I don't want this old friend to visit

[marshmallowdreams]

I have a very old friend. I've known him since my mid twenties when we worked together. He's lived on the other side of the world for about 30 years but we've kept in touch. He visits the UK every few years. At times we have had a lot of contact, usually when is having a difficult time, but in recent years not so much.

He's messaged me this week saying he's coming to the UK and wants to visit us while he's here. Problem is I really don't want to see him. The last few times we've met or talked he has been incredibly critical of me. He wants to know every intimate detail of my life and then tells me what I've done wrong. He likes to tell me what a fuck up I was in my twenties (don't think I was that bad) and laugh at me with his wife. She is very socially anxious but manages to make passive aggressive comments about my parenting. They are very difficult and stressful guests.

We were close once but whenever we are together now I just feel attacked. How do I tell him I just don't want to see them while they are here? We live far away their main UK destination so they are making a big effort and I feel a bit mean.

Why didnt you tell him how you felt at the time? Why did you even bother to keep in touch?

& honestly, just woman up message and tell him the last meet wasnt pleasant for you so you'd rather not.

I just can't fathom why you're in a tizz over a friend you barely see, and doesn't make you feel good. He's not your dad you know, just send him a message and then block him fgs, all this angst is a waste of time

Stand up for yourself, he's not your friend, send him a message, trust me, you'll feel better after removing these toxic people from your life.
"I will not be available to meet or host you on your next visit as the last few times we have met you have been very critical of me.
You have bought up the past and made me out to be a fuck up which you and your df seem to find funny for some reason.
You want to know the details of my life then proceed to tell me what I've done wrong.
Your df seems to think it's acceptable to make passive aggressive comments about my parenting.
After spending time in your company I'm left feeling attacked.
If someone treated you like this I'm sure you wouldn't be in too much of a hurry to see them again"

I meant dw not df 🙄

Is it you and your partner?

If it is and your old friend really does want to know why you're saying now then I would tell him why! The reason I ask if you have a partner is it always sounds stronger if you say we found…

I think I would have to say something like: although it's nice to keep in touch via message, when you stayed last time, partner and I found that you were so critical of XYZ and you made me feel so XYZ that afterwards we agreed that you shouldn't stay again. Obviously nobody wants someone to come into their home and criticise them so it's better for me if we just stick to messages.

Tbh though I don't know why you are still friends with him.

He's a bully and puts you down to feel better about himself.

I would tell him why you don't want to see him such as 'I have felt criticised and badgered the last few times we've met. And I've decided I'm not going to put myself through that again. It's not my idea of friendship.'

if he persists, say 'I'm not going to discuss this anymore.' and refuse to do so. You will feel so much better when draw your boundaries and hold firm.

"I'm so sorry, now just isn't the right time, I have A lot going. Enjoy your visit" 🤣

Be brutally honest, if that's what it takes. He and his wife seem quite happy to rip the shit out of you, so don't you for 1 second worry about offending them.
Tell him you're done being the butt of his jokes, you're done tolerating his undermining comments and you won't be meeting up with them when they're over.
Spend time with people who lift you up, not the ones who put you down.
Do it by text if need be, but do it soon instead of having it hanging over you.

You don't have to justify yourself to him or anyone else. You don't have to see him if you don't want to. You just have to be honest and tell him. Stand up for yourself!

Hi friend, hard as this is for me to say, I've decided to just be honest with you and say that I feel quite deflated after seeing you because of your negative comments, digs and criticisms of me. Please don't ask me to expand on that, I'm really not up for discussing it further. So I'm going to say no to a visit, wish you and dw well and hope you enjoy your trip.

This is perfect 👌

Or just say, “I’m afraid we are very busy all month and won’t be able to see you. Have a good time in x city though!”

If he says surely you must have time, a whole month, we’ve come all this way etc - just keep saying the same thing, broken record: sorry no, we are busy for that whole period, but do have a lovely time in other part of the country.

He can infer what he likes. The answer is NO.

What is making you keep contact with this man? You are worth so much more!
Start by telling the truth:

"Alan last time you visited you put me down and made me feel rubbish so it's not an experience I actually want to repeat. "

Then just...ignore, you don't owe him anything.

It really is as simple as saying no, I don't want to see you.

You have literally nothing to lose in telling him straight. You don't want to see him again.

Great, say this

Op has said she doesn't want to see him

My suggestion was to give a “route” to see if he had the ability to change once OP pointed out his faults, but without her having the burden of putting him up.

Anyway, hopefully she has taken something helpful from this thread.

"Not a good time for me. Enjoy your visit here."

^^ @betterangels has nailed it. Just say the above and keep repeating it if he’s persistent. You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to.

The last few times we've met or talked he has been incredibly critical of me. He wants to know every intimate detail of my life and then tells me what I've done wrong. He likes to tell me what a fuck up I was in my twenties (don't think I was that bad) and laugh at me with his wife. She is very socially anxious but manages to make passive aggressive comments about my parenting. They are very difficult and stressful guests

A friend does not do this

Tell him you're not available during the month window he's given you

If he queries this, tell him the above ^^

Hes not a friend. No loss to your life

This is brilliant. 👏

Dear not-friend
The truth is we didn’t enjoy the last few times we met with you and your wife. You made us feel uncomfortable with your constant criticisms and negative comments, and have no wish to repeat the experience.
it seems best to draw a line under things and go our separate ways.

Then block / don’t contact.

Perfect!

Just ignore?

He sounds like a total pest

I hope you realise that the above is the perfect answer to this problem.

OP if you are still here, you have nothing to gain by meeting him, and everything to lose.

The message posted further up is grand, and then just block.

His opinion doesn't matter.

Just tell him that it is not a good time to visit or tell him straight how he is a dick head and his wife is passive aggressive and if you cannot do that just say you are not around and do not contact him again or answer his calls or texts, time to just erase him from your life. Sounds like he is either jealous of your life as usually people who put you down a lot are like this. Don't over stress on it and just say no and then block him simple as that.