Husband wants to split up

[missushbbb]

I'm distraught. I feel sick can't sleep or eat. He's told me he doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore. We've slept apart over the years as I was a terrible sleeper, it was supposed to be a temporary thing then when we had kids it kept going. I realise now this was a terrible idea and between that and busy lives with the kids, we've become co parents rather than a couple. I'm desperate to keep trying but he seems decided. Kids are 6 and 11. I feel I will never get over this and worst of all it's all my own fault.

She clearly said that she decided to stay in another room for sleep, that he told her he was against it, but in her head it was temporary, even though the youngest is six. She also clearly states she’s the one who goes and sits elsewhere in the evening.

so, no. Basically.

Not always. He did bring up the sleeping arrangements and it sounds like OP kept deflecting. Not everything is 50:50

You have drifted apart - it is very common - apportioning blame and deciding whose "fault" it is will not help the situation. You need some joint counselling to bring you both closer again. Stop beating yourself up.

Where does she "clearly state she's the one who goes and sits elsewhere in the evening"?

Seems to me you've done some reading-between-the-lines of your own, but forgotten to apply the "I could be wrong".

If one partner keeps you at arms length sexually and chooses to sleep in another bed the other person often has to shut down their emotions to survive. We aren't all separate compartments. You can't expect someone to be open and available for cuddles if you are not being intimate and they want to be.

It doesn't work that way. Shutting down one aspect of your intimacy has a knock on affect on all parts of your intimacy.

Too many (predominantly ) women seem to think removing sex will result in exactly the same relationship just minus the sex. That's not what happens. It fundamentally changes everything.

Think you need to go read again. He did bring up his dislike of the sleeping arrangement. Your post therefore makes no sense.

Maybe for men hating women. I love seeing my dhs naked body. He's easy and relaxed. We both walk around our bedroom and in and out of the bathroom naked.

I expect he has his eye on someone, but wants you to take all the blame.

God I hate having to quote things

”He sits I a separate room when the kids have gone to bed, watching the tv himself”

which she’s not disputing.

who wants a marriage where you sleep in seperate beds, sit in separate rooms and don’t have sex. And he is flipping between whose fault it is. Irrelevant, the marriage is long dead.

You claim was "She also clearly states she’s the one who goes and sits elsewhere in the evening."

You haven't quoted anything in support of that.

he didn't bother, you didn't bother...so why are you bothered?

for all the nice words here, the only thing true is that you both gave up long time ago and staying together is pointless since neither of you cares for the other person - and that means you too, OP

In fairness, if he's sitting in the tv room every evening and she chooses not to sit with him then she does go and sit elsewhere.

OP I'm sorry but you might have to let him go.

Have a proper discussion and listen to what has made him miserable. Ask yourself if you really have pushed him away. Have you been happy with the arrangement? Has he mentioned that he's unhappy before? It certainly reads like he has.

Ask him if he is prepared to work at it. Make some suggestions and see if he's open. If he isn't, well you can't force someone to stay. If he's done, unfortunately he's done and it's just easier all around if you let him go.

Personally I think it's a bit shit if he won't even try, but maybe from his POV he has been trying and bringing up the things that have made him miserable and you've brushed them under the carpet.

DH and I currently sleep separately because of his snoring (which is caused by a temporary medical condition which is being fixed in the near future) and it certainly has impacted us a bit. We can't wait to get back to the same bed.

Huh? Plenty of homes have more than one TV in them.

(NB I'm not saying she necessarily isn't the one who "goes" and sits elsewhere. I'm disputing the claim that she clearly says she's the one who "goes". The point I'm making is that whereas I said up front I could be wrong in the way I've filled in the details, Freakinfraser has also filled in details, but seems not to realise they could be wrong.)

Nothing wrong with a naked man around the house!

Sorry op,
He's using the sleeping arrangements as an excuse don't get sucked into pleading and doing the pick me dance. It will only make him want you even less. You only have one choice. Accept and ask what he wants to do. I'd normally suggest counselling but he doesn't sound interested. Big hugs!

Not all of us look good naked anymore. For some the years may not have been kind.

Not that we object to seeing each other naked but I think DH is a bit embarrassed about his weight gain.

We also sleep separately mostly, his choice as he doesn't want to keep disturbing me during the night with his frequent trips to pee.

Sounds though as if OPs OH kept trying to get back together but it never worked out. Does anyone else suspect that if he agreed to stay the sleeping arrangements would quickly revert to as before.

Well yes they do. What has that got to do with anything? Could be the living room, dining room, kitchen etc. He's in a room with a TV and watching it. She doesn't join him.

You're really picking out daft details here.

This.

Sorry op. He doesn't want to make it work and he doesn't want to admit that. He wants to make it your fault.

You're really underlining your own assumptions here. Why should she be the one to join him, rather than the other way round?

If he's spending his evenings in another room rather than going out I think another woman is unlikely. He may think that by splitting he'll be able to go out and date again but if he's settled to watching TV he may find that difficult as sitting watching TV on his own is now his norm.

OP, I have been there. I am 5 years on and happy now but it was a shattering experience. You just have to go with your feelings for now. My 4 closest friends do not sleep with or are intimidate with their husbands anymore, yet they are still together (we are in our 40’s).

Have you suggested counselling? It might help. My exH had OW (it took a few months to come out). But anyway, I did not want to be on bad terms with him, I had some counselling and read the Runaway Husbands book (there's also a private Facebook group which was very helpful). Please don't be hard on yourself, I am sure this has come as a huge shock to you, it’s a very hard thing to go through but you will come out the other side, I promise.

Why must people always try and insist that the woman/OP could never be at fault and that the man must always be to blame.

If a woman posted on here that her DH had insisted on separate beds and had no interest in her sexually and they were just coparenting , the answers would be very different.

Maybe he has met someone who has made him realise that he wants more from a relationship. Perhaps not; it's not even relevant.

He's not happy. And I don't think it helps the OP to hear people telling her that's she's not to blame when she - by her own admission - took her eye off the ball.

I don't know if it's too late OP. Would your H agree to counselling? Whatever the outcome, I'm sorry for your pain and I promise you that in time you will be OK.

Why do you want to stay together? Be honest, if it’s been like this for years, when was this mythical time in the future when it supposed to click back. It’s never only one persons fault why a marriage ends but you aren’t here by accident.

If he’s not willing to try, there’s nothing else you can do.