Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

His latest special interest is turning our teenager against me. I am heartbroken. I finally got the courage to get out and now I am in my worst nightmare. I am trying to stay strong for my daughter, but I am at a loss with so many broken promises I can't even count. I am sorry to rant on out of the blue. I thought being in it was bad. I still feel like we are married and living in a nightmare worse than I could have imagined. At this point I am not even sure it's ASD or just plain abuse. Thanks for "listening" to my vent- I am honestly at my wits end.

@nl55 sounds really rough. My first husband was like this. Leaving was the worst and it all escalated. It got better once he got bored of me and I went grey rock apart from contact with child. I’m not going to lie, it was messy, we were in court for years. I just want to reiterate what others have said. Being an abusive twat and bring ASD don’t have to be mutually exclusive. People who are ASD are like everyone else in that respect, personally is separate, how you are raised and what you witness from your own parents etc have an effect. It doesn’t help with the lack of empathy and the fixation and the inability to control how you feel. I sometimes think it can a lot like a perfect storm.

Goading is definitely a thing he does! Then makes out like the person he’s goaded is at fault for their reaction. He does it to me and my DC. If I get upset or annoyed then I’m being oversensitive apparently. Or pissy. Or humourless. Never mind he’s not being funny. But I don’t think it’s his intention to be funny. I think he enjoys goading a reaction and then using “it’s just a joke” as an excuse so he can blame me or my DC for our reaction to the goading. It’s a really nasty trait of his and his DD has learnt to do the same. She often goads my DD (same age) and then when my DD gets a bit upset says “god it’s only a joke!!”. She parrots her dad word for word. I really hate it.

How awful. I’m so sorry. This will pass. He will get bored of your non reaction. Is your teenager living with each of you equally?

I am so glad you are having a lovely holiday. It’s fantastic that you were able to take the plunge and stop waiting around for your DH to make up his mind. I can absolutely see how there are these twinges of sadness though, as you think of the partnership / family / marriage you’d like to have had. There is still a wish to include our partners in our lives, to be part of something together - and it’s so painful to recognise how little they are bothered.

@Bunnyhair I feel like that about my mum. A colleague got married the other day and she posts about the amazing support her mum has been throughout her life and I have this empty pain in my soul. It must feel so good, I’ll never know that feeling. People tell me to let it go but it’s a spot that never seems to heal. It’s not her fault she is Autistic but still I would like to feel like this colleague does.

Me too. About my dad. Other people talk about their dad being their rock or whatever. Mine is like a demanding self-centred child who is only able to perform the role of “dad” insofar as it seems to be nothing more than a tick box exercise.

Sounds like a lovely holiday @supersparrow I get the sadness but it is nice to hear that you and your DD are having a great time. I often take my DD to my home country by myself and it is so much less tense than when H comes along.

So sorry, it must feel really hard at the moment. BUT, as previous poster said , your ex will get bored and stop using your DC in an attempt of triangulation, your relationship with DC will recover as you find yourself healing from the break up and years of stress. I think I read somewhere that you can feel worse for a period after the breakup as you can experience something almost like a withdrawal symptoms from being with someone who has treated you badly. As well as the ex who might ramp things up to regain some form of control. things will get better x

That's awful. I'm so sorry.

@BustyLaRoux
Long story short, about 6 months ago I was thinking, ' well I am not happy but I have the time and money to do things that make me happy, and I enjoy those so I should focus on being grateful for that and grateful for what I do have - I work part-time so I have more time with my kids and I like too.'

Then a few months ago, H said he was losing his job ( not his fault). So since then I have had to stop all my self-preservation activities as we can't afford them. His last day at work is today so after than he will be here all the bloody time and spending more time with the kids not less. I don't know how I will cope having him around all the time. I used to feel myself physically relax after the weekends when he went back to work.

And obviously I need to keep trying to a second job or a different job that is full time, as my income nowhere near meets even our essential monthly outgoings. me ( working temporarily full time at the moment as work have given me extra hours for a project but that will end soon) .

I can't really tell him to have nothing to do with the children, partly as they like being with him when he's not being a raging loon, and also because he would not stand for it. He used to have a continual narrative that I was trying to shut the kids out of his life, despite the fact that I used to arrange for him to do activities with them, encourage him to partake in their hobbies and do things with them, , buy him stuff that he could do hobbies with them. So if I actually did try to cut him out of the kids life the atmosphere would get toxic very quickly for all of us.

Sorry, I realise there is not really anything anyone can say to any of this.

H seems to have gone in his typical reality denying mood and seems quite cheerful and not facing up to reality. He actually signed youngest up to a course he does not want to do and that we can no way afford - he got all huffy and arsey when I told him he would have to cancel that. Why, why would he add in a monthly cost when we don't have enough to cover our bare essentials?!

I could honestly cry reading this. It is the exact same responses that I receive. Anything that I say to him is taken as a criticism and then he throws it back at me , " well you do this (insert criticism)" . Something that could have been said as a passing comment in a lighthearted way then gets blown into a huge argument. Sometimes all I want from him is a " oh I'm sorry, it was an accident" sort of response but instead he becomes so defensive and flings criticism at me. This then becomes an argument and I get told off for "shouting" at him which most of the time I'm not, I'm just using an annoyed tone. This then leads to shouting from me because I feel so frustrated at not being able to express myself ! I tell him, it's perfectly normal for a human to have feelings of irritation/anger etc and that I should be able to express that and not jist be expected to be monotone and smiling

I could honestly cry reading this. It is the exact same responses that I receive. Anything that I say to him is taken as a criticism and then he throws it back at me , " well you do this (insert criticism)"

So, so familiar. Sometimes I try to keep him on track by saying, ' ok later we can talk about you say I do, but right now lets talk about what I have raised with you' . But he just looks confused. I really think his brain is completely unable to compute having a conversation which involves him being open to reflecting on himself and growing as a person. All he can compute is that if someone has criticised you (as he sees it), he must immediately defend and counter attack. The idea that this could be a moment for relationship growth and building connection - nope - does not compute!

Sorry to hear it Beachy it’s awful the recognition. I could have written your post word for word myself. Hope that you find a way through this situation.

Yes I get told “it’s just all about YOU, isn’t it?!” And I want to scream “oh the irony!!!! I just tried to talk about my feelings and you butted over the top of me to talk about your own. And now you accuse me of making everything about me!” Gahhhhhh!!!!

@YesThis Oh dear, it sounds like things aren’t moving in the right direction right now. You must be very worried about money on top of everything else. How stressful. You were right to carve out time for yourself as a protective measure and now that’s been taken away. I can well see how this must be affecting you. You sound so kind and supportive. All the lovely things you’ve tried to do to support him with parenting. All I can say is come here and vent whenever you need to. How old are the DC?

Thank you @BustyLaRoux and everyone for your reassuring words. I know I have said it before, but this group has been my saving grace. All of our stories are so similar. And the shared experience helps me feel less alone. I honestly think I am still in shock when someone treats me with love and concern- it is almost overwhelming at times. As for my teen, she has decided to live with her dad. I enforce rules and consequences whereas with him there are no rules, she can come and go as she pleases and no real structure. She is 16 and in that very tricky time where pulling away is developmentally appropriate. What is concerning is she is now parroting his behavior, telling me she hates me, that I am messed up and that she wants me out of her life. It is truly heartbreaking. I am trying my best to give her a sense of autonomy and understand she is behaving this way out of grief as well, but I am worried every single day. I am hoping as a parent I am doing the right thing. I was not expecting to be an empty nester this soon.

Thank you for being so kind. They are 8 and 11.

No things are just getting worse and worse. I had been trying to save some money as an escape fund one day, even if when the kids were grown and now it looks like that will disappear in keeping a roof over the kids' heads.

I phoned the family support service and had a nice chat with the woman on the phone who said that I raised good points about the need for a parenting support service specialising in parents with autism (something I have grown to have a very strong opinion on - its a real gap in provision). She said she was not aware of anything but is going to speak to their disability team and get back to me.

This is so upsetting, and really, really unfair. I hope one day she matures enough to realise what is happening. My Dad brought me up to have no respect for my Mum. One day a boyfriend said to me 'the way you speak to your Mum is really horrible' and that was like a bolt of reality to me. He was right. It was. I could suddenly see it.
But I really woke up then and realised what had been happening. My poor Mum. One day your daughter will have her bolt of reality that will wake her up too.

I often take my DD back to my home country without DH too, and as you say it’s much more relaxed that way. My Dad died last year but he lived in yet another country, and I almost always did those trips without DH too, and I usually built in a few days “holiday” around the family visits for DD and me. This is the first time it’s just a holiday, without the excuse of the family visit - it won’t be the last.

DH confuses me. So little interest expressed, as I’ve said. DD and I have been away a week, and I’ve been encouraging DD to use my phone to send DH a selection of the day’s photos, to which he hasn’t reacted, of course. Today I didn’t bother - didn’t sleep well last night so not on top form today, and what’s the point anyway? Then this evening on the phone DH asked why we hadn’t sent any photos today! So he is actually interested but can’t/doesn’t show it.

I know this sounds really harsh but financially would it be better to leave anyway? Or to start the leaving process? I know you only have a part time income at present but if you were supporting just yourself and the DC as opposed to all four of you? Would that mean you had more money rather than less? Put the house on the market. Emotionally it sounds as though you’d be much better off on your own. What keeps you in the relationship? Is it guilt? Moral obligation? Worry about how he would cope? Are those things worth staying for? I know you were planning to leave anyway and the finances have scuppered that but I wonder if there is a way to start the leaving process regardless of the finance as it seems like you’d be better off leaving as he brings in no income. Again I know that sounds harsh but there comes a point where your sanity is more important than your sense of duty…? Xx

No that wouldn’t work. He would never agree to selling the house. The house is really run down anyway and we are only a third of the way into our mortgage term. There’s not enough there for either of us to buy anywhere. I don’t earn enough to be a viable prospect to a landlord. He doesn’t earn anything. We’d just be homeless. The kids would be uprooted as we could never afford to rent where we live.

He’d never agree to sell anyway and if I left he’d never agree to release me from the deeds or mortgage. So I’d still be responsible for the debt.

I had been hoping if I ever left to have enough to buy a small place for myself and then I could offer to just sign the whole of the house over to him for an easy break up. But of course that was dependent on him having a job or the mortgage being paid off. Idiotically, he’s never built up a pension for himself, whereas I do have some pension and I don’t want him coming after that if we split. I don’t have much, not enough for holidays and trips, when I retire, but enough to eat and heat and I don’t want him taking that too.

It’s dire really.

All he can compute is that if someone has criticised you (as he sees it), he must immediately defend and counter attack. The idea that this could be a moment for relationship growth and building connection - nope - does not compute!

^ I've realised that the only hope of having these moments is when things are calm, no one is triggered and no one has done anything that could possibly be labelled or interpreted as wrong. Of course the reality is that we should all be open to being criticised in so much as I feel X when you do Y please could we talk about this etc.

But my husband's default to criticism is nasty pile on attack too.

Just wanted to say how very sorry i am to read you're going through this.

How awful to feel so trapped. Have you spoken to women's aid? How about keeping a log of his behaviour because one day you might need to petition the court to force the sale against his wishes.