Husband wants to split up

[missushbbb]

I'm distraught. I feel sick can't sleep or eat. He's told me he doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore. We've slept apart over the years as I was a terrible sleeper, it was supposed to be a temporary thing then when we had kids it kept going. I realise now this was a terrible idea and between that and busy lives with the kids, we've become co parents rather than a couple. I'm desperate to keep trying but he seems decided. Kids are 6 and 11. I feel I will never get over this and worst of all it's all my own fault.

Honestly, the relationship sounds broken. Neither of you have communicated and as a result you have grown apart to the point where he feels its best to separate. You have taken each other for granted, presuming it would work out. Your eldest is 11, have you been sleeping apart for over a decade? When was the last time you were intimate? This was never going to end well. I'm sorry he feels like he doenst want to fix it but your marriage isn't healthy and sounds like this has been coming for a while, neither of you have been bothered to make some effort and this is the result.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you but do not blame yourself solely for this - he has had ample opportunity to speak up and when communication breaks down to this extent it’s because both parties stop talking and working together. Has he met someone else? That’s usually the catalyst for one person walking after a marriage bumbling along for years. Would he consider counselling to try and get things back on track?

Do you really want him or do you just want a husband and provider? Loads of threads on here from women who divorce because they cannot live with lack of intimacy in a relationship. As many threads on here will attest, splits are not always 50/50 blame. The law recognises the irretrievable breakdown of a relationship and if you haven't made an effort to be intimate in such a long time, the end was inevitable.

This^^

Do you mean you haven’t slept together in over a decade? Can you ask whether he would try counselling to work through things, and try and regain some of the intimacy in your relationship that has disappeared?

@MrsElijahMikaelson1 the op has said he rejects her trying to cuddle him and is cold. Cuddling and being loving is usually the prelude to sex in a long term relationship and seems he shut the door on this? I do agree though Lack of sex is not good in relationship however seems nothing has been communicated till now, he closed up and then dropped the bomb 💣

sorry but myself and my husband have slept with one of our children between us for more than half of our 22 year relationship. Not sleeping together doesn't end a marriage. There are other things going on here and pretty sure the sleeping arrangement isn't the cause

I’m sorry but the phrase “he wants to be himself and meet someone that wants him” is the truth here. The bed sharing is the excuse to leave.

He may or may not have an OW lined up. But this is the story in his head that he will tell himself (and others?) that he left because of the lack of sex and intimacy - caused by you.

The fact he didn’t raise the issue with you and infact was happy to sit on his own watching Tv, shows this is all a red herring I believe.

He’s already checked out and is looking for a reason to go. If you are willing to blame yourself, that’s a bonus for him.

So sorry.

Intimacy is around more than sex and cuddles. I’m suggesting regaining some emotional intimacy first. You can’t go from not having sex for a very long time to hysterical bonding sex.

It sounds like he feels unloved; whether or not that has led to an affair or thoughts of, not sleeping together and no intimacy in a decade is not a marriage. Talking this through would be beneficial though it sounds like the horse has bolted.

It sounds like he has unrealistic ideas of what women are like in a LTR, and perhaps you have unrealistic ideas of what men need to feel wanted. Few women in a LTR are going to feel spontaneous lust at the sight of their man walking around naked, whereas this is common for men. So he interprets your lack of lust as not wanting him. It is common for men to need physical closeness and sex to feel connected, just as it's common for women to need shared experiences, romance, talking feelings to feel connected. It doesn't help to say we're just too busy with kids to be sex/talk to each other/put effort into sex/put effort into romance.

I mentioned up-thread that Dr Psych Mom is great - she's straight talking and calls out men and women equally on unrealistic ideas. She's very good at explaining to men how female sexuality works in a LTR. These articles might help you and him :
https://www.drpsychmom.com/what-men-think-about-sex-versus-reality-no-preschooler-drawings-in-this-post-sorry/

https://www.drpsychmom.com/men-secretly-want-therapist-tells/

Well, try to sit down and have a thorough discussion.
Be completely honest with yourself - did you withdraw physically and emotionally?
His walking around naked comment seemed to be an open gesture without being pressuring.
Buy some sexy lingerie, go out for some meals, go to the theatre, go to the cinema - try to reconnect on all levels.

I agree about the two different ways in which men and women interact in terms of sexual attraction.

But why is it always the women who have to understand and accommodate this and not the bloke? Surely the understanding has to come from both sides?

Why can’t men put in a bit of effort and read a book and learn that women are not immediately or consistently raring to go just because their dhs walk naked around the bedroom?

Op says her dh was cold and indifferent to her and that is a huge turn off for most women. Why couldn’t he have done some research and learnt about that?

Or if he was unsure or unhappy, , could he not have initiated a kind, non-blaming conversation and started by taking her out on a date?

This is why I recommended Dr Psych Mom. She does a lot of explaining bluntly to men that they don't understand how women work, and that if they leave one relationship because their wife is not hot to trot just seeing them in their underpants, 3 years down the line the next relationship will be exactly the same.

www.drpsychmom.com/what-men-think-about-sex-versus-reality-no-preschooler-drawings-in-this-post-sorry/

Sorry, posted wrong link & edit won't work. Meant to be : https://www.drpsychmom.com/10-pro-female-posts-and-episodes-for-women-who-complain-that-im-anti-woman/

Sounds like he has checked out and maybe it’s the end of the road now. It’s hard to come back from this level of emotional distance.

Sorry you are going through this

It sounds to me like an excuse. He is putting all the blame on you, maybe to ease his guilt about something?

@missushbbb let him go.

I was where you are now last year. He left and has shacked up with someone else. I've been on my own since and done work on myself. I was not blameless in the end of my marriage. But then neither was my ex. I can see that now.

It's not just on you. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Two people to recognise their own needs and to verbalise those needs. Two people to communicate in a healthy way. Two people to compromise. You can't do everything by yourself.

Let him go and give each other time to reflect and space to deal with things. Accept you might not ever get back together. But you will come to realise how strong and happy you can be on your own.

It sounds like a relationship where there was a distance between you, not just sexually but in a lot of ways.

It sounds like neither of you communicated this and or one of you did, the other didn't listen.

Good relationships don't just exist. They are maintained. Good communication, good intimacy (good just sex), and checking in with each other.

I dont think walking around naked is the way to go .Most women want an emotional connection and cuddles ,nights out and so on .It does sound like he has checked out .

Do you think you might be better apart? Neither of you sound happy or that you are getting much out of the marriage. I am sure the thought of being on your own is a shock but that is not a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship.

He has someone else waiting in the wings and the sleeping arrangements is his convenient excuse to leave and blame you.

If he was unhappy with the long term sleeping arrangements he could have discussed it and helped to find a resolution. He didn’t. How is that solely your fault?

This is about so much more than not sharing a bed - I know couples who’ve done this for years due to sleep issues and still have regular intimacy. It sounds like the relationship has detached on many levels - including sexually and emotionally.

Sorry you’re feeling so sad OP. Just wanted to join the others to reiterate that of course it’s not all your fault, there is always two to tango in a relationship! It is easier for your husband to frame it like this if he’s already checked out (whether there is OW or not), it’s human nature to shift the blame, it’s not easy to be the “bad one”.
Difficult to tell the full dynamic of your relationship from a few posts but a couple of things have caught my attention: He is cold when you try to cuddle him and sits in another room after children go to bed, then expects you to get turned on simply by looking at him walk around naked?!? He clearly knows very little about women, women generally need emotional intimacy in a relationship in order to want sexual intimacy.
Sounds like communication has been an issue, likely on both sides but try not to take all the blame. It’s not yours to take all of it.
All the best 💐

This.
I’m very sorry for you but it does sound like you haven’t been a proper couple in years- no sex, cuddles, or even sitting together at night.
You need to respect his feelings and move forward in your own separate lives.

You stopped being his loving partner. And what's wrong with giving your DH a compliment when he's walking around naked, surely you fancy him? I love seeing my DP post shower....and tell him so. Men need to be sexually desired. Sounds like you have both got into your own heads and built up walls. If you can't love him like that, desire him, then end it

I was your husband a couple of years ago and left a sexless and loveless marriage after 20+ years, although I didn't realise until I left exactly how loveless it was.

I didn't have anyone else "waiting in the wings" I was just so sick of feeling like I was living with a flatmate and it was mind numbingly boring and predictable. I did not want to be persuaded to stay or go to therapy to try and work things out. There wasn't a spark to reignite, it was completely dead. I have a feeling your H is in the same place. Alothough this will of course be painful for you right now, I don't think you have anything to gain by trying to convince him to give it another go. You might get another year or so out of it but I really do believe that dead marriages shouldn't be revived, it doesn't work longterm and neither one of you will be thouroughly happy.