Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

Congratulations to the PP in her 60s who has moved closer to her son's. Sorry I can't remember your MN name from the previous page.

And happy belated birthday to you @Smm745

Some of the suggestions about how to get your needs met just make me think it's like having another teen to parent... giving a long list of birthday present ideas and saying I would like you to buy me one. It's just sad really. I don't know what's worse.

Thank you for the wishes. And your comment about a teen made me laugh as it’s sadly true! Sometimes I daydream about being whisked away by a strong, attentive, compassionate man. Does he exist somewhere??? 🙄

I often think that I'd just like to have someone kind and generous. DH has good qualities, but is somewhat lacking in those two. The lack of kindness is particularly difficult. I think he believes that people (particularly men) who are kind are false and not to be trusted!

Well it’s the doghouse for me this morning!!!! No idea why. Went to bed and everything seemed fine. I got up today, made coffee, brought it to him in bed. Didn’t get a thank you. Asked how he was. Grunted “headache” at me. Asked if coffee was OK. Got “fine thanks”. After half an hour of this I asked what I’d done. He said just leave it. I said but you’re clearly annoyed with me. He said he wasn’t “annoyed” but emphasised the word annoyed so that I knew he was something with me (let’s presume it’s “upset” rather than “annoyed”!) I said well you’re clearly something with me, what is it. And as usual he replied he didn’t want to talk about it.

I have literally no idea!!!! This is fairly standard. I used to tie myself in knots getting ever more anxious and pleading for him to tell me what I’d done so I could put it right. This would only make him more annoyed as he said I was pushing him to have a conversation he’d said he didn’t want to have and going against his clear wishes.

Now it just makes me angry! The fucking mood swings. The making it clear I’ve upset him but refusing to talk about it. I’ve told him it’s cruelty to behave like this. He thinks he’s doing the right thing though. Thinks he’s avoiding a row.

So these days I handle it differently. I refuse to speak to him when he’s like this. I sleep in another room. If he speaks to me I return the one word answers. I don’t engage in any chat. I separate myself completely and I tell myself his silly mood swings and imagined sleights are not my problem.

I do wish I could have a partner who wasn’t like this though. Whose moods we weren’t all beholden to. His DC also seem to be on high alert for his shitty moods and know to stay out of his way when he’s like this. It’s awful.

I think the thing I find most upsetting is that I’ve obviously said or done something tiny and inconsequential and he’s “upset” and is making it VERY CLEAR! However he does small things that are upsetting all the time to me. Endless shitty pointed comments and gruff replies or accusations which I have learned to live with. But if I were to act “upset” like he does, he wouldn’t tolerate it. He’d have to be more “upset” because if I’m upset then that’s criticism of him. I’m essentially saying he’s done something wrong. And he doesn’t like being told or made to feel he’s done anything wrong as that’s a criticism. And when he’s criticised, what does he do??? Act upset!

Pathetic! I’m so done with the shitty moods!!!!

Sorry, just needed to sound off a bit!!! A lovely day completely ruined by his “upset” moods. I’ve never known anyone have so many moods that we all have to tiptoe around. It’s exhausting!!!

Aagh that’s horrific @BustyLaRoux. I remember my mum having moods and tiptoeing around her trying to work out what I’d done wrong and make it better. I also have that with my DP. You are right - it’s exhausting and horrible and I’m glad you’re finding ways to cope with it now. And you’re also so right that it’s only him who’s allowed to sulk - nobody else would be able to act like he does.
My DP’s mum visited this weekend so the irritation was reserved for her. To be fair she is fairly annoying with constant chatter but i just tune it out.
I do fear that in time, my DP’s relationship with his kids will be damaged which would devastate him. He does love them and he does a lot for them, just struggles with the emotional connection. But grumpy moods and leaving them with me while he disappears for a 3 hour nap isn’t good and they will remember him as distant and irritable which I do with my dad too. It’s like a very slow motion car crash.

@Feelsodrained its so sad isn’t it. The DC will be affected for life by having an emotionally distant parent. Good that you’re here to offer them kindness and support. It all helps.

I know people are saying they can’t leave. But what would happen if your partner left you? Would that make it easier. I know in my marriage to my ex I used to dream that he would leave or cheat as I felt like I was stuck forever.

@BustyLaRoux its very PA isn’t it?

And for me, the most important word in PA is aggressive. I absolutely hate it because it looks so insignificant from afar but is actually so aggressive and damaging.

I’ve had the same situation than you.
Angry, PA etc…. And me tying myself in knots wondering what I had done.

Nowadays I assume he would tell me of it was something (significant?) I had done. I’m not a mind reader. So I assume it’s something out of my control/that has nothing to do with me. In your case, I’d assume he has a headache and doesn’t cope well. Because that’s what he said.
Then I’d move on and ignore the grumpiness.

I think it’s an issue with him not handing his own emotions well (deep down, I think he is angry a lot of the time. And ruminating too).
And he is using me as an emotional punching bag.

(Reality is that he won’t tell me if I’m doing something he doesn’t like. But I can’t guess. We’ve had that conversation many times so the ball is in his camp. Plus I genuinely think a lot of the time it does NOT have anything to do with me anyway).

Just over a year ago I was almost hopeful that H was having an affair at work, it sounds mad but I thought it would make it easier if he left me. I should have been angry and hurt and although I felt betrayed by the thought of it, it only made me distance myself more. In the end I think it was probably more of a close friendship that never developed or maybe she just wasn't into him. H absolutely thrives on female attention so it's possible he encouraged it then chickened out before it went further. The 'mentionitis' stopped and although they still go on lunchtime walks I don't think they are more than friends. She even came over here once to pick something up a couple of months ago and I am quite confident that she is absolutely not his type, not does she seem the type to steal a man either. He does have form for this type of thing though and has had at least one good female friend at work before, who was most definitely his type and I know they had a cozy dinner for two on a work trip a few years back (he deleted some messages from that trip which sadly says it all).

Anyway I have a long standing (potentially maladaptive) daydream, set a about a year into the future, involving a male actor who is most likely ND but in my dream he is kind and thoughtful with none of the abusive traits of my H.

I read this thread for two reasons one is that it validates my experiences I had with ex. The years living in fight or flight mode have taken a toll.
Secondly to see if my DC experiences are also common. DC desperately wants a father but his father can’t be the father DC deserves.
Again my best judgment I made DC go to his father for years EOW because I was worried Ex would get more time with DC if he took me to court.
As the years go by since me and DC left DC’s ability to be around his father has decreased. Anything more than a few hours dysregulates him. Of course ex blames me and even in family therapy between ex and DC couldn’t persuade him that DC’s trauma is real.

DC asked me recently if his father loves him and I said in his own way he does but it felt like a lie when I said it.

@BustyLaRoux I get similar sulks and grumps from my H. So exhausting and draining. It sounds like you are finding ways to deal with it and are able to acknowledge that it's not your fault or something you need to fix. It's still draining though! I try to just let it go but it's impossible to completely make myself immune to it.

@Crunchingleaf similar experience here. My daughter sees her dad every other weekend. At the beginning she was super excited. I felt so torn. As the years have gone on and the gift giving on his behave has worn off and she witnesses his moods and his temper she is starting to change. It is really difficult because she loves him but she is also scared of him. She has learned to super behave when she is with him but she can’t control his behaviour. We talk about love and how conflicting the emotion is. She asks if he loves her and I never tell her he doesn’t as I’m pretty sure he does. Love is not always enough, we can love someone and still understand that the other person for whatever reason can’t give us what we need. I ask her what she feels and how she can feel better. It’s sad because the response is not go mummy. She knows at 8 that she loves him but to make herself feel better she needs to stay away to protect herself. I always push hard that this is nothing to do with anything she is doing and the way she feels is right. Unfortunately I have to send her and she does want to go because she loves him. It’s a crap situation. She comes home and it takes her a few days to get over it. Lately she has started to put words to it at school and tell teachers how she feels as she was getting into a habit of hiding under tables. I take that as a positive being able to label how she feels.

I fear my DD's relationship with her dad/my H, is very much affected by his inability to regulate. He can't see it but him coming in from work with a scowl on his face and slamming things down is not doing him any favours. He so often disapproves of the things she likes or is into because he can't see her view and then she gets upset because he calls her favourite Youtubers 'silly' or 'rubbish', yes these Youtuber are a bit annoying but he doesn't get to dictate what she should or shouldn't like. She's taken to going up to her room more and I am trying to gently explain to H why she might be upset. Can't wait to get us out of here one day.

@LittleSwede I wouldn’t waste your time explaining to him. I would (and I’m sure you already do) spend that time with your daughter tell her that everything she feels is valid and her DF is the one with the problem. I still it in my daughters head that everything she feels is valid…she’s often oh mum not this chat again…lol probably over do it.

That was meant to read I still drill it into my daughter

I developed c-ptsd from my upbringing. I was told that if I had had at least one parent with whom I could have spoken to then I would have likely not developed this condition. Just being there and talking to her and taking her out and reducing that anxiety will have a positive effect.

Thank you @Rainbow03 I think my DD knows I 'have got her back' and I do sit and talk things through with her, yet it is so draining to have to basically parent two children and often having to act as some kind of referee (always, always on my DD's side though). Any yes, I shouldn't waste time and energy explaining things to H, I am beginning to see this now. I told my therapist that his comments are now almost like water off a duck's back. Almost.

My therapist has suggested couple's counselling (with an independent counselor, not her) once I have finished my 6 sessions with her, as a 'neutral ground and safe space', for me explain to H that this is not working, for me or for him. I am not sure about that, I think I am almost ready to just gently tell him myself and try to make it as amicable as can be. I know I need to wait yet it feels so false to kiss or hug (he is very affectionate, must be the ADHD side!) when I have one foot out the door! Yet if I refused or pulled away he would feel rejected and blow up (not in a violet way)!

@LittleSwede I found the less I took any of my exs comments personally and the more I realised the problem was him the anger in me increased and I didn’t know what to do with this anger. I started turning the anger inwards because outwards got me in trouble. I was told anger was an emotion that needs acting upon, it can’t be left and ignored.

@Rainbow03 That is interesting, I almost certainly have years of pent up anger in me. Need to find a way to act upon it then. I have recently started doing some gentle weight training at home and find the sensation of lifting weights very satisfying and the feeling of getting physically stronger makes me feel great, like I am ready for a fight! This probably helps a bit.

Anger is a good thing. Sometimes I think you need to find that anger and ride it because it’s an acting emotion, moving forwards. Stop thinking you have to ignore it and use it to drive you. It certainly helped me that way. I deserved to be treated better and I got angry. I should have been angry and I was supposed to listen to that feeling and act. You are doing yourself a dishonesty and it’s your inner self telling you it’s not happy.

An injustice not dishonesty lol

I spent years trying to explain DC’s perspective to ex even long after things ended. It was a complete waste of time, but now I can say I tried to help the relationship between the two. I don’t do it anymore though because it only incurs anger towards me and nothing ever changes.

I have since gone on to get married and had two more DC since me and DC left ex. DC once said that his stepfather is like the father he never had. I thought this said so much about how then preteen DC saw his relationship with his father. I was just so sad for DC when he said it.

Right now I think my biggest fear is that DS feels a sense of responsibility towards his father and will continue to go against his own best interests in order to make his father happy.

@BustyLaRoux

Me: what's wrong?
DW: you know what's wrong
Me: no I really don't, please tell me and we can work things through
DW: well if you don't know what's wrong that just shows how much you care.

I feel your pain.