New Partner with ADHD

[Amy1994x]

Hi lovelies, I don’t want to sound like I’m moaning - just looking for some guidance!

I met a guy about five months ago. Long story short he is really caring, funny and a good work ethic. However, he has un medicated ADHD and it is quite severe. Examples - he is really loud all of the time even in public he’s a joker and will like say things loudly to make me laugh but I’m quite introverted and it makes me cringe sometimes! He is on the go constantly fidgeting, can’t sit still, he will make random noises and barge around the house heavy handedid (I have ocd and like everything really neat!) his brain is really non stop he will get up and have all these plans in his head and start DIY randomly on a Sunday morning (he’s really good at it) sometimes if we see each other and I want to relax (I have a really demanding job I have to drive two hours a day) he also has a really hands on job as a IT Manager, but he will just talk and start play fighting and try to make me laugh, and not sit still and I feel myself getting frustrated and snappy. He really is lovely and I don’t want to sound selfish I just want some tips on coping, He’s very attractive funny goes to the gym looks after himself (we met at the gym!) I just feel like a bad person for getting frustrated with him. Sorry for the long thread - any tips on Partner with ADHD ? Am I being unreasonable? Thank you ❤️for content I have no children and live alone.

My ADHD is medicated and it doesn't stop me being loud, just FYI 😃

I ve just realised those pictures are crap as it’s blurry

I’ll see if these are any better….

I have ADHD and partners loved all the quirky and fun and hyper side of me, even though it was undiagnosed at the time.
I have no filter, however I wouldn't ever think of embarrassing comments like that so they wouldn't come out of my mouth.

That's more to do with what he finds funny, rather than ADHD and personally I'd be very annoyed if a partner tried deliberately to embarrass me just because he thought it was funny.

Five months in it shouldn't be difficult and you have written a long list there of things he does that obviously bother you or you would not have taken the time to write the thread. So o would be walking away. Nothing to do with ADHD and everything to do with finding someone you fully match with.

@TheHeadOfTheHouse - those are interesting forms, part 4 is nothing like any adhd checklist I’ve seen! That seems like it’s there for flagging for something else - do you remember how they were used?

What do you mean how they were used?

School had to fill them in for my 6 year old but the checklist covers from 5 - adulthood that’s why some of the questions are extreme for a young child

It says at the top of the checklist that it’s for ADHD.

School had to fill in one form a week for 4 weeks and he then had a QB Test.

This is an NHS Paediatrician, not a private one.

Section 3 seems to be about oppositional defiant disorder which can occur with ADHD but it's not actually ADHD.
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/oppositional-defiant-disorder#:~:text=Oppositional%20defiant%20disorder%20(ODD)%20is,than%20they%20are%20to%20themselves.

Not sure about section 4 but presumably it's something else that can occur with ADHD but again isn't actually ADHD.

Oh, never heard of that condition

How far can you separate his ADHD from his personality or sense of humour? Some is his ADHD, some is just him, and if you don’t like the whole package or need to excuse it with his ADHD then it’s not for you. And if it’s not for you, it’s not for you, and that’s all there is to it.
You can’t force feelings where there aren’t any and don’t feel like it makes you a bad person. It doesn’t. You’ve given it a go and staying with him just because he has ADHD even though you find his behaviour mortifying at times is actually a far worse and unkind thing to do.
You deserve to feel comfortable with your partner (your most intimate relationship!) and he deserves someone who accepts him exactly as he is romantically.
This is the whole point in dating. It’s figuring out compatibility. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s a bust, but you’ve learned something about what you want or don’t want along the way.

https://www.additudemag.com/parenting-a-defiant-adhd-child/

40 percent of children with ADHD also develop oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), a condition marked by chronic aggression, frequent outbursts, and a tendency to argue, ignore requests, and engage in intentionally annoying behavior.1

..................................................

About half of all preschoolers diagnosed with ODD outgrow the problem by age 8. Older kids with ODD are less likely to outgrow it. And left untreated, oppositional behavior can evolve into conduct disorder, an even more serious behavioral problem marked by physical violence, stealing, running away from home, fire-setting, and other highly destructive and often illegal behaviors.

Oh!!

that’s very interesting! Everyday is a school day

My DD has OCD (doesn't manifest in a way that requires tidiness, if anything it's the opposite) and I very strongly suspect my DH has ADHD. Funnily enough the more I read about it, the more traits I see in myself (except I don't think I do have ADHD). They (DH & DD) co-exist very well.
I think you need to go into anything with your eyes open and be mindful of how this condition is going to affect your relationship.
DH is hard to live with but has lots of great qualities. But our house is messy and our lives quite chaotic. He loses stuff a lot and has many intractable hobbies that hoover up his time and our house is full of stuff. He's both incredibly kind and thoughtful and also very selfish.
If you need an orderly and predictable life he would drive you insane.

Be aware that ADHD often has a comorbidity, I had bulimia and DS OCD (no the germ kind) so your DD might in fact have ADHD.
DS and I are similar but only half I would say, it is quite different for women and very very under diagnosed (in fact only discovered mine when he got his diagnosis).
I think you need someone very strong to take on a ADHD person, DH is the absolute opposite of me in every way but he doesn't cringe when I over share, panic or make random noise when it is too quiet. It is worth noting that as sad as it if one of the couple as ADHD it will probably be passed on to the kids, DD escaped fortunately (and is a wizard in calming both of us) I get on very well with my son (obviously )but DH struggles a bit with DS behaviour (he is very confused 😂)

Also when I say he says things loudly in public for example we will order food and he will shout in the chippy give her more onions it will cover up the smell of her breath! He thinks it’s funny I just find it mortifying🤣

If you had posted this without mentioning ADHD people would have said it’s a red flag and to get rid. ADHD is not an excuse to embarrass you or put you down publicly.

Pretty sure my DH has ADHD. He's gorgeous, funny, highly intelligent BUT he is also extremely messy, disorganised and bad with money. These issues grate more after kids. I'm far from ocd myself but still resent having to pick up after an extra child. If you can afford to outsource domestic duties and if he has insight and is apologetic it helps but you might not be compatible long term.

Fluffypiki
Thanks for that - DD was offered testing for ASD but wasn't ready for it, but I really wouldn't be at all surprised. You have got me thinking though as I also had bulimia as a teenager and an on/off thing with hair pulling. DD has both intrusive thoughts and germ phobia.
Maybe we are all so relaxed with each other is because we all have ADHD!

Hi everyone sorry for the silence!

I agree, he’s never nasty or really embarrassing but he tries to be the joker too much in public.

I feel kind of sorry for him because he said people don’t usually stick around too long usually who he dates. His mom tells him he needs to medicate because of the way he acts in public he’s loud and shouty and always trying to charm and make people laugh but it’s a lot sometimes.

I know these aren’t all typical characteristics of someone with adhd that’s why I was looking for advice to differentiate.

It only seems to be in public he acts like that’s when he’s with my parents he is much more toned down , still talks non stop and fidgeting but he doesn’t embarrass me.

I think I will give it a while and be clear when he makes me feel uncomfortable and see if he listens.

Maybe we won’t be compatible, but I will give it a chance for a little while and just have clear boundaries.

@Namechange666 this was so helpful thank you x

Also when I say he says things loudly in public for example we will order food and he will shout in the chippy give her more onions it will cover up the smell of her breath! He thinks it’s funny

I can guarantee that everyone around you hearing him come out with stuff like this, thinks he’s a total and utter bellend. Nobody thinks he’s charming and funny.

I feel kind of sorry for him because he said people don’t usually stick around too long usually who he dates

This is not a reasonable basis for a good relationship in which you will be happy long term. ADHD is not his fault, but it is very much his responsibility to deal with, not yours, while he sails through life oblivious offending you in chip shops and offering you ill timed wrestling matches.

How do you deal with your feelings of annoyance with the behaviour of a new partner who has ADHD and refuses to medicate? The same way that you'd deal with someone without ADHD who's behaviour does your head in, and makes you feel snappy and frustrated and embarrassed in public. A great tip on coping with this, would be to find a man who's not a project.

You are already compromising yourself and feeling sorry for him. Neither are the solid basis for a relationship.

This. I’d be cringing on your behalf. And ultimately, how far are you going to be willing to overlook him saying rude and offensive things and playing the fool? What when he makes offensive jokes and rude comments to / about others, or thinks it’s funny to wind them up? Because if you’ve tied your wagon to this star, people are going to begin judging you as well by his tedious behaviour and offensive and stupid joking. Honestly he just sounds like a bit of a dick, who also happens to have ADHD. The two do coexist.

It only seems to be in public he acts like that’s when he’s with my parents he is much more toned down , still talks non stop and fidgeting but he doesn’t embarrass me.

So he can regulate his behavior in front of people that care for you and would advise you to walk away from this relationship? It's early days of you dating him, finding out if he's for you or not so why try to develop strategies to cope rather than just move on and find someone who is for you.