I don't want this old friend to visit

[marshmallowdreams]

I have a very old friend. I've known him since my mid twenties when we worked together. He's lived on the other side of the world for about 30 years but we've kept in touch. He visits the UK every few years. At times we have had a lot of contact, usually when is having a difficult time, but in recent years not so much.

He's messaged me this week saying he's coming to the UK and wants to visit us while he's here. Problem is I really don't want to see him. The last few times we've met or talked he has been incredibly critical of me. He wants to know every intimate detail of my life and then tells me what I've done wrong. He likes to tell me what a fuck up I was in my twenties (don't think I was that bad) and laugh at me with his wife. She is very socially anxious but manages to make passive aggressive comments about my parenting. They are very difficult and stressful guests.

We were close once but whenever we are together now I just feel attacked. How do I tell him I just don't want to see them while they are here? We live far away their main UK destination so they are making a big effort and I feel a bit mean.

Great response. I would send this. It's to the point.

He’s mean and critical of you so I think it’s reasonable to be honest and be mean and critical of him.

“Sorry but I won’t be available as I don’t feel like I would enjoy seeing you, the last few times I’ve seen you and Wife you have both been mean, passive aggressive and critical of me. I think we have obviously grown into different people and I don’t like the person you’ve become. I think the friendship has run its course.’

Then block and move on from this person. Life is too short to stay with friends who make you feel bad about yourself.

marshmallowdreams · Yesterday 20:59
**
He's given me a month long window of availability. You are all right of course but I'm finding it hard to just tell him straight. He is very persistent and will want justification.”

What an arsehole. Justification?!
Tell him no, tell him precisely why then block.

"No thank you, I don't want to"

Then block him everywhere. He's not a friend, so what's the problem?

I think your friendship has run it's course.

Say you're not available and if he presses just say you feel verbally bullied by him and no longer want to meet.

Life's too short for shit friends.

If you find it easier just lie through your teeth ie Your friend is going through something and you are helping out with her children.
Work has a massive project
You're moving house temporarily (happened quickly)
You don't owe him anything.
Protect yourself at all costs

He isn't a friend, he's an obligation. The friendship has run its course and you're allowed to let it fizzle out.

'You were both so critical of me last time, I'm afraid it's an experience I don't want to repeat.'

Sometimes you do have to be very clear, and it's a gift to him. He may be critical with all his friends and not understand why they don't want to see him anymore. Now he has his answer.

You don't need to justify anything.

Just say it's not convenient without giving a reason. Apply the cracked record approach. If you give a reason for l, he will give one for white. Remember, no is a complete sentence.

I would meet him, but not at your house, in a neutral place, then the second he or his wife start bitching at you / being passive agressive I would start saying equally mean things back to them, it could end up being a very short meeting,
It seems like you need to get things off your chest with him

Just say thanks but no thanks, you don't fancy being ridiculed and then block him.

Aren't you going away that week too?

How are you planning to approach this OP? I truly hope you don’t just obey and submit to being criticised and undermined.

I would look at this as a personal development opportunity.

I would plan how to be assertive and put myself out of my comfort zone with a snappy text.

I would approach it with a sense of joy and achievement that I can practice putting down new personal boundaries in a relatively safe way - because he doesn’t live next door etc - if he kicks off (he will) - I would take pleasure in knowing you were right and cut him off.

I would probably enjoy slapping him down and holding my ground - calmly and assertively .... so you grow emotionally and you can take that new experience and new found strength to other parts of your life.

Good on you for knowing this isn’t acceptable.

Be brave.

And know that you can’t have courage without fear.

What can he do to you if you message him and say absolutely not, you and your wife are rude as fuck to me and I'm sick of it. Lose my number.

I'm serious - what can he do? Beat you up? Have you fired? Evicted? Steal all your money?

What can he do that's so frightening you'd rather carry on letting them laugh at you?

Love this so much!!! Yes- use this experience as a useful exercise in standing up for yourself and being the friend to yourself that he never has been.

If he really wants a justification then he can have one: "Hi X, I don't feel comfortable spending time with you. The last few times you have been very critical of me and I don't enjoy it and I don't like it. I think our friendship has run its course. I wish you all the best for the future." Then block.

Polite, factual, non emotional and speaking your truth. Once you are shot of him, imagine the sweet relief it will bring!

'Hi exf I hope you have a lovely visit but I'm afraid I won't be able to meet up, let me know if you want any recommendations'

Why but why!!!

The last few times we've spoken and met up I've felt very put down, feel like you targeted any mistake I've made over the years and used it for your amusement. As you can imagine I'm not keen to repeat this so I'll have to stick with 'I'm not available to meet up'

You're being to sensitive blah blah

'Again, that is the way I was made to feel, so no I won't be available to meet up'

Just keep repeating yourself. OR just block him. It doesn't sound like you'll be missing out on a lot.

Hi Ex-Friend. Over your past few visits, it's become increasingly apparent to me that we've grown apart. I think the friendship has run its course, so I'm afraid we won't be seeing you moving forward. Best of luck with the future. OP

My other thought is accusation of you being a fuck up in your ‘20s.

We all were. It’s what gives us texture, character and empathy.

Seems to that he is still the fuck up 30 years later as he has zero emotional or social intelligence.

You’ve moved on from this reprobate.

Excellent response!
OP, you owe it to yourself to get this leech out of your life.
Rip off the plaster and do it. You will feel a sense of achievement!