Told him proper relationship or nothing — have I done the right thing

[ChersHandbag]

I’ve been seeing someone on and off since last spring. Always quite casually but he’s an old friend. Both divorced with children but him much more recently so.

A tension has come up between us and he’s always said he doesn’t want a relationship. But I suppose I like him a lot and secretly thought he’d change his mind. It’s so hard not to think that growing intimacy and time will lead to one. I’m terrible at casual sex, and though he was connected during the nights we’d spend together he was very noncommittal outside that.

I’ve texted him today saying that that the tension between us is that I do want a relationship (with him), and that though I accept he feels differently we better call it quits.

It was really hard though. Have I done the right thing?

100%

You know what you want out of a relationship, unfortunately this isn't what he wants.

Absolutely, there is no point on wasting time on something you don’t want.

I believe you have. Whilst you’re entertaining a guy with no intentions to make you his partner you could be missing out on a guy who wants to offer you the world.

Hugs 🤗 This is so strong of you ..least you are being true to yourself . Sounds like it was more of a situationship. He will have to step up if he is smart enough to realise your worth imo .It'll free you up to be able to get on the same page with someone who wants the same as you in the future.

Yip, he's not feeling it with too long term so you're wasting precious time when you could be passing o we someone that is. They never change their mind in real life, that's from movies

You absolutely have well done for sticking to your boundaries - just keep at them when he inevitably tries to test them! There are plenty of men wanting committed relationships now you are free to focus on meeting one of them x

you said he’s an old friend but I wouldn’t see him or be in contact with him for a while. Don’t give him the opportunity to ‘catch’ you at a weak moment.

Omg thanks everyone keep it coming, you are really helping me. I do love him.

You'll never be happy settling for less - so yes, you have done the right thing.

Sounds like he's been consistent and you're the one that was hoping you'd be able to change his mind. Sounds like it's the right time for you to move on.

Well done for being so strong, it's not easy when you've got to put a boundary up and then stick to it. Once he's replied I would cut off all contact, block him and give yourself some time to process the end of the "relationship". You've 100% done the right thing though and if he comes back saying he does want a relationship with you, just make sure that looks like exactly what you want it to. Don't let him fob you off for a bit longer just because you've stuck a different label on what's happening.

Yes, he has. I can’t help my feelings though. Nobody is at fault.

You’ve completely done the right thing. 🌸

You've definitely done the right thing. If it feels hard now, imagine how much harder it would be in a month's time.

You've handled this really well, and you're completely right - you can't help your feelings and neither can he, but you've been honest and dealt with it.

You’ve done the right thing. It’s been a year and it’s not going where you want it to go.

You can absolutely ‘help your feelings’ if, as you say, you entered into what was clearly for him always only a FWB situation (something he’s been consistent about), while secretly thinking he would change his mind, especially if he’s recently divorced and understandably not in the market for a relationship AND you know you are no good with casual sex.

No, of course you’re not wrong to end it now, but I’d think very carefully about whether your motivation isn’t a hope that he’ll realise what he’s missing and beg for a relationship.

You have definitely done the right thing! Well done OP. Casual doesn't work if you love him.

Well done OP. Stick to what you want and hold out for that.

I have a friend who wormed her way into the life of a bloke who made it quite clear he wasn’t interested. Made herself indispensable. Now married and miserable.

Honesty saves a lot of time.

Many men won't think of a serious relationship with someone whom they had casual sex with. You want a proper relationship, he doesn't. He'll either change his mind and want the same as you, or he'll move on to someone else - if a bloke can get sex every so often without the need for any real feelings or commitment, why would he want to change?

Well, they certainly won’t if, like this man, they’ve been quite clear all along about not wanting a relationship. It’s the OP who thought she could change his mind. He’s been consistent about what he can offer.

Not sure what your beef is @Microdisney, I’m not complaining about his behaviour, just looking for other women’s support with my feelings and life.

You have my support, for what it’s worth. You’ve done the right thing by ending it.

But as someone who knows they can’t do casual sex, don’t enter into an FWB situation in future hoping you can change someone’s mind into wanting a relationship. You’re just storing up pain.

when I went through something similar I found this quote really helped “don’t make someone a priority, if you’re only an option”.

It hurts because it matters to you. It’s ok to feel that but long term it will be the right decision if he’s not going to commit.