Husband wants to split up

[missushbbb]

I'm distraught. I feel sick can't sleep or eat. He's told me he doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore. We've slept apart over the years as I was a terrible sleeper, it was supposed to be a temporary thing then when we had kids it kept going. I realise now this was a terrible idea and between that and busy lives with the kids, we've become co parents rather than a couple. I'm desperate to keep trying but he seems decided. Kids are 6 and 11. I feel I will never get over this and worst of all it's all my own fault.

Lol, he sits in a separate room, no cuddles, and little communication, but then he thinks if he parades around naked it should have the desired effect.
That's almost funny.
You've both caused this, and it sounds like neither of you have done anything for years to sort it. Being honest with yourself, is it more fear of being on your own you are feeling, did his nakedness really stir anything or has your libido gone as your life has by the sounds of it been drudgery and no fun for years.

I think your marriage was over a long time ago op, I am so sorry.

How long is a 'while'?
Do you have any desire/interest in having sex with him and if you do why haven't you initiated?

I'm very sorry, but I don't think you can resurrect your marriage.

It sounds like you've drifted apart for years and he's finally decided that he no longer wants to continue in a marriage which he feels has no fun or intimacy or any room for the two of you. It does sound like you aren't really in love or partners any longer. You are just parents, and he thinks he'd rather do that separately.

I'm not suggesting this is anyone's fault. But I think it's dead in the water.

I agree with this.

It’s normal to be sad OP but being in a relationship with no love, affection, intimacy etc is sad too.

He cannot blame you for this. As a PP has highlighted, he chooses to sit and watch tv in another room, he’s cold and indifferent, he doesn’t reciprocate your attempts at cuddling him, and he thinks walking around bollock naked is some kind of - what? Invitation to actual intimacy? I think it probably had more impact as a signal of how far things have broken down, because his nakedness must have seemed almost a display of what is now impossible to access. Like an angry signal.

Do not accept his blame or shame @missushbbb Or your own. Open discussion and frankness from both of you is the only healthy response to this but there is a possibility he has lined up someone else before he even tried to reach out to you. So his honesty now may be incomplete.

You have the right to be angry too: he hasn’t given you any lead up to this.

Agree with others that you need to accept this is over. It takes two to make a marriage work but only one to end it and he has made it clear it’s over for him and that’s his final decision.

You need to get to a place where you can move your head to agreeing amicable co-parenting. The more you can divorce with mutual respect and lack of animosity, the better for both of you.

He's checked out and thinks the grass is greener. It will be less painful in the long run to let him go.

Get practical. Start talking to him about separation and childcare, etc. See if he is serious about this.

Is he saying it for a reaction?

I'm very sorry you're so upset about this.

It sounds like neither of you has been good at communicating your wants and desires to the other partner.

It also sounds like he may have met someone else.

I'm assuming you stopped having sex? Once the sex goes the marriage is dead. And I think in many cases withdrawing sex from a marriage without a very good reason and without communicating why is a form of abuse. If my husband did that to me I would leave.

He did what he said he was going to, and found someone else so she could be himself. Ask him op. I am pretty sure he will have planned this.

I agree with this.

When the sex goes, the marriage is dead, (unless there's a medical reason and you're still intimate in other ways, such as cuddling and kissing or maybe using sex toys).

Communication is key in a marriage.

It is not your fault and its certainly more than not sleeping in the same bed. You say you have tried to be intimate but he is cold. These are the emotional games that unfaithful partners use. I say unfaithful in the sense that it could be physical or emotional on his part, but it is part of the emotional game of making him feel better about treating you badly and making you think it's your fault.
It isn't your fault and understand that he is playing mind games with you.
I know you are broken hearted but I don't think you can retrieve this, the signals he is giving are that he has already emotionally detached from you. It seems bleak hun and it will feel like that for a long time but it will get better and in time you will come to realise that this is his choice not yours and you have done nothing wrong

A man just walking about the house naked is pretty outrageous and not a ''turn on'' -a big turn off in fact!

Look out for the script OP. Sorry you're going through this

No. Sorry.
He wants to be himself, wants out.
It's over. I'm a woman and can perfectly relate to what he's saying.
Time to call it, I'm afraid.

Maybe he just feels a bit rejected. I know I always feel terribly rejected if I think I put on a nice dress and 'gave my husband a sign' and he doesn't follow up on it. When in reality I've not really communicated at all, but I thought he should know , if that makes sense. I think it's doubly hard for men to be rejected. And your kids are older so its been a long time, you can't really blame newborn days for lack of intimacy.
Maybe you guys just need a period of putting each other first. Maybe he just needs to feel wanted.
How about acknowledging your own faults and saying you want marriage counseling

Is that what happens, you sit in separate rooms, sleep in seperate beds, there is no intimacy? If thos is the case, then it was already over op.

so what’s upsetting you the most, is it a financial thing, living alone, what’s the thing bothering you the most?

It’s clearly wat more than that, they haven’t slept in the same bed for years, The youngest is six, they clearly haven’t had sex for years, and don’t sit in rhe same room when the kids are in bed.

it was over a long time ago , and that’s not a marriage. It’s housemates co parenting.

He's doing a good job of making you think this is all your fault isn't he.

If sleeping apart was an issue he needed to raise it. He didn't. I think he's got another option available and he wants to take the blame for splitting up so he doesn't have to.

It sounds like there's been very little communication in your marriage for years and neither of you seem to have bothered to do much about it. You're more like flatmates than a married couple. Honestly, you'll both be better off apart and moving on. If you really wanted to stay together you both would have made more effort years ago, not just coasted along burying your heads on the sand.

It sounds like you've not been a real couple for a very long time. I think your DH is right. You can't just plod on being housemates for another decade.

Here's what, reading between the lines, I think may have happened. I could be wrong; but if I'm not, I suspect your marriage may be over.

Most or all of the sex in your relationship was instigated at bedtime.

You started sleeping in separate beds to get a better night's sleep. This meant that you now needed to be more deliberate to instigate sex.

You had children, which tired you out, and made it even more difficult to instigate sex during the daytime.

Your husband started to get frustrated that you wanted intimacy but it never led to sex. He began to shun cuddles because avoiding physical contact meant he never got aroused and then disappointed.

This led to a vicious circle in which he got colder and started to spend less time with you because it was easier.

You became flatmates.

You could go to marriage counselling, but it's going to be hard to unlearn a decade of his training himself not to want intimacy with you.

Because for all his attempts to pin this on you for your initial decision, he had many years to tell you it wasn't working for him, and he didn't do so. He shares culpability in this. But it still may be too late.

Can you imagine the outrage on here if he had told her he felt rejected because of the lack of sex? Posters would have called him a sex pest. Sometimes men get it wrong on here whichever way they play it.
OP you haven't addressed your concern about the lack of sex to your husband which means it probably didn't bother you. You haven't expressed anything about him which sounds like you enjoy his company and find him attractive. It does sound as if your marriage is over.
You may find living without him a relief.