Told him proper relationship or nothing — have I done the right thing

[ChersHandbag]

I’ve been seeing someone on and off since last spring. Always quite casually but he’s an old friend. Both divorced with children but him much more recently so.

A tension has come up between us and he’s always said he doesn’t want a relationship. But I suppose I like him a lot and secretly thought he’d change his mind. It’s so hard not to think that growing intimacy and time will lead to one. I’m terrible at casual sex, and though he was connected during the nights we’d spend together he was very noncommittal outside that.

I’ve texted him today saying that that the tension between us is that I do want a relationship (with him), and that though I accept he feels differently we better call it quits.

It was really hard though. Have I done the right thing?

And there’s no way I’d let someone I truly wanted get away, so I know he doesn’t

You have definitely done the right thing.

It’s good to be self-respecting and true to yourself.

You tried and hoped because he was worth it and who could blame you for that. It must have been very hard.

Be proud 💐

Echoing PPs - absolutely the right thing for you to do, @ChersHandbag.

It really hurts when someone is more important to you than you are to them. Most of us have been there. Most of us have been in the other shoes too (quite possibly without even knowing it).

You can close the door on this situation knowing you gave it the best chance to become the relationship you wanted but without letting yourself be dangled for too long. That’s perfect. Well done, OP.

The problem with this I think is that I think men consider casual sex with someone they like 'enough' of a relationship sometimes, particularly after a serious relationship and/or later in life. They're not building towards anything other or more than this at this point and can remain in this stasis indefinitely if the peace isn't disturbed by escalating feelings from the woman's side.

IF you feel you want to build towards something more than the present is offering then you have absolutely done the right thing because he's not in that place. I know that is hard for women as that oxytocin we get from closeness to our physical mate is addictive very quickly to us and we crave more and more of it through building emotional intimacy alongside sex, less so to men so they can keep going at this pace with a hit of oxytocin from ejaculation keeping them sated and happy with a woman without the need to build further emotional intimacy to get a fix of it.

You're only human and behaving in a very common way and you're very strong for putting a leash on it and saving yourself further down the line.

No, you should have just blocked him and moved on.

Now he knows you're needy and he'll play you.

Disengage.
Block.

Don't play this game.

He is a player.

He likes the chase. Of course he was different at the start.

You were a handy female who he knew already.

Now you've told him he's in control of the relationship.

Dump and leave.

Recently come out of something similar in January after 18 months and I just wanted to let you know it gets easier the more time passes and the more you start to get your old life back. My situation was slightly different we were in a relationship but it felt casual as no progress and in the end it made me more unhappy than happy so like you I called time.

The first bit was hard and I missed him and still do, but two months on I just let those feelings come and go and they will become less for you.

As a pp said these relationships tend to hold the woman back more then men. I invested a lot where as he was arms length... You've tried your best and the best advise I can give it to find happiness by yourself, healing and enjoying time with you. When you get to a place of content and you want to explore dating again perhaps try someone completely new. And when the divorce is long out the way.

You have absolutely done the right thing. He is getting exactly what he wants out of the relationship but unfortunately that isn't what you want. I am in the man's position now where I am not ready to have a full on relationship but I do see and enjoy spending time with a man who I used to date almost 30 years ago. I have been completely transparent with him that this is all I have to offer at the moment and that it might never be more than this. He wants a proper relationship with me but I just can't after having come out of a 20+ years long fairly abusive marriage a couple of years ago. We have so much fun together but I have told him that he can date other people and if he meets anyone he wants to be with we will still remain friends.

I think that when you have a lot of history with somebody and nobody has been abusive etc the whole block and delete is overly harsh. As a middle aged woman I know relationships come in lots of different forms and if you genuinly like someone there is usually some type of relationship that can be had even if it doesn't look exactly like you thought initially.

Absolutely, this kind of black and white thinking and behaviour is a bit well, black and white on the middle aged stage of life where situations are complex and friendships run deep. I have a kind of a situationship with someone who I was once in quite a serious relationship with. For various complicated reasons we're not currently officially together but we text a lot, think the world of each other and occasionally meet for great sex. Sometimes that feels like enough, sometimes I'd like more and part of me envisages us in later middle age 'properly' being together (though never living together, that's something I never plan on doing with a man again). The struggle for me is not with defining things but being comfortable with the fluidity of it. I am grateful that I have a good man in my life with whom I have an amazing connection, one I never thought I would have- it doesn't look like what most people want but it mostly works for us.

It's easy to say things don't have to be black or white when you feel chessboard or grey about a connection to somebody.

When you feel upset by the dynamic, you feel upset /eroded/compromised by the dynamic, it doesn't matter how it would be perceived now in the future or in the past.

Do what brings back your equilibrium

You totally did the right thing. If you didn't this just gets worse and worse - it eats at your self-esteem.

Yes that’s it. There are some attachments I’d enjoy keeping like that but not this one: I love him

Yes you did the right thing. At best he will wake up and want to be in a relationship with you. At worst you could carry on and then find out he does want a relationship but with someone else.

You definitely did the right thing. What was his response?

Something nice but vague about how I was important to him and he didn’t want to make me unhappy. I think he’s thinking

Hm. And if after thinking he comes back and says maybe, what will you do?

Well then I’d see if we could talk

There is no doubt!

I really appreciated all the feedback on this. Thanks

10000% you have
you have been true to yourself
and that nagging feeling will fade

you will miss him however and have some pangs
so ride them

he’ll also maybe try and have sex with you again
most probably

but having done a longer period of this avoidant shit I truly wish I’d bailed earlier

This, with bells on!

I’m exactly here, OP - very similar sounding situation to yours except I’m now four years in and realising what a waste it’s been - don’t waste your precious time!

Well it seems you've been doing some sort of pick me dance for the past year, that happens a lot when you allow yourself to fall in love when either of you havn't finalised the previous relationship properly.

The thing is people tend to think they're special when given attention, that's normal especially at the start of a love affair but the newness wears off. Mid life relationships often need a big incentive, which to men that usually means punching well above their weight or some sort of financial incentive, sex alone doesn't usually fill the gap.
He did tell you he was unable to provide the full relationship experience and you thought you could change his mind, it's a good thing really because if you did force his hand the union would be unequal and unbalanced, you forever more trying to convince him that he made the right choice.

The takeaway is no matter how wonderful people think they are there will be other factors and other people that you have not taken into account, in this case it's a previous marriage that he has not yet ended, why would you battle against that. Next time find a single person with fewer options, as it stands this relationship could only end in one way with everyone being upset, you, him, maybe his ex, maybe your ex and obviously any children involved.

Mid life relationships in many cases are holidays away from marriages not permanent moves.

Right so he hasn't been sticking to the same 'I don't want a relationship' from the start. Initially he did and he told you he had feelings then his divorce changed this. You hoped this was a phase and as his divorce proceeded he may change his mind back to what he originally said?

I can see why you had hope but I think you've done the right thing for yourself, which is important.

I'm guessing he didn't predict how emotional a divorce can be and it's shocked him and now hes scared of that happening again so hes becoming distant.
As you know I'm sure, going through the process of divorce can be an emotional time, men more often don't predict this from the start. The finality of it, the loss you can feel and maybe regrets.

It's tough but you've done the right thing. Also I don't think you did the wrong thing in hoping he may change his mind back.

@GoAwayNorman what do you mean by this
Mid life relationships in many cases are holidays away from marriages not permanent moves.

@GoAwayNorman was trying to imply I was the OW. Nope.