Told him proper relationship or nothing — have I done the right thing

[ChersHandbag]

I’ve been seeing someone on and off since last spring. Always quite casually but he’s an old friend. Both divorced with children but him much more recently so.

A tension has come up between us and he’s always said he doesn’t want a relationship. But I suppose I like him a lot and secretly thought he’d change his mind. It’s so hard not to think that growing intimacy and time will lead to one. I’m terrible at casual sex, and though he was connected during the nights we’d spend together he was very noncommittal outside that.

I’ve texted him today saying that that the tension between us is that I do want a relationship (with him), and that though I accept he feels differently we better call it quits.

It was really hard though. Have I done the right thing?

Both divorced with children but him much more recently so.

I wonder if he wants to have his freedom for a while longer rather than going straight from one relationship into another.

Well I’ve learnt that. But also he wasn’t like this at the start — we kind of fell in love, then as his divorce proceeded his emotions seemed to harden into this. So it took me a while to catch up.

Yes, I think so! And that’s ok (though a lottle
hard to stomach for me to think about)

Can’t see anything wrong with what @Microdisney said. She wasn’t harsh or critical.

Have you been involved with him when he was still marries, as in, wwere you the OW and the cause of the split? it seems you have been friends but both married, then you were single, you started a relationship and he divorced later?

Neither of us have finished getting divorced, no. It’s taking years on both counts.

Hugs for you, it obviously wasn't an easy decision but better than having your heart completely destroyed a few years down the line.

Thanks @takemeawayagain

Not only the right decision but also a strong decision and doubtless one you're able to make because your self-esteem and your boundaries are good enough. Well done. You will be OK.

you have done the right thing.
Sorry if I missed this but has he replied to you or do you or do you know if he’s read it?

I agree with this. It shows you that your value yourself - this is so important!

You’ve made a brave and strong decision op. Good for you. It sounds as though he wasn’t completely transparent at the start of your relationship either.

You have done a good thing, respected yourself and left yourself open to form a relationship with someone who is 100% committed which is what you deserve.

Thanks. This has helped

100% right decision.

It's not working for you or making you happy.

Yes that’s the point isn’t it. He is perfect, but the form of the relationship is making me sad. I don’t think I’ll ever try casual sex again.

100% the right decision.

Decide what you want FIRST and stick to it. People will have far more respect for you and you won't be messed around.

You're the most important person here not him. x

He's been honest and you have hung in for a year hoping he'll change his mind. Its hard because you've given it too long and it just leads to stronger attachment on your part. You are doing the best for yourself. IME some men need time and a period of being single and casually dating after a long relationship, you are at different emotional stages in life so it's not compatible. Better to move on, anything else is just wasting your time.

Yes you’ve done the right thing. Stick to your guns❤️. Like you said nobody is at fault, it is what it is. Has he responded?

OP, ignore the unhelpful posts. You are a grown woman who offered intimacy, expecting commitment and emotional connection in return. Once it became crystal clear your bf would never give those to you, would never meet your needs, you called it quits. Well done!

Unfortunately, your heart was in it while his was not. I am really sorry. 😔 But you will heal and go on to meet a man who will reciprocate emotionally, and wants you for you.

Good for you. I had one of those half relationships, it eroded my self worth and i obsessed over my low worth. It was a relationship, but he was free,he had no obligation to me. 18 months in he mentioned his ingrowing toenail. What an arsehole. I was ALWAYS too good for him. I'm happy for you that you are not falling for this crap. I realised after this "man" that it's ok to have your own agenda and standards

Thanks @Rec0veringAcademic I liked your reply x

You have definitely made the right decision for u. Well done OP.

@ChersHandbag hope you’re feeling ok this evening.

There’s a saying.. when a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him

Yes I think that’s it. I’ve decided finally to believe him