Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

Whilst there is a lot of this that does not apply, my H has certainly come to view me as the enemy and certainly thinks that I am giving him lots of work to do, rather than there just being
a lot of work when you have two working parents and two young kids.

i deeply resent this narrative he has of me.

And there is no sense of partnership. Just me constantly battling to get him to do stuff, or having to tell him what to do. Which he resents.

😁

Answer: because you always have a go at me. I can’t never do anything right…

I get this all the time. I really resent it.

It takes something I hate, having to constantly remind and get on at him to get stuff done, into something I am doing to harm him, rather than something that is harming me.

It’s exhausting and miserable to have to keep on and on to get basic help looking after kids and household, or to get basic routines going.

😆 nor will she ever have her thoughts, opinions, ideas and feelings squashed or continually invalidated!

@YesThis what really got me what the fact he seemed to think it was ok to make his dcs life hard work to get at me.

I think I’m really accommodating of a lot of his issues and needs.

But using my children, making their life harder on purpose is not something I can accept.

Ive been very good at always finding reasons excuses for him.
But reading that blog made me realise when dh talks he says what is in his mind (of course, he is in the spectrum!!) and I need to listen to him. Even if it goes against the image I had created in my mind of the very nice guy that can’t help being awkward and make mistake/behave in an atypical way.
And let’s be honest, punishing your partner, using your children (even if they are adults) to do so is not ok.

I thought this article on the separation of abuse and autistic behaviour interesting too
https://asdmarriage.com/2022/11/20/can-abuse-be-attributed-to-an-autistic-spouse/?fbclid=IwAR1tOkW5wZu0iHZWI_W721oqoS-t6KAnDRq5H2gyBt1MtqAvfy8vklwRqjs_aem_AR7OfOPbhP-2eae6o0aUU0Vmch1D8PU6n03onKZD6_-DimJOZr-OLy4hKnVtJwCfXdvdcoWaILAIu52lkFA1zcTO

In particular, that quote from a research article

women with diagnosed partners, and women who suspect their partners to be on the autism spectrum, similarly reported being subjected to physical and psychological abuse at a significantly higher rate than women in a NT relationship.” The researchers also wrote, “according to the existent body of knowledge, women who are in Neurodiverse Relationships report a pattern of ongoing emotional and sexual deprivation, as well as physical and mental symptoms that are reminiscent of symptoms of trauma and post trauma. They describe a relationship categorized by domestic, physical and mental abuse, extreme challenges in communication and high levels of conflict.”

She also mentions that NT/ASD marriages have a rate of divorce of 85%….

It’s certainly not. That’s absolutely appalling behaviour.

( just reread my post. When I said there’s a lot in that article that does not apply, I meant to my H. Not that it does my apply to any ASD person).

as well as physical and mental symptoms that are reminiscent of symptoms of trauma and post trauma

I really reognise this.

Yep.

Seeing a psychologist atm. It took her one session to decide that the best course of action was EMRD t9 treat the trauma from my relationship…
ONE

Excellent article, thanks. Sums up my life for the last few years, I’m afraid. I hadn’t thought of myself as having been DH’s specialist subject at one point, but yes, I suppose I was. I don’t know when it changed but for a good while now, years, we’ve been in this adversarial dynamic in which he seems to see all tasks required of him as a kind of sadistic homework set by me for my own purposes rather than just being part of being parents, adults, home-owners, etc. If he could see that these things needed doing in the first place without my having to ask it wouldn’t need to get adversarial because then the tasks wouldn’t be “imposed” by me, but he doesn’t see them without being reminded, so I’m stuck - either I keep quiet and do everything myself (tried this, got burnout) or else I ask him to do things and trigger another bit of adversarial combat.

Last week I emailed a friend and said that I’d suggested a solution to a long-term issue and DH had kind of agreed. Friend replied this morning that she was glad that was settled, then. Her response brought me up short. Presumably in her world, if there’s a problem the 2 partners discuss it and agree on a solution which they’ll then go on to implement. Not in my world, though. It’s true that a few weeks ago DH gave his agreement to my suggestion, and even identified a few benefits linked to it. But I know full well that next time it’s mentioned (and it will be me that mentions it), DH will deny that we ever discussed it, will deny having agreed, will refuse to see any advantages to it, will provide a whole host of reasons not to do it, etc etc. It’s exhausting.

we’ve been in this adversarial dynamic in which he seems to see all tasks required of him as a kind of sadistic homework set by me for my own purposes rather than just being part of being parents, adults, home-owners, etc. If he could see that these things needed doing in the first place without my having to ask it wouldn’t need to get adversarial because then the tasks wouldn’t be “imposed” by me, but he doesn’t see them without being reminded, so I’m stuck - either I keep quiet and do everything myself (tried this, got burnout) or else I ask him to do things and trigger another bit of adversarial combat

This! All of this!

@supersparrow either I keep quiet and do everything myself (tried this, got burnout) or else I ask him to do things and trigger another bit of adversarial combat.
I'm ashamed to say that I did the former - for decades - while I waited for the children to be independent. I just could not stand the vicious verbal attacks and/or sulking when I asked him to help with any little thing - so I did absolutely everything - even though we both contributed the same monthly amount to the joint account! Madness, but I don't honestly know that I could have done anything differently (apart from not marrying him in the first place!) I could not leave as I knew he would try for 50/50 custody and I could not trust him to keep them safe at all.
But I was not isolated and I did keep up some very good friendships and now I am happy as anything.

One thing I would do differently looking back is to be more open to friends and family about the fact that I did absolutely everything because my husband's nature meant that he could not collaborate and did not want to help. I feel that might have helped??

One more thought. Then I will go to bed! When a woman has a baby and breastfeeds, the man is necessarily put in the role of assistant. He is not in control of events and he has to embrace the role of helper. Men who are confident and successful in other areas of life can totally handle this and look all the stronger and more manly for it. With hindsight, the helper role was disastrously stressful for my husband who thinks he has to be the boss in all areas of life and control every little thing. So it kicked off the whole adversarial nightmare that was our marriage.

I relate to this completely, could have written this word for word. I didn’t leave until my children were able to care for themselves to a degree.

Wow! I'd never thought of it like that. I think my husband was totally floored by nobody really being "in charge" during early baby days. He would like to be in control (but couldn't because feeding/mat leave etc) or is happy to hand complete control to me. But our early days were very stressful (twins in a building site), so neither of us was in control. I can fly by the seat of my pants, but that was very hard for DH and caused him to freefall I think.

Thank you for mentioning this. A new way to think about some things.

This is exactly where I am now, “unable” to leave because he would go for 50/50 custody. He has 3 older DC, my DSC, from a previous relationship 50/50, and I see to what extent he ignores, or rather, is oblivious to their needs, and I can’t put our DD in that situation until she’s older, if I have to do it at all. I’m glad to hear you’re happy now, @Kerryoh. I’ve been back at work post-burnout for 3 months, and part of the “new me” is seeing and talking to friends more, not yet directly about this, but in general, and it’s doing me a lot of good.

@Kerryoh I found what you say about having a newborn baby very interesting. I hadn’t thought about it like that before, but now you mention it that was very probably when DH changed towards me. I remember in the very early weeks being pinned under a non-stop breastfeeding baby and one morning asking DH if he could bring me a cup of tea and some toast before he went to work. The DH I had known pre-baby wouldn’t have hesitated, and would probably have done so without being asked. This new DH refused, on the basis that he had to get to work whilst I was “on leave”, and has been refusing for the 10 years since.

@supersparrow i was also in this situation and I did wait to leave until my children were older.

my advice is do everything you can to make it easier on yourself for when you do leave, extra courses to help for a pay rise for example. I found this distracted me at home and enabled me a pay rise so bills were easier now I have left. It gave me a goal to work towards as well as friends and family time.

may I join? Just interested to see others’ experiences. We each have ASD on both sides of our families. Our child is diagnosed. I think I’m probably NT but I think DH may be ND in some way as his anxiety is gradually becoming more of an issue and has adamantly fixed ideas about things. I’m supporting our DC. DH earns for us luckily. I’m seeking an adult emotional connection with DH on my terms particularly as caring for DC is so isolating and I had to give up work. I’m getting all kinds of responses I don’t expect.

@ThischarmingHam you are most welcome on this thread!

Your situation sounds hard just right now. Lots to juggle with.
What sort if unexpected responses are you getting?

Not married but living together - early 20s. He is actually very good at physical comfort and basic emotional comfort but has kind of a surveillance attitude to the people around him in terms of emotions. I'm worried that if we have kids they will feel like they can't express their emotions around him as that is the atmosphere at his parents place. Any advice?

@ThischarmingHam your current situation does sound very difficult.

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you 😔. I’m sorry you have had unexpected opinions too, I don’t think there is a straightforward solution it’s such a juggle isn’t it?

@ThisNiftyMintCat i think my advice would be the same regardless of ND or NT

If you think his behaviour is off and wonder about the impact of that on potential children, then hold off having children (and rethink your relationship if children are non negotiable for you).

When I was in my 20 and was thinking about children, I thought stuff like that could be sorted out. That some stuff wasn’t important (like dh clearly being awkward around people and struggling to communicate). Love would conquer it all etc etc
I was wrong.

Therapy. Having children is the number one trigger for people to have to confront anything unresolved in their own childhood. It's not until becoming a parent that the worst of what's unresolved rears its head.

Doesn't mean anything will change necessarily but anything resolvable will be explored.

My honest advice is don't have children.

Cracks become wide open chasms after having children.

I didn't know my H was autistic when we had children. But it was after having children that his behaviours really came out and made life awful really. He just could not step up to what was needed to be a partner in a family with children, to be a parent. Like your partner, mine was very good at physical affection and basic emotional comfort, he was very demonstrative and verbal about how much he loved me and how important I was to him.

But that did not translate at all into being able to do the attunement and emotional understanding and connection that is needed to be a parent raising children. Nor could he attune to or provide me with what I needed as his partner and co-parent. Parenting just brought up how deeply he is unable to understand other people and their needs.

I can only base on my experience, but that is my experience and I would not advise it.