I don't want this old friend to visit

[marshmallowdreams]

I have a very old friend. I've known him since my mid twenties when we worked together. He's lived on the other side of the world for about 30 years but we've kept in touch. He visits the UK every few years. At times we have had a lot of contact, usually when is having a difficult time, but in recent years not so much.

He's messaged me this week saying he's coming to the UK and wants to visit us while he's here. Problem is I really don't want to see him. The last few times we've met or talked he has been incredibly critical of me. He wants to know every intimate detail of my life and then tells me what I've done wrong. He likes to tell me what a fuck up I was in my twenties (don't think I was that bad) and laugh at me with his wife. She is very socially anxious but manages to make passive aggressive comments about my parenting. They are very difficult and stressful guests.

We were close once but whenever we are together now I just feel attacked. How do I tell him I just don't want to see them while they are here? We live far away their main UK destination so they are making a big effort and I feel a bit mean.

JUST SAY NO 💕

I would tell him how he’s made you feel in the past and say you’re not up for meeting up on his next visit. Keep the wording to how you felt, not that he said X, Y & Z. There’s no arguing or disagreeing with how you felt.

It will show you if he really cares or he enjoys putting someone down.

Either ignore him or just say no you’re not free, don’t back down.

Eh? Just say no. Sorry that’s a really busy week, can’t make it, have a great trip though.

"Not a good time for me. Enjoy your visit here."

He’s not too concerned about being mean you…

Be your own advocate. If it was your child dealing with a mean child what would you do? You are allowed to stand up for yourself. It’s not a requirement to make nice to people that aren’t nice to us.

Just say no. You really don't need this shit.
I'd go further and block him.

You've moved apart and you owe him nothing.

How long is he over for? I’d be really busy then.

Tell him you're having the ceilings painted/house fumigated/walls plastered/a new boiler that week, so sorry would love to host but not able to, terrible shame!

Or, you know, tell him the truth. Someone who treats you like that isn't your friend.

Say exactly what you’ve said here. His own critical behaviour has understandably made you unwilling to see him. I wouldn’t go to the bother of inventing excuses.

The fact you don't think the solution is just saying no to him indicates the dynamics of your relationship and it's not healthy from you side. If that's how he has made you feel then say no. You don't have to justify it to anyone. And you say you feel mean, but isn't that exactly what he is. Mean to you.

Doesn't sound much like a friend!

Just say you already have plans at such short notice you can’t change them. Done.

I am not sure if he has told you this week he is coming in future or is coming this week.

Either way, what a shame it is your cousin’s wedding and you aren’t around

He's given me a month long window of availability. You are all right of course but I'm finding it hard to just tell him straight. He is very persistent and will want justification.

Just ignore him. How has someone who lives so far away got such a hold on you and why do you let him.

Who gives a shit what justification he wants. Ignore him.

Ok.

”friend, whenever you visit, you put me down and I don’t enjoy it. So I’d rather you didn’t stay with us. If you still want to visit MyTown, let me know where you are staying and I will swing by for a drink and see how we get on together “

Then don’t lie. Tell the truth, that his behaviour during his last few visits hasn’t made him pleasant company, and you don’t want to repeat it.

He’s no friend and lives on the other side of the world, just ignore him/block him and forget about him, you owe him nothing.

Don’t lie, you will cringe and feel bad.
Just say I’m really sorry (if you want to say that) but we won’t be able to have you at ours this year.

Just tell him you're not available. If he wants justification, tell him you're not available. If he asks why, tell him you're not available. Eventually he'll realise he's making an idiot of himself.

What's the risk in doing this?

But that doesn’t mean you have to give him an explanation or examples.

Tbh, if you’re not able to say this then I would make any excuse or be very vague & non committal. The slow fade.

I’d be unavailable - just too busy or you already have guests or some water right excuse.

And then, given this is how you feel about him, I’d let it drift.

But I was going to say, from reading your title, that you should go with your gut when meeting up. I saw an old friend last year and I just knew I didn’t want to meet up and gosh I wish I had listened to myself. She attacked me and was hostile.

This is good advice! I think we can sometimes see where boundaries should be for other people, especially our kids, but feel guilty about it when it comes to ourselves.