Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

Yes I suppose I need to get comfortable with them not liking me and them knowing I’m not keen on them either because of it. Feels awkward. They’ve obviously created a picture of me and that’s that.

They sound very judgemental and rigid in their thinking. It’s unforgivable to behave like that to a grandchild just because they think you have “baggage”. They should be happy and grateful that their son is happy. Some people have extremely unrealistic expectations when it comes to who they think is good enough to marry their children.

Yes they do seem that. I think people forget we are only human and we all carry baggage of some kind. Kindness is what’s needed to put down some weight only they adding to it. I’m struggling with detachment and all I can think to do is remove myself.

I think you are right to remove yourself but if you don’t want to break up the relationship, you don’t have to. Just stop responding to them and withdraw. If your DH is so oblivious, it doesn’t sound like he’d be that fussed about it.

Other people have told me he should be listening and understanding me and talking to them. But being that it’s all going over his head and he can’t put himself in my shoes or understanding how I feel there isn’t much point. If I were him I’d be upset. I mean they went on holiday over my pre booked c-section date. It was a shit show and I was unwell and it was his first baby and he had to look after me and baby and he was struggling so much. They weren’t even around to support him. They are all ok when there is no need of them and no one needs support but they disappear as soon as they needed. They must look at me and shit themselves at my past drama.( not that any of it was my fault).

Just do your own thing and make your own family as fun, rich, engaged, and meaningful as possible. Stop accepting or longing for their invitations or even their notice. “Counter program” your days, weeks, and holidays. That is organize your little family so you are too busy to care what they are doing. Be the matriarch. Mother your kids so they know they are the center of your world—don’t let them know your dh’s family treat you all as excess baggage.

Assume he is an orphan, lower your expectations. Your mantra should be “its their loss, not mine” because it is.

@Somethingstupiddone hello. Maybe try reframing it in your mind. It sounds like you crave the connection and because of that you’ve overlooked the fact they don’t actually sound very nice! Ask yourself why you’d want a close relationship with people who sound catty, cruel and self serving? Arguably if you did have a close relationship with them, you’d find yourself having to manage more interactions with them and wondering if you’d done this or that or upset them or whether they were being weird with you or whatever. In other words more of them quite probably wouldn’t turn out to be a good thing because they’re not the people you’d really want a close connection with.

You say you didn’t have a close relationship with your mum. And along come this ready made family and you so badly want to be included. And because of that emotional need you’ve overlooked the fact they aren’t the type of people you really want to be emotionally attached to. Not really.

Instead of feeling rejected by them, try and replace feelings of rejection with “phew, I’ve had a narrow escape”. Instead of wondering what you’ve done to make them not like you, tell yourself they aren’t good people and you don’t need them or want them to be heavily involved in your life. You’re also saving your DC from their toxicity by keeping them at a distance.
You can’t get what you want from them as they’re just not the right people for you. It’s not you. It’s them. They aren’t going to change. You don’t need to change and you’re worth more than them anyway. They sound really horrible!

@pikkumyy77 It’s hard because I don’t have my partners side. His autism makes him unable to understand. He pushes and I look bad saying I don’t want to.

@BustyLaRoux I completely logically understood what you are saying. My inner child I call her is extremely upset. My own family, my previous marriage and now this family, all of these places I’ve not been accepted. It’s so hard to not think it’s me.

Regardless of autism, people tend to be blind to faults within their own family and making someone choose between spouse and parents often doesn’t end well. I wouldn’t personally do this or expect it. You know the truth - you can explain it to him if he asks why you have stepped back but I wouldn’t set any huge expectations- just accept that he loves them and due to his upbringing, their behaviour will seem normal to him.

I think maybe you have had too high expectations- yes it would be nice if they’d been around for the birth but many many grandparents aren’t and people find a way to manage. They sound self absorbed and not the sort of people you’d want around anyway if you’re recovering from surgery.

Focus on building your kids’ resilience - it’s actually doing them a big favour to be removed from this family dynamic.

And those feelings are very real and very hurtful. Logic and feelings often don’t easily fit together!!! Sometimes people are just unfortunate. It isn’t that you’re unloveable. You can’t help who your family were. And this one doesn’t sound very nice. Neither of those are your fault. If you had a little girl and she came to you and said a group was ignoring her and making her feel sad you wouldn’t tell her she must have done something to upset them! And that she needed to just try harder or change herself to make herself more acceptable to them! Talk to your inner child like she is your daughter and tell yourself all the kind and supportive things you would say. Your inner child needs to know she is precious and loved and wonderful. She doesn’t need the bullies to like her. They’re idiots.

Easier said than done, I know. X

As PP said upthread lots of partners can’t see how badly their family treat the in married spouse. Just arrange to be too busy. Don’t give reasons or engage in a back and forth. Just be unemotional and stop looking for him to validate you or side with you. He will eventually accept the new normal.

@BustyLaRoux bloody family. At least with friends or ex husbands you can just walk off and cut contact. It’s easy to detach from what you can’t see. Was one of the reasons I’ve removed my social media. I had de-friended some members but they got annoyed and wanted to know why so I’ve got rid of the whole thing. Sad really as I did enjoy groups and that.

@pikkumyy77 can I ask what am I supposed to do with my feelings on this. I do feel a sense of rejection and start this self hate rubbish which makes me feel bloody awful. It’s quite a big wave but I tend to withdraw instead of hit out. I’d rather I didn’t respond like this and don’t seem to know how to feel better and stop it happening. I know I can’t run away and crawl in a hole as that’s ridiculous. I just want to stop caring so much.

Forgive me for jumping into the thread, I'm not sure how to start a new line of discussion so sorry to anyone I've jumped in on.

I've had questions about whether my husband has a form of ASD for the last 7 years. I find myself going demented at how things are in my house and then for the sake of my son I bury my head in the sand and keep going. But I just had a zero birthday and my DH (husband?) bought me gifts, so I shouldn't complain really (although I get the same gifts on repeat). But there was no warmth, no hug, no kiss, and he slept in the spare room (which is usual these days). I've cried on my birthday night every year for the past 5 because he hasn't come up to the marital bead (even just for a hug and natter). So I have ended up ruminating again about the things that to me bring up questions:

He insists on doing all the jobs in the house - no tradesman can do just as good a job as him. So nothing gets done. The house just deteriorates until I have a complete meltdown and then he wakes into action.

He's logical, he's always telling me with pride. Logical Logical Logical (I've so over logic)

When I cleaned the pantry he was cross that I'd moved things around and moved it all back
.
He doesn't like it when I clean up the house - I get comments about how he will put everything back where it was.

When I cry and get upset he leaves me alone to get over it.

I cleaned the fridge last month and he didn't like that I had moved everything, he moved it all back.

He starts jobs and then they get left half finished.

He can only seem to focus on his priorities, until I lose it and he gets completely shouted at.

He struggles with spontaneity. The idea of just doing something on a whim seems to cause panic.

Anything I say to him about his behaviour, he almost parrots it back at me when we bicker.

His obsession/love is money and waste.

He hoards everything.

I am 100% certain he loves me but I feel unloved and neglected. He just doesn't 'get' my needs.

Oh yes, I can't rearrange the crockery cupboard because he likes it a certain way.

He redoes the dishwasher when I stack it (ok that might be a general man thing)

Lack of emotional support. I've stopped discussing my worries etc, I just manage alone. Our relationship is practical. He shows his love through cooking, shopping. Occasionally I get a hug but normally a boob squeeze. No romance, snuggles.

I'm so confused and unhappy. Or is it all me that's the problem?

Hi @Smm745 it sounds like your partner might have some autistic traits- fixed thinking, dislike of change jumped out. Do you think touching might be a sensory issue? Do you think you have grown apart or that your partner perhaps prefers autonomy over connectedness? Do you think potentially hoarding / waste and money issues might be to do with control?

I wondered, have you ever spoken to him about ASD?

I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy your birthday. Sending you a gentle hug.

Thanks for your response. I see issues around control, fixed thinking for definite and so do my family (from what they observe). He definitely doesn't like change. But I feel very sure that he loves me. I honestly think he has no idea that I feel unhappy even though I have brought up my worries multiple times. Nothing seems to get through. I really think he has no intention to hurt me which makes me think it's more than a breakdown of a relationship. He's a very intelligent guy but clueless about my needs.

I have mentioned ASD and he said absolutely no way he has ASD.

And here we are with the intention thing again! Hello @Smm745 !!! Intention is a theme which comes up on here time and time again. Some people say it doesn’t matter as whether or not there is an intention to behave in a way that upsets you, the end result is the same: you feel shit! Other people say that it does matter to some degree as cruel intentions cannot be overlooked, but unintentional hurting someone is perhaps more forgivable. I myself sit on the fence! My dad is ASD and doesn’t intend to be the way he is but I’ve reached my capacity to care. He isn’t able or willing to change. And I’ve had a gutful. My DP is also ASD but can listen and does try to change. I know he feels bad for hurting me.
So perhaps intention is less important than capacity to listen and change. Your DH doesn’t sound interested in listening or changing and that must be very very hard for you. FWIW the traits you describe do sound very much like ASD traits (as other said the need for control, the need for things not to change/rigidity, lack of emotional warmth, inability to consider your views as important). Of course not to say all people with ASD behave like that by any means, before the thread monitors appear, but I’d say those traits can be associated with ASD, yes.
This group is a great place to seek validation and support. It isn’t easy. We all cope differently. It’s nice to come here and feel like you’re not alone sometimes. I’m so sorry about your birthday. Birthdays are very special to me. I put in a lot of effort for others and I’d be very hurt if my DP just bought a few tried and tested gifts. And that was it. I know the birthday has passed now, but do you have any family or friends you could arrange to do something a bit special with? Xxx

Thanks for your words - much appreciated. I actually did enjoy my birthday. I had lunch and dinner with my parents, and I booked myself a half day spa lol (I know now to arrange what I'll enjoy because noone else will). We had a big family meal out a few days later too. My husband asked me what cakes and biscuits I was going to get for everyone when we came back for coffee. I asked if he'd arranged a cake (because that's the thing we do across my family). He said No. I rolled my eyes. He told me I was being a birthday Diva. Sorry just needed to offload that one!

The thing with intention is difficult because most of us are kind caring people. We give the benefit of the doubt and some more so than others. But at the end of the day the pain of the recipient still hurts. It doesn’t hurt less if someone accidentally stabs you. I think you can forgive as much as you like but you feel what you feel. For me it’s like a coiled spring I take so much, even unintentionally and then I boing up and reach overwhelm. You can only ignore it for so long, these emotion's have energy and it’s got to go somewhere. Unless someone has any ideas on how to just not feel anything. But then you don’t feel the good stuff.

My DH and I did try marriage counselling 3 years ago. Basically I came across like a raving demented banshee, crying all the time. I had so much pent up anger and frustration. And my husband was completely passive through the whole thing.

No no, offload away. That’s what we’re here for! I think, if you’ll permit me to offer an opinion, that direct instruction tends to work better than dropping hints, or passing comments, hoping they’ll pick up on what you want and intuit your needs. Sadly it often needs to be “I would like you to sort out a cake. Here are some ideas of things I like (photos). Please can you arrange this”. It would be lovely if we didn’t have to do this. But if you think it would be disappointing not to have a birthday cake then next time maybe try direct instruction, as unromantic as that is!

I am fortunate that thoughtfulness isn’t something my DP lacks. I do still send him numerous links to things I like in the run up to my birthday. I don’t expect all of them by any means, so whatever he gets is still a nice surprise IYSWIM. He can neglect to get round to things though, as procrastination is something he really struggles with. His DC often get their presents after their birthday as he just hasn’t sorted it out in time. Or he promises something and thinks he can book it the week before when of course there is a 3 month waiting list.

Well done for booking nice things to do for yourself. That’s just the ticket!! Sorry your DH wasn’t able to do this for you.

I don’t disagree. My dad doesn’t intend to be hurtful in any way. But he is. And I’m sick of it. On my more forgiving days I know he doesn’t mean it, though it continues to cause me pain and I have come very close to telling him I’ve had enough. He wouldn’t understand a single word of my explanation and he would find ways to be vindictive. So I don’t do it. For my DP, I’m unable to leave so I need to forgive. There are positives and I try and hang on to those. One of which is that he doesn’t mean to be unkind. He is actually very kind a lot of the time. I hang in there. It’s not always easy!!

Forgive or understand. I think they two separate things. I also struggle with this. Forgive to me feels like accepting and it might be understandable but not forgivable…:if that makes any sense.