Told him proper relationship or nothing — have I done the right thing

[ChersHandbag]

I’ve been seeing someone on and off since last spring. Always quite casually but he’s an old friend. Both divorced with children but him much more recently so.

A tension has come up between us and he’s always said he doesn’t want a relationship. But I suppose I like him a lot and secretly thought he’d change his mind. It’s so hard not to think that growing intimacy and time will lead to one. I’m terrible at casual sex, and though he was connected during the nights we’d spend together he was very noncommittal outside that.

I’ve texted him today saying that that the tension between us is that I do want a relationship (with him), and that though I accept he feels differently we better call it quits.

It was really hard though. Have I done the right thing?

As you said men often don't realise the finality of divorce, many men will try to re establish their marriages having taken time away to have mid life love affairs.

It appears in this case he was very interested in the beggining and as as time wore on his interest declined, sounds like a holiday to me, everything gets boring in the end, love alone does not sustain a union, especially when you find out it was predominantly one sided. Men tend to feel what they feel in the moment, that's why they get themselves into so much trouble, unable to view the future with clarity. Maybe he felt what he felt at the beggining but now the sex goggles have worn off he see's things with more logic.

For women I would say don't place your futures in the decisions of other's hands, especially men.

No, but I do think there are overlaps which people tend to evade.

This man was clearly not divorced, still not divorced, he may have been out of the family home but his finances and his mind may still have been firmly married.

Don't take a chance next time, regardless of the pontificating about when the relationship ended, it actually hadn't ended, he still has ties as do you.
Finalise your divorces and then re evaluate your relationship.

What if the shoe was on the other foot and you just come out of a relationship, and you told a BF that you were not looking for a relationship, and you were still being pestered for it, would that be fair?

Seeing he has told you that he is not after a realtionship you have every right to opt out. He has been clear with you from the get go going by your post

I’m not asking if it would be fair to ‘pester’ him, bloody hell. Some of you are very angry for no reason.

Thanks to the people who understood and were kind.

Sometimes I wonder what’s happened to this website. People come on looking for support and get kind of held up in some kind of moral court. It always hurts when I post something and people do that. I’m never wondering if I’m in “the” wrong.

I think you've done the right thing OP and you should be proud of yourself. It's very hard to walk away when you still have feelings for someone.
It will definitely get easier but I'm impressed by your decision to leave despite still wanting him. Well done and big hugs 💐

It sounds like you were relegated. So there was nothing low value about your standards. It was real! And then..... without any announcements, he relegated the relationship. It's hard to walk away the first moment you figure it out. You give the benefit of the doubt in the absence of other information. You did the right thing as soon as you had all the information. You didn't delude yourself wasting time in denial. He changed the goalposts and you just noticed.

Beware of the mixed messages he might send now to get you back. Full of compliments for you but still no commitment. If he pulls this, tell him "mixed messages are not for me" or something.

I think your right . And I know that it didn’t work for me because it made me anxious , and my own mental health was a bit jittery shall we say . But they are pretty ok with it ! A weekly fuck and affection and some companionship

Yes!

Yeah this is MN . Id never post a personal issue here anymore as whilst you get some good and sensible replies…. Unfortunately the nasty pings and jabs make you feel shit . It’s always like that here 🤷‍♀️ Always

also he’s not a ‘player’ . He’s just been honest and isn’t ready to commit . Fair enough . 👋

look after yourself op

Yeh, I have posted here a couple of times and I think posters assume that you're somebody that a social worker might encounter on a regular basis. I asked about my eldest who was playing up when I was on the phone to a boyfriend a few years ago. One boyfriend. ONE in the 17 years since I left my children's father. He was a good guy and really understanding and even he was never alone with my teens. And yet it was clear that a lot of people assumed I was ''desperate for a man'' and ''putting a man before my kids'' and I needed to dump him, focus on my kids, stop damaging my kids, stop traumatising them et cetera. My daughter would laugh and put her head in her hands now, she knows she was playing up. She's a lot more mature now. We have a good relationship and good communication but you would have sworn i was the mother of Shannon Matthews, that's the style of advice I was receiving!

Very true @GoAwayNorman I think a lot of men suddenly realise what they've lost and at least test the waters back home. I know of many middle aged men on their second marriages who are there because they are settling and the first wife wouldn't take them back. Chatting to them it seems its quite common.

Yes I think that’s probably true

You’ve definitely done the right thing, difficult though it might be at the moment. Just be wary that the security and familiarity you offer might be too tempting and he might come back with false promises - protect your future self from further pain down the line, it’s so easy to get caught up in these on/off relationships that cause no end of pain and require you to settle for something. Be true to yourself - always.

OP, I was in your shoes for a while. On and off for a couple of years. I did end up meeting a lovely man 'who wanted to give me the world' as a pp put it. Happily married now. There is hope and you have done the right thing!

@Here2agreewithOP I like the sound of your man! Brilliant news

You have so done the right thing. Well done cause it's damn hard

What's for you doesn't pass you by x

OP I think you have done the right thing for you. But as a kind of an antidote to the 'you're wasting time with him when you could be meeting someone else' or 'what's for you won't pass you' I have to say that the world is not in fact coming down with wonderful men with whom you can have a great connection who want exactly the same thing as you at the same time and who meet the major criteria most people have (solvent, kind, reasonably intelligent, living within a reasonable distance, certain level of physical attraction, etc). Especially at middle age.
I'm afraid some level of compromise is necessary. I have less of a commitment than I would ideally like with the man in my life but on balance I'd rather have him.some of the time than have all of the time with some of the other men who've crossed my path. And the more attractive and appealing men often will have busy and full lives where a relationship is just one aspect of their lives - I'm more or less that way myself.

It's not about class, a middle class woman is just as likely to put herself before her children than a working class woman.

In fact it is those who think they are more educated who tend to believe they are more deserving of a new found love in middle age. The majority of women I've known are women who have done quite well or have their parents cash behind them that decide they'd like a bit of an adonis from a working class background after their first marriage, only to find this passionate love comes with a passionatly selfish man behind it.

God I've known loads of them and it usually ends in tears.