New Partner with ADHD

[Amy1994x]

Hi lovelies, I don’t want to sound like I’m moaning - just looking for some guidance!

I met a guy about five months ago. Long story short he is really caring, funny and a good work ethic. However, he has un medicated ADHD and it is quite severe. Examples - he is really loud all of the time even in public he’s a joker and will like say things loudly to make me laugh but I’m quite introverted and it makes me cringe sometimes! He is on the go constantly fidgeting, can’t sit still, he will make random noises and barge around the house heavy handedid (I have ocd and like everything really neat!) his brain is really non stop he will get up and have all these plans in his head and start DIY randomly on a Sunday morning (he’s really good at it) sometimes if we see each other and I want to relax (I have a really demanding job I have to drive two hours a day) he also has a really hands on job as a IT Manager, but he will just talk and start play fighting and try to make me laugh, and not sit still and I feel myself getting frustrated and snappy. He really is lovely and I don’t want to sound selfish I just want some tips on coping, He’s very attractive funny goes to the gym looks after himself (we met at the gym!) I just feel like a bad person for getting frustrated with him. Sorry for the long thread - any tips on Partner with ADHD ? Am I being unreasonable? Thank you ❤️for content I have no children and live alone.

@charliefair don't we all compromise to a degree in relationships? Otherwise it would never work
Having empathy for someone isn't a bad thing either.

I know we woman aren't rehabilitation centres for men but to write someone off when he isn't abusive or nasty is just basically saying run when someone is a bit difficult.

The op shouldn't have to compromise herself altogether I agree.

But she hasn't even spoken to him yet about how she feels. If she can talk to him and get him on board then great. And if he doesn't then she can go.

I think he deserves a chance to put things right first. He sounds annoying but he doesn't sound like a bad man.

You're welcome. Always here if you need some links or places to find info Etc. 😄

I agree with all of you to be honest haha!

Obv I have bought up the most offensive thing he said about the onions 🤣 but normally he will just talk and talk or make non offensive jokes or say cheeky things to the cashier when we’re out like when they say do you want anything else he will be like oh no just a smile and wink at them or something! So it’s pretty harmless but yes he can be too much at times it’s a mix!

Yes he can regulate the joking somewhat but he will still get up about 50 times come to the kitchen back and the living room and just talk and talk. Funnily enough my parents quite like him, especially my dad. He is not a different person in front of them just toned down with the jokes.

I agree I’m not a rehabilitation centre, but he’s not a bad man - I have been with terrible guys before I know the difference, he doesn’t try to embarrass me he prob thinks it’s harmless but I do agree - haven’t spoke to him about the jokes being too much yet. But obviously if he doesn’t listen and it’s too much then it may be time to move on 😊

@Namechange666

don't we all compromise to a degree in relationships?

Sure, but compromise within a relationship and compromising your own self to be in a relationship are not the same thing.

say cheeky things to the cashier when we’re out like when they say do you want anything else he will be like oh no just a smile and wink at them or something!

This sort of thing is really just tiresome low level sexual harassment, isn’t it? Nothing to do with having ADHD. The cashier has to go along with it because she can’t tell a customer to go fuck himself, even if she’s actually uncomfortable and doesn’t like random men flirting with her and doing the whole cheeky chappie banter thing. Don’t make the mistake of dismissing things as “ADHD” when they probably point to more problematic aspects of his personality entirely, regardless of his diagnosis.

He might not be the worst man you’ve ever dated, but unless he’s able to take on board that you don’t like aspects of his behaviour and not just try to justify then with “can’t help it, it’s my ADHD”, he’s not going to be a good option as a partner.

He actually says it to men ! Not women 🤣 but yes I agree with the last point for sure

say cheeky things to the cashier when we’re out like when they say do you want anything else he will be like oh no just a smile and wink at them or something!

He doesn’t say cheeky stuff to cashiers. He says it to female cashiers. Why does he think he can instruct women to smile for him on demand? It’s not cheeky. It’s sexist. Like a pp said, it’s low level sexual harassment. Nobody in a customer service job wants to deal with shit like this.

He puts you down for cheap laughs from strangers, yet tones it down around your parents. None of this is related to ADHD.

He actually says it to men ! Not women 🤣

Course he does. Why do you think it’s funny to harass people doing their job? You sound as bad as him.

What do you think the difference is? You think comments like that suddenly become appropriate if they are directed at a man?

I have ADHD. I'm a woman.

There are big sex-based differences in ADHD. Men get away with a lot more than women because of good old fashioned sexism. Men seem to do the eternal Peter Pan thing. Women either learn to mask (and burnout at some point) or descend into total chaos - addiction, domestic violence, severe enduring mental health issues.

Do you want to spend your life with Peter Pan? Have kids with him but have to be both parents simultaneously? And I'll be honest, he sounds like a bit of a prick, albeit an attractive one.

@MrsDoubtfire24 are you ok? Yes he said it once to a man, why would I lie. He doesn’t harass people 🫣 the guy laughed he goes in there all the time. It was an example in context

So, I'm a guy with ADHD (came on here to ask a question about TENs machines for my partner, and then got distracted, but this... lol). Was diagnosed in Australia as a child in the 90s, where their approach is a lot closer to the Americans (i.e. it's much easier to get medication).

First off, I need to clarify: does he actually have a diagnosis. I have to ask because there has been an explosion of people who suspect they have ADHD (I blame WFH... ask me if you want me to flesh out that opinion), but don't really. If so, which type does he have. There are three

• Impulsive/Hyperactive
• Inattentive and Distractible (AKA Primarily Inattentive)
• Combine Type.

By the sounds of it, it seems like he has Combine Type, but it is worth finding out from his diagnosis what they think he has. It just helps for you to know what you are dealing with.

OK.... so what did I actually come here to say........ (ADHD brain going off on a tangent again)..... ah, yes.

First medication: he's going to have a hells game getting on it in the UK. It sounds like he has a stable job, and the attitude in the UK tends to be (emphasis on the word tends, the British medical establishment are not as united on this today as they were in the 90s) that unless its so bad that you can't hold down a job, or its causing behaviour so bad that you can't really participate in society at all they're not giving out the meds. That's because of what the medication is: medical grade amphetamines.

Next lets look at some of the behaviours you described. Yes, he's going to be untidy. It's just comes with the territory, and to a certain extent it's creative mess. I'm guessing a lot of things are 1/2 finished DIY projects left around the house? That's what I mean by creative mess. My advice is to try and dedicate a space where he can be as untidy as he wants and contain the mess there.

The doing DIY first thing on a Sunday morning is another thing I can relate to, and totally get. It's kinda a coping mechanism. Sometimes you know you have the energy to do a certain thing right NOW, and you have to seize the moment, because if you put it off for even 5 minutes it's highly likely you won't have the focus then. Gotta keep that momentum.

Anyway, I think the main point of your question was "should I leave him, and if not how do I make this work?". I'm not going to go anywhere near the first part of that, but my top tip for the second: be as direct with him as you can. The reason ADHD gets lumped in with Autism sometimes is that both groups are absolutely horrible at picking up social ques and subtle hints. If something annoys you, tell him. If he keep doing it (because he will forget you told him) tell him again. The message will sink in. He needs to see that the things he is doing to annoy you have consequences (even if that consequence is just you being annoyed at him for 5 mins).

Let me know if you have any questions from the perspective of someone on the other side of this.

(I blame WFH... ask me if you want me to flesh out that opinion)

I’m curious! Why do you blame WFH? 👀 @dmorse

He can be a wonderful lovely person and still not be the right guy for you.

This.

My son has (currently) unmedicated adhd and has found a partner who can deal with it. If you can't that's not a fault, any more than someone being able to cope with any other personality trait is.

There is someone out there for him, it isn't necessarily you.

@Flakydaydreamer I think there are a lot of people out there that have only had to practice focus in structured environments (school, university, work etc.). As soon as the structure was removed, and they have to focus in a far less structured environment they're not able to.

@dmorse thank you for taking the time to write this it is so helpful!

I am unsure if he has been officially diagnosed but he’s been told by several people he probably has it , I assume a gp but he hasn’t gone through the whole process I don’t think.

In regards to DIY, yes he got up yesterday said right I’ve been dreaming about bathrooms and I have a vision then spent his whole day making my bathroom look amazing , he’s already done the plumbing and fitted new lights and shower. I was saying to my dad he’s so funny and my partner said he had to start as soon as he woke up or he wouldn’t get it done. He doesn’t really leave things half finished, but he is messy he will cook a amazing meal but then the kitchen looks like a herd of elephants has hit it 🤣 but he is tidying up more.

im not sure what type he has but here are some behaviour examples
He talks a lot almost constantly changes the subject a lot
He is always trying to make jokes
he cant sit still and will just get up randomly and start doing something
his sleep is not great he is always restless and if he gets up he barges around
he is always losing things or forgetting them like his badge for work
saying this he is really handy he does a lot of people favours by spending his weekends doing odd jobs or plumbing or clearances etc
he does say impulsive things sometimes or will natter to him self 🤣
he actually can focus on tv or watches diy videos etc when he’s in public more of his impulsive behaviours come out

happy to hear your thoughts :)

Also I must add I’m probably not introverted by any means I’m very chatty and social with lots of hobbies and friends , but I like everything neat and spotless, all the sauces and spices the right way round, I have to make sure my shopping list is wrote down, my workouts for the week, dinners for the week, when I have to do certain things like get petrol etc 🤣 so we are polar opposites in that sense

MrsDoubtfire24 are you ok? Yes he said it once to a man, why would I lie. He doesn’t harass people 🫣 the guy laughed he goes in there all the time. It was an example in context

Im not sure why you’ve mentioned it tbh. It seems everyone enjoyed the interaction including yourself.

Part 1 and part 2 of that sheet are ADHD screeners - hyperactive and then inattentive.

Part 3 is a screener for ODD. They might not have explicitly told you that, but that's what it is. ODD is extremely common in children with ADHD (especially boys).

I said it because I was giving examples of things he says in public. I understand I asked for opinions and call him a tw*t if you want, but what I won’t accept is someone claiming he is sexist, that people shouldn’t be entitled to smile for him (which they aren’t) and apparently harasses women that’s absolutely outrageous 🤣

It is mortifying. It’s not funny.

Why isn’t he medicated?

You use ‘🤣’ this face a lot. What is it meant to denote? Because he sounds nice enough, but also like a massive pain in the arse with absolutely no social awareness.

I don’t know, he probably wouldn’t be himself if he took medication and he has loads of good qualities. It does sound mortifying doesn’t it in context he was like I’m joking and giving me a cuddle right after he clearly just think he’s humorous. I didn’t make it clear to him how embarrassing I found it at the time.

Because he genuinely makes me laugh and it’s hard to be mad at him because he is funny and light hearted he doesn’t ever mean to upset me genuinely I think it’s an unawareness of his behaviour sometimes. You’re right though he is a pain lacking social awareness , but he is really loveable at the same time … it’s a tough one

I am unsure if he has been officially diagnosed but he’s been told by several people he probably has it

For Christ sake OP open your eyes. What an utter dickhead he is, and using ADHD to excuse it when he hasn't even been assessed.

Walk away.

he will shout in the chippy give her more onions it will cover up the smell of her breath!

This is vile behaviour.

Walk away.

'He makes me laugh'

Please