Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want this old friend to visit

94 replies

marshmallowdreams · 15/03/2024 20:32

I have a very old friend. I've known him since my mid twenties when we worked together. He's lived on the other side of the world for about 30 years but we've kept in touch. He visits the UK every few years. At times we have had a lot of contact, usually when is having a difficult time, but in recent years not so much.

He's messaged me this week saying he's coming to the UK and wants to visit us while he's here. Problem is I really don't want to see him. The last few times we've met or talked he has been incredibly critical of me. He wants to know every intimate detail of my life and then tells me what I've done wrong. He likes to tell me what a fuck up I was in my twenties (don't think I was that bad) and laugh at me with his wife. She is very socially anxious but manages to make passive aggressive comments about my parenting. They are very difficult and stressful guests.

We were close once but whenever we are together now I just feel attacked. How do I tell him I just don't want to see them while they are here? We live far away their main UK destination so they are making a big effort and I feel a bit mean.

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 16/03/2024 06:17

Thanks for your message offering to come and stay. For personal reasons, we have made the decision we won’t be hosting guests for now. So we won’t be seeing you at all during this visit. I’m sure you will enjoy your trip all the same. All the best !

If he is rude enough to be pushy after that message, send another saying….. Thanks for asking, yes we are quite well thanks, but your visit to us last time wasn't as successful for us as it obviously was for you and for our own well-being, we have decided to give the hosting a miss this time.

Then you can either ignore further messages or block.

Autienotnaughtie · 16/03/2024 06:30

You can either make an excuse - sorry I'm not ina place to host right now.

Or be honest - I haven't enjoyed your company recently due to your criticisms, I'd prefer not to meet.

You can block him after if you feel uncomfortable talking about it.

PrinceLouisWeirdFinger · 16/03/2024 06:40

Hi Bob, I hope you enjoy your stay but don’t include us in your plans. The last few times we've met or talked I have felt that you were incredibly critical of me. You want to know every intimate detail of my life and then tell me what I've done wrong. You like to tell me what a fuck up I was in my twenties (don't think I was that bad) and laugh at me with your wife who manages to make passive aggressive comments about my parenting. All in all, I find you very difficult and stressful guests so I’d rather not meet up. All the best,

LetItBlow · 16/03/2024 06:44

A friend I had known for years moved to another country but expected to be hosted every single time she and her family visited the country. She was never in touch in between visits but tended to announce, 'I'm coming during this time period, when can we come to yours'. Last time I said we can't make it, and she insisted and insisted so I met up with her at a cafe, rather than hosting them with all the catering and preparations that this entails. She was furious. I explained to her that as a family we don't have the time to host her family in the way we used to as the dc are older, have their own friends and we all have different priorities now. For me, the deciding factor was that she was never in touch unless she wanted to come and visit us. it felt like she used us as a holiday camp and entertainment rather than nurturing an ongoing friendship.

Enough to say that explaining that we are no longer available in the way we used to be, but that'd I'd happily meet her for coffee somewhere without the families when she is in the area did not go down well. I have not heard from her again 😂.

All you need to say is that you are not available. If you are happy to let the connection go, explain that you have moved on from the friendship. 'Hi friend, we have got a lot going on at the moment and won't be able to meet this time. Hope you have a great time.' or 'Hi friend, I don't feel we have the same comfortable friendship we once had and am no longer available to meet' I hope you enjoy your stay.

Onelifeonly · 16/03/2024 07:04

If you are OK with never seeing or hearing from him again, either tell him what you've told us or just say you don't want to without explanation. Any excuses you make will be a source of suggestions from him as to how they could be overcome.

Friends should bring something positive to your life. If they don't, why keep them? (This is something I realised about an old 'friend' of mine recently. When we met our friendship served us well, but since then I've never felt that she was that interested in me and our life styles are very different. Often what she said felt like an implied criticism of my life - even though everyone else I know has a life style much more similar to mine than hers.)

Maray1967 · 16/03/2024 07:16

marshmallowdreams · 15/03/2024 20:59

He's given me a month long window of availability. You are all right of course but I'm finding it hard to just tell him straight. He is very persistent and will want justification.

I am not friends with someone who ‘will want justification’. This is awful - just say no, or tell him exactly why.

StarlightLady · 16/03/2024 07:25

You are not at school and you do not have to do anything you don’t want to do.

So, don’t see him. You can either tell a white lie about you whereabouts/availability (some MNetters will disagree with this one) or simply ignore him.

HesterPrincess · 16/03/2024 07:35

In the kindest way, why on earth are you keeping in touch with someone who enjoys putting you down? And it's bad enough that he does, but his wife as well?! Seriously, tell them both the truth.

Isthisit22 · 16/03/2024 07:40

Just end the whole ‘friendship’. If you don’t want to see him and he’s awful to you why bother even have any communication. Tell him the friendship is over and block

Epidote · 16/03/2024 07:49

He is critical, insisting an persistent
Do the same a be brief. Something in the lines of "Are you going to make fun of my life? Criticizes my parenting and make yourself a big person putting me down telling the same old tales that you cant even remember correctly? If that is the case, I would pass my dear, I had enough of it"

He may think you are rude, but who cares what he thinks of you at this point.
That kind of sentence will close any possibility of him trying to reach you again and you will be telling him exactly what you think.

As the tone is high there is no gap for him firing back with "oh you misunderstood" or that crap.

I think is a win win tbh.
Hard to say, but satisfying once is said.

AmaryllisChorus · 16/03/2024 07:50

Be honest.

It's not going to be possible for you to come and stay. Your previous visits have left me upset because you are so critical of me and mock me about the past. That's not what I look for in a friendship, and I'm at a life stage where I'm ready to move on from people who just aren't that nice to me.

AmaryllisChorus · 16/03/2024 07:53

LetItBlow · 16/03/2024 06:44

A friend I had known for years moved to another country but expected to be hosted every single time she and her family visited the country. She was never in touch in between visits but tended to announce, 'I'm coming during this time period, when can we come to yours'. Last time I said we can't make it, and she insisted and insisted so I met up with her at a cafe, rather than hosting them with all the catering and preparations that this entails. She was furious. I explained to her that as a family we don't have the time to host her family in the way we used to as the dc are older, have their own friends and we all have different priorities now. For me, the deciding factor was that she was never in touch unless she wanted to come and visit us. it felt like she used us as a holiday camp and entertainment rather than nurturing an ongoing friendship.

Enough to say that explaining that we are no longer available in the way we used to be, but that'd I'd happily meet her for coffee somewhere without the families when she is in the area did not go down well. I have not heard from her again 😂.

All you need to say is that you are not available. If you are happy to let the connection go, explain that you have moved on from the friendship. 'Hi friend, we have got a lot going on at the moment and won't be able to meet this time. Hope you have a great time.' or 'Hi friend, I don't feel we have the same comfortable friendship we once had and am no longer available to meet' I hope you enjoy your stay.

Oh I hate people like this. I once got a call from someone who did this and said outright: what are you after? You only call when you want something so cut to the chase.

She did stop pretending to be a friend after that.

LightSwerve · 16/03/2024 07:57

marshmallowdreams · 15/03/2024 20:59

He's given me a month long window of availability. You are all right of course but I'm finding it hard to just tell him straight. He is very persistent and will want justification.

If you don't want to state why, just say 'I'm afraid it's not possible. I'm not going to explain why, but I won't be available to meet.' Send it in writing and repeat if challenged.

If he's very persistent you will need to review your boundaries.

CHEESEY13 · 16/03/2024 08:02

No,no,no!
He's feeding his ego at the expense of your self-esteem and his wife sounds like a nasty piece of work if she thinks she can make observations on your parenting skills - who do these two dodgy types think they are?
This you do not need. Just say it's inconvenient to have them visit, no need to go into detail - let them imagine what they will!

MakeItRain · 16/03/2024 08:09

I'd just go with what a pp suggested - "Sorry I'm not in a position to host anyone right now, but enjoy your trip." If he pushes just repeat," I don't want to go into it, but we can't host right now." Then if he's persistent send a shocked face emoji and say "sorry if I'm not being clear, but we're not having guests."
I mean, to be honest there are any number of reasons you might not want to host that are none of his business - child having social difficulties, one of you with health issues, problem with the house... and a good friend will just accept your response. If he gets really pushy then you can use a more direct response and say his persistence and how he's treating you here is part of the problem.

Dontbeme · 16/03/2024 08:15

I wouldn't be honest OP, he sounds like the type if you explain how his criticism has hurt you he will jump on that you're too sensitive, he's trying to help you better yourself or other nonsense. Just a simple "we're busy then and cannot see you, enjoy your trip" no explanation of why you're busy, no apologies, no engaging to "solve" being busy and then ghost him.

Starspangledrodeopony · 16/03/2024 08:34

Don’t let this arrogant twat steamroller you. Say it doesn’t work for you and if he insists n persisting, tell him why. It’ll be a blessing if he never speaks to you again.

He obviously likes to surround himself with women who don’t stand up to him. Break the cycle.

Joystir59 · 16/03/2024 08:51

I would be honest and say I don't want to see them any more as I no longer enjoy spending time with them.

FasterthanaButteredOtter · 16/03/2024 09:05

He obviously likes to surround himself with women who don’t stand up to him. Break the cycle.

I was just thinking this too! He sounds like a prat.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 16/03/2024 09:08

Telling him how he's made you feel is giving the satisfaction that he can make you feel that way. You don't need to make excuses, you don't owe him an explanation. You can either message back a simple 'we won't be seeing you when you visit' then don't engage any further or just ignore and don't reply at all. This man is not a friend, he's toxic and he's abusive to you. You don't need someone like this in your life. If his contact with you has been minimal in recent years, this is a good time to cut him off altogether.

LetItBlow · 16/03/2024 09:10

Dontbeme · 16/03/2024 08:15

I wouldn't be honest OP, he sounds like the type if you explain how his criticism has hurt you he will jump on that you're too sensitive, he's trying to help you better yourself or other nonsense. Just a simple "we're busy then and cannot see you, enjoy your trip" no explanation of why you're busy, no apologies, no engaging to "solve" being busy and then ghost him.

I agree.

When I told ex friend that we weren't available to meet as a family but I could meet her for coffee, she replied that they could take the train to visit us 😏ehh, no, I just said that my dc aren't available to have her and her children at our house.

I reiterated that sorry, they can't make it his times as they have their own plans but I'd see her for a coffee. So she got her dc to texting mine directly to arrange a meet up (manipulative and not taking no for an answer).

She replied to me that I am stubborn, which is no surprise as my star sign is stubborn 😁to which I replied, 'ok never mind let's leave it this time' she then came back, oh that was just a joke bla bla.

OP, get rid of this so called friend. he sounds a nuisance. Be very clear, decisive and simple in your message.

Alondra · 16/03/2024 09:30

marshmallowdreams · 15/03/2024 20:59

He's given me a month long window of availability. You are all right of course but I'm finding it hard to just tell him straight. He is very persistent and will want justification.

You don't need to tell him straight you don't want to see him. A message saying something like "So nice to hear from you but unfortunately we won't be able to catch up, I have too much on my plate personal and workwise. Enjoy your time back home", will put your boundaries in place without telling him you don't want to see him.

Alondra · 16/03/2024 09:41

If he keeps the persistence, a further message saying "I'm sorry but I don't want to discuss certain issues. Hope you have a great time back home".

It's polite, clear, and unmistakable. Don't feel bad for being polite while making it clear to your friend, that you don't want to see him or are interested in continuing the friendship.

Bobbotgegrinch · 16/03/2024 10:35

It doesn't sound like you want to stay friends with him, so it doesn't really matter if you offend him.

Just message back with "Sorry, I'm afraid I won't be available", job done.

If he won't take that as an answer just block him.

EvelynBeatrice · 16/03/2024 11:47

Tell the truth!
"I realised I felt dread and depressed at the thought of your visit. I didn't enjoy your company last time which seemed to consist of being critical of me when I hadn't asked you for an opinion. Best leave it. Hope all goes well for you in the future. "