case the person is a person who tends to speak out of turn and be offensive, regardless of the ADHD, but these qualities don't need to be accepted by a partner or anybody else.

Oh, that's not good making comments about your breath. That would be enough for me to let go.

Also, you sound incompatible anyway.

That's a load of rubbish though, yes ADHD makes people more impulsive with less of a filter. Still, I would never ever say something like this because it just feels mean. My impulsive blurts tend to be of the know it all variety which can be a bit exasperating because I don't stop to consider whether the person is likely to already know or want to receive this information, I just think ooooh I know the answer, and blurt it out.

So yes, some degree of impulsivity and lack of filter, but the unfiltered stuff that comes out is personality dependent not ADHD dependent.

OP if you do want to understand ADHD there are some good resources on YouTube, how to ADHD is one of them and Russell Barkley is another. Also loads and loads of podcasts so try searching for ADHD relationships maybe.

I do agree strongly with the first post though. Understanding is fair. But be very careful before you accept aspects of somebody that you find difficult to manage even if it's part of a condition that they have. Have a look at threads about problems with ADHD in relationships. We tend not to be the tidiest bunch and that can cause frustration and resentment. If it's important to you for him to be proactive, you might not be able to expect that. The DIY projects are great if they are useful, less so if they are left unfinished all over the place.

Since you don't have children though no stress, just take things slowly and see how you go. Don't be drawn into impulsive plans to escalate the relationship. Be realistic and don't get into something unless you're sure it's right.

Based on this and what you said above, I could not be with him. It's just too much. I would want a relatively stable, somewhat quiet relationship and this fellow is not capable of that (at least while unmedicated). I would kindly tell him it is not going to work for me.

Tiny?

No, you don’t have to accept it, but it is part of his condition.

its a common symptom with ADHD and whichever way ADHD affects him, you need to accept those symptoms if you want to stay with him.

yes the person can try to control their symptoms, but its not always possible and the op will need to accept that he may still display symptoms that he’s really trying to control.

I think it’s debatable whether it’s part of ADHD. Many people with ADHD would find it offensive to be told that saying rude and offensive things is part of their ADHD.

It’s one thing to say interrupting people or blurting things out is a common component of ADHD.

However, being rude in the sense of saying offensive & hurtful things is quite ann unpleasant trait and understandably definitely not something that everyone with ADHD would accept is a symptom.

FWIW this description doesn’t match any of the people with ADHD that I know.

And symptom or not I don’t think we need to resign ourselves to bad traits being immutable parts of ourselves that we can’t change. As I said upthread I overstepped sometimes with my “humour” in my younger days, but was able to turn things around. I was also massively late for things as I struggle to get going but I also got a grip on that when it comes to meeting people as I don’t want to waste other people’s time, rather than shrugging my shoulders and claiming it as a part of me.

If you’re a decent person, ND or NT, you can change certain things you do which are unnecessarily negatively impacting and hurting others.

The ADHD workshop I attended to learn about ADHD which the Paediatrician referred me to mentioned about offensive and hurtful things being part of ADHD. They also had a detailed power point of all the traits of it and it was also on there.

But just because someone had ADHD, it doesn’t mean they will have all the symptoms which may be why people you know don’t display that symptom.

The same with sleeping, people with ADHD are well known to have sleep issues (according to the people conducting the workshop) but my son has no sleep issues whatsoever. Out of all us parents there, around 7 of us, mine was the only one with no sleep issues.

The workshop people did say to ignore offensive things that your child says and let it go over your head. I do not agree with that as children do need to know when they have said something offensive or horrible, that’s why my son gets picked up on it everytime.

Also the Paediatrician gave us some sheets that were a checklist when they were going through the diagnosis that school had to fill in. These sheets had questions on and you had to answer with never, alittle bit, often, very often, all the time etc. So the questions asked are all symptoms of it, but not everyone will have every symptom.

here is a sheet that the Paediatrician gives out as part of the ADHD diagnosis….

ADHD is a spectrum just like autism and any other ND condition.

Just because your loved one acts a certain way, does not mean the rest of us act the same. (This is generally to anyone, no one specific)

I was diagnosed late last year in my mid 30s. I have chosen to be unmedicated but I manage myself with music to stoke the dopamine, my phone calendar has a million reminders to help with remembering things and to not be late. You have to be accountable for yourself. It also comes out differently in men and women.

However, I do not blurt out random, rude things at people. I can have a wicked (not evil, just tongue in cheek) sense of humour but I do know when it and isn't appropriate. He can take responsibility for this. Point it out to him in a calm way that isn't appropriate for him to do that.

Him moving around a lot is a type of stimming. It stands for self stimulatory behaviour. It helps stoke dopamine which helps us with our focus, our motivation, our impulsiveness, our concentration and so forth. That's why he can't help it. It sounds like he has the hyperactive type.

Mine is inattentive. Most of my hyperactivity is my mind. I do externally do it though I mask more at work.

If you're an introvert, this may not be the relationship for you. However, if you want to stay with him, research as much as you can. It will help you and him. Follow some nd types on social media.

There will be a lot of people on here ready to tell you lots of negative things about us.

But there are so many positives. I am loyal, loving, generous, caring and thoughtful. I go above and beyond for the people who care for me. I empathise to a fault. Especially for an underdog. I try to be helpful too.

Just remember his personality is separate from his ADHD. As someone said above, adhd love is a great account.